I need some sm/bm advice...
okay, soooooo last week bm caused alllll kinds of drama starting tuesday saying that ss needs counseling for his anger issues...which was weird because she NEVER admits to any thing that happens at her house or that she is less than the perfect mother.
wednesday she asks dh to figure something out because she has to move to whitetrashville, and basically eludes to the fact that ss will be living up there with her. she texts things like, im not asking im telling you that im moving.
wed night is a huge blow out where she is yelling obscenities at me and i yell back that im a better mother than she is....
friday, bm tells dh that she is not moving and he has her word that she isnt going to try. her and bf are having problems, and she cant talk about it right then but that she wasnt moving....
monday...tells ss on the phone that tuesday is her first day at her new job.....
wednesday..talks to dh saying that she is already approved for child care asst, and will be going friday to enroll him full time again...asks dh if he could please think about changing days to accommodate her new schedule. she also says that she is going to move to a smaller place so that they can stay local, and that regaurdless of what happens with bf, she will not move, and if for some reason she has to, she knows that we are in a nice neighborhood and that ss would go to school in our new neighborhood.......very nice, very sincere.
so here is my issue. Bm has her issues. but as compared to most bm's i dont think she is as evil, she just cant get her life together and when ever she has drama she causes drama in ours because she is jealous of our life. she filed to get full custody 2 weeks after we were married, the mediator told her she needed to go to counseling for her issues of letting go of trying to control dh, and to get over that he has moved on and ss now has a sm.
there was a point when we were all getting along, and she was even inviting us over for parties at her house, we would go swimming together with ss. i let her have a bed that we werent using at the time. i got her flowers on easter when we dropped off ss, got her a Christmas present.
but every time bm thinks she has a chance to screw us, or her life hits a bumpy road, she makes it our problem. As bms how do think dh and i need to handle her? i really want to sit with her and work all this out, but dh and i feel like we cant trust her. i know that there is a chance for bm and i to get along, and i soooooooo want that for ss..my mom and dad and sd always have gotten along so well, and its been awesome growing up. I remember at my college grad the three of them were sitting there and my sd was joking with my dad about all the stories i tell them about my dads crazy girl friends.
For those of you that have known all our issues...i would think you would agree that minly all of our issues stem from bm just being really insecure. where her life is compared to ours...how much more established i am in life than she is.
what do you think as a bm about our bm issues, and how i have handled things as a sm...i am very involved and i have made dh a lot more structured. have i over stepped in your opinion.
one issues i would like advice on as well, ss is bm's only child, and due to health issues will remain that way. last year in july right before dh and i got married, ss was in tball. bm started acting like a total drama queen about everything, and we really believe that it was because it was hitting her that dh were in fact about to get married. she wasa total bitch about everything. didnt want me at tball, allowed ss to act a fool at practice, and then blamed dh and i, said that ss didnt want us there, etc. then on the last day which was our night, she wanted him because she wanted to leave early the next morning to go camping..but it was the last night we would have him before we left for jamaica for 8 days. she threw a fit and picked him up and took him off the field and left with him. dh and i have not wanted to sign him up to anything because of schedule issues and we dont want to have to be in the same place weeek after week with her being drama and upsetting ss. but we realize that it is beneficial to have ss in these activities.
we want to suggest that ss be in an activity, but that only the parent with him that night goes. As a bm what would you say if exh suggested this? we think bm is going to say no, ss is her son and she can go to anything he is in, therefore, ss will continue to not be involved.
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As a BM if my XH suggested
As a BM if my XH suggested each parent take the child to the activity on the day they have him, I would think that it is a great idea.
In my opinion its either her time or your DH's time......event, activity, whatever. She has no reason to show up anywhere on your DH's time for any reason unless invited. Again JMO.
