For those standing behind the preverbal fan...........
Yup, the shit hit the fan and me without my rain coat. So Stay Puff had ordered visitation Monday and Tuesday nights, and had promised (like she always does) to get the kids build a bear, well she didn't and Tuesday night sd7 had a meltdown about everything because stay puff lied to her yet again. Okay, get her calmed down, move onto Wednesday night. SD 10 comes home from school and tells me about something that happened in PE I listen and think "okay, I'll speak to the teacher tomorrow" so today, (Thursday) I pop into skids school to speak to the PE teacher. As soon as I walk into the office the secretary looks at me and says "wow, that was fast" (uh ok? I'm lost) I tell her why I'm there and she tells me SD 10 is in the principals office. I ask "why" and am told by the secretary "go talk to Mrs. ________ first then come back" so I go speak to the PE teacher and find out that SD 10 had an almost meltdown the day before. I get documentation of it and head back to the office.
Getting there the principal pulls me into another office and tells me "I was walking down the hall to another classroom and I heard SD 10 SCREAMING. I stop by to check it out and SD 10 is yelling "you can't make me go anywhere! I hate you" to the substitute teacher, so I pulled her out of class and she is in my office" I tell the principal what has been transpiring overthe last few days and she tells me that she will type it up and get the sub to do the same. Not even 2 days and stay puff (BM) has once again screwed things up trying to make herself "look good". Personally, I wish this woman would just drop off the earth!
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Comments
I must be missing
I must be missing something...How is this BM's fault other than lack of parenting? The kid is the problem and needs counseling and possibly meds. If this were my Step, I would be having DH at the school to handle and not me.
DH is currently slammed at
DH is currently slammed at work first off, secondly, the kid is NOT the problem. BM has lied, manipulated and oh yeah DESPISES the oldest one. She IS is counceling, and these problems only arise when the kids see BM. The oldest one has abandonment issues because of BM is this all BMs fault too? That she treats her kid like crap and expects everything to be just fine? Is it SDs fault that BM makes her feel useless and unloved? Is it SDs fault that BM lies to her and totally ignores her? NO it is not SDs fault. As for my handling it, and not DH, I have been the only constant "mom" in these kids lives for the last 2 years, and on top of that SD REQUESTED that the school call me and not her dad. (and before I get nasty replys, I am not jumping anyone's ass, and I'm not being a bitch, nor am I attacking anyone I am just stating what I have seen and am dealing with)
I get the frustration...I
I get the frustration...I just think that SD's behavior needs to be addressed before she gets expelled from school. Whatever is frustrating and causing her to act out needs to be fixed however that may be. I get that your DH works a lot and you are the one to step up, but honestly it is his kid so he needs to try and make some time to do these things. Otherwise, he will never understand your frustration. My DH works a 12 hour day, but he still deals with some of the stuff because I work too and can't always be the one...Even if she requested you.
You know snoopy I know
You know snoopy I know exactly what you are talking about. BMs can have tremendous effects on their child's behavior. Yes, children should be held responsible for their actions, but they our powerless and don't know how to cope. As an adult when you're angry or stressed out, don't you sometimes take it out on the wrong people? The kids are being forced to see someone who doesn't really care about them, ruins their lives, and abuses them. They take out their anger and frustration on whoever is around. The justice system doesn't care about them and how terrible their "mom" is, all because she did something that cockroaches can do, give birth. It is so hard to ignore that there is a direct causal link between contact with these POS BMs and the kids behavior. Like you, I have countless documents and records showing that SS becomes a completely different person, angry and violent towards girls whenever he even talks to her on the phone. It was only after several times of the pattern did we ever make the conclusion that it had to do with BM. Yes, he should no better, but he can't control the anger, rage, and the overwhelming feeling of having no control over your life. Therapy takes a lot of time to see results and with children who don't really understand their emotions or even know how to identify them, makes the therapy even more difficult. There should be no nasty comments as you are completely right and justified to feel the way you do.
My Skids have similar issues.
My Skids have similar issues. BM is in and out of their lives. We have full custody, and would never tell them that they couldn't talk to her, but we know that it always causes issues. BM says she will call she doesn't. Would say she would stop by when we were all in same town, she wouldn't. She didn't call on their birthdays, and DH and I finally just got new cell service. Well since we don't have a permanenent number or address for BM she doesn't have the new number. She doesn't even know we moved accross the country. All because she won't just be consistent. And we have no way to contact her. The kids are fine when she isn't popping in and out, but a wreck when she is.