As a BM, I hate the whole
As a BM, I hate the whole 'whose time it is BS' if it's your kid, it's your kid, no matter whose time it's on. If EH suggested that to me, I'd tell him to drop dead and that I would go watch my kid doing whatever, whenever, wherever. BUT, I'm not a nutjob either and would never cause a public spectacle to embarass myself or my kid, soooo......... that's a hard call SMNikki. I definitely feel for you, there's no easy answer here.
when i become i bm, im
when i become i bm, im guessing because i am so hands on, i would feel the same in a way. but like you im not a nut job, and i would not have had the cops called on me for taking my child when it wasnt my night.
however...from another view, just for arguments sake, so to speak....when you have a child with some one, you are not ever guaranteed that things will 100% work out with you and that person, you are chancing having a child with some one that the potential is that you may end up having to raise this child while no longer with that person. Therefore, when any one has a child, the are accepting that task of potentially having to co-parent with a non-spouse. Which, i think we all would agree, that the most important thing is that each parent respect the other and their life, so long as it is in the best interest of the child.
therefore, yes, the mother is the mother at all times. but by having a child dont you risk that you may potentially have shared parenting, therefore not being around your child 100%? That just because you had a child, the truth is that the marriage didnt work, therefore, your parenting boundaries are different, and you knew that when you brought a life in to this world?
to me it sounds like what you said means that as a mother, you feel like you have the right to do what ever when ever you feel like it, because you are the mother...but isnt this exact feeling what is mainly the root of all sm and bm issues? of course, you are mature and intelligent enough to not act on it....but simply having those thoughts to me means that, like you, most bm's feel that they have this right.......when in reality, they are the one who had a child..went through a separation, all knowing that the potential did exist that their child would be cared for by the other parent at times with out their input....yet still feel and act as though the have a say in EVERY thing that child does? Isnt this the whole problem between bm and sm?
also, here is another
also, here is another thought...if your ex, was like our bm...never knew when he would be drama, or brought the new sm who was a bitch or something, and made the whole thing un enjoyable.
picked up skid and stormed out of the event when he didnt get his way, on your custodial night.......wouldnt you suggest the same? and what would you say if he said to you, pack sand im "the father" ill be at everything if i want?
Honestly, I would not
Honestly, I would not appreciate my X showing up to things when I have my kids. We dont hate each other....but no I dont want to see him several times a week lol. Now a dance recital, playoff game....yeah okay of course.
I dont hate the idea of everyone gathering for every activity.....its just not for me.
thats what dh and i have
thats what dh and i have talked about.
its its a one time thing...recital, play off game, or something like that then by all means we can play nice for ss's sake.
i do not think that she is as crazy as a lot of the bm's some of you have to deal with, but she is a ticking time bomb and you never know when she is going to cause drama. it puts every one on edge, and makes it impossible to enjoy watching ss.
she just has insecurity oozing off of her, and it is sensed by every one including other parents. we are embarrassed to attend things with her there, and most importantly, ss knows there are issues because she is always saying stuff about me and when we are all in one place at one time, ss acts out because he is so uncomfortable and acts like he thinks he has to have bm coddle him to make her feel loved and that he is in no way un loyal to her.
I should add that I just
I should add that I just realized , me & DH dont go to our kids events together all the time. I didnt with the Xdh either, so thats why its probably such a non issue for me.
See, I'm the kind of BM who
See, I'm the kind of BM who has rarely ever missed anything perfectson has ever done. He's an only child too. Before EH moved farther from us, he attended most everything too and we made it work for all our sake. Perfectson stayed better adjusted that way.
Before BM moved SDs away from us, we all attended their events too. I would even sit with BM to watch SDs. The kids were MUCH happier when life was like that.
but what about when bm is a
but what about when bm is a nut, and thinks she still has this right as "the mother" to be at everything, yet refuses to act maturely enought to make it enjoyable for every one.
like you, bm thinks its her right to be at all ss's events because shes the mother, but refuses to allow a civil relationship between us all.
The fact that she uses these
The fact that she uses these events to cause drama tells me her motives are not for the good of the child.
She sounds too busy ensuring her god given right as a Mother is respected, that she is not looking out for her childs best interest.
The child should be able to participate in his activity without any adult issues taking the stage. A good Mother would want this even if it meant she missed out on half the games. Its not all about her.
A good mother would never
A good mother would never miss a game. A GOOD mother would do whatever was necessary to have everyone that loved the child there, cheering on that child. That's what a GOOD mother does.
Hey WSM!! My friend.
Hey WSM!!
My friend. I do agree and I don't. I don't think that being there all the time makes someone good or not good. I think that you can support a child with words and emotions and actions just as much as you can by showing up somewhere. And yes, that is an action... but I am sure that you know some mothers at your son's games that were there strictly to be there for themselves... not for their kids. That's where I think the big difference lies.... and I think kids can sometimes tell the difference.
Recently, SD over here had something going on, and she did not want anyone to come. She really asked us NOT to. She didn't want her mom, she didn't want me.... she didn't think a parent needed to be there. I stayed home. BM never even heard about it because SD didn't tell her. It made me feel bad to not share it... but on the other hand, I showed support to her by not going.
As it turned out - only 1 other parent showed up and she told me she laughed when she saw them.. I guess I could have gone!!
Does that make sense??
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Dont work anything out.
Dont work anything out. Stop tlaking to her and trying to be friends its never going to happen. You will always be the other women to her. Your hubby needs to set rules for her to follow. Dont fall into the trap of her being nice cause i promise it because she wants something.
My skids BM is similar. When
My skids BM is similar. When things are going great in her life, every answer she gives is "sure! no problem!" But when her and her BF fight or some other crap its a whole different story.
I choose to maintain a safe distance. I feel sorry for FH who has to be the one to hear her mouth on her "bad days". But TBH she isn't MY ex so why should I be the one that has to hear her rants? I stay out of it.
Believe it or not I try to understand her side sometimes. Try to figure out how I would feel about that situation if I were in her shoes. Sometimes I can, somtimes I can't. It depends.
Sometimes we just have to put on our big girl panties and deal. Sometimes we have to smile even though we want to curse someone out. Sometimes we have to decide if something is a hill to die on or not.
I reallllllly don't like my EX's GF. She is mouthy, and rude, and disrespectful and has said ALOT of bad things about me. BUT, I always kill her with kindness because I come out looking the bigger person. Plus my BS doesn't need to see me acting crazy, does he?
I apply the same principal to BM. I kill her with kindness. When she calls the house and I answer, I am always polite. I know my boundaries as an SM. And as much as I want to rip her head off when she has a moment and flips on FH, I don't. I let HIM handle her.
I've been trying to put some
I've been trying to put some thought into these answers for you and there just aren't any good answers that I can come up with.
I'll say this, that Yes, I DO feel like I'm the mother and therefore "I" have the right to do whatever, whenever. BUT let me say this too: you mention above about having a child with the possibility of a marriage breaking up and no longer having your child 100% of the time. When I had perfectson, I never in my wildest dreams thought it was remotely possible that I would wind up divorced from his dad and no longer have perfectson in my care 100% of the time. I truly never dreamed it. So no, I don't think anyone has a child thinking that that's a possibility, ever. I think whether we want to face it or not, most everyone believes that each relationship we're in is "the one" that will last to infinity and beyond. lol Now, the truth is, relationships don't work out and kids get stuck in a nasty stinking mess.
I think you're right, that pretty much this is what makes up the majority of the push/pull between SM/BMs. It's a power struggle between the two really.
Here's where I come from: I married EH, lived like a giddy newlywed with him for 3 years, had perfectson, and all was good in the world for 5 more years. Then during a tough time, along came Satan and she infiltrated my world. Had it not been for her, EH and I would have, without a doubt, stayed together. So Satan waltzes in and becomes perfectson's SM and 'she' wants to coach his soccer team, and 'she' wants to take him with her kids to do this and that. Well, who the F is SHE? She is nobody. She is NOT his dad. She is simply the ho-bag that married his dad. So really, why do I care what 'she' wants, at all? I don't. Perfectson