I say good job being there
I say good job being there for the kids. I went thru this when I was a child bc of my mom and it is not easy. Be understanding and have compassion. The hardest thing for a child to understand is why their own mother can't take care of them, want them, will lie to them, ect. They r lucky to have u, it will be hard for them and they will blame u, take it out on u. Just know u r doing the right thing and they know the truth. They just can't admit it.
A 10 year old had a melt down
A 10 year old had a melt down because she did not get to build a bear? And...a ten year old completely dis respected a teacher, because she did not get to build a bear? Something does not sound right here?
No the 7 yo hadthe melt down,
No the 7 yo hadthe melt down, the 10 yo had the meltdown because of false promises, BM lying to her, and is angry
I understand exactly what you
I understand exactly what you are dealing with. S has the same issues with his mother. She rarely bothers to spend time with him, and when she does it ends with him rebelling in some way. In the last 3 years, I can pinpoint the 5 or 6 times he has spent significant time with her based on his disciplinary record at school. Unless a parent/step parent has dealt with it, they have NO idea what kind of impact a truly shitty parent can have on a child. All the counseling in the world can't replace the love of your mother. Of course the child needs to learn to make better choices, but it takes time and a lot of work. In ss's case, he tends to lash out at women that remind him of his mother. And I am the one that normally deals with it here as well. I am, for all intents and purposes, the childs mother. BM is just some woman that gave birth to him.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying…but not so sure that blaming the BM is the right way to handle this. My EX basically checked out when the kids were 7 and 12. It took about a year of broken promises to the kids, and him being an asshole and then him just not showing up.
My kids had a melt down or two…BUT their melt downs were usually found out when they came to me with an issue of them being upset about their dad being a jerk. They would have received an ass wooping if I caught them talking to an adult like that. And I would have DARED them to blame it on not having a father around. I raised them and I raised them to NOT act like that.
It is what it is. The sooner they realize that just because they have a bad BM, does not give them an excuse to be a little turd to ANYONE.
I can so relate with this
I can so relate with this post it almost makes me ill. SS is the same exact way. Every single time there is conact with BM he gets kicked out of school, attacks another child or woman, etc...basically become a holy terror and I know it's a reaction to emotions that he isn't dealing with correctly. (He's also in therapy and just now after 6 years, 2-3 times a week has the therapist said what we've always know - it's a reaction to his mothers behavior)
Also, I was raised by a mother who made it abundently clear always that she hated me so I know on the flip side that not all kids act out in this way. In my case I went the opposite direction and felt the constant need for perfection to prove that I was good enough for love or whatever...
Anyway, I don't have much advise because I don't know that we will ever stop it entirely but we have found that consistency in our home at all time helps a lot. We go to extreme lengths to show him that he is in a secure and loving environment in our home and part of that security is PUNISHMENT when he acts out. He of course is a little jerk about being punished and has every excuse in the book, most of which DH buys hook line and sinker BUT everyone seems to agree that even though some poor behavior is to be expected - it's not to be tolerated. I've found the more he's allowed to act out, the worse it gets. I think it's maybe because he starts to feel like if he wasn't punished for something he knew was wrong then maybe we just don't care about him either.
It's great that she has you
It's great that she has you in her life to love her. Keep up the good work!
I agree that the best thing
I agree that the best thing you can do is just help her learn to deal with her emotions. I know that my dh and I both spent a lot of years making excuses for ss's behavior because we thought his mom was a piece of poo. Ironically, she was doing the same because she thought we were the poo. So noone was holding this kid accountable. He's now 13 and takes no responsibility for a darn thing. All of us adults have realized that he was getting away with everything because we all felt so sorry for him and now he's pretty much without a conscience.
Whether you think mom is responsible or not-it makes no difference. She still has to learn to cope with feelings in an appropriate manner. That is what I would focus on-this woman is always going to be her bm so the sooner these kids learn to deal with her the better.
I understand and totally
I understand and totally agree that SD10 needs to be responsible for her actions, and she will be half accountable and this meltdown will be dealt with. But blaming SD for BMs actions is not fair to SD. When BM is the one lying to them, and BM is the one who walked out and has made little to no effort in the last 2 years, this is NOT the skids fault. That lies on BM and BM only. DH and I are slowing working through this as it comes up, SD 10 KNOWS that this kind of behavior will not be tollerated, and like I said it will be adressed when EVERYONE is calm (me, SD 10 and DH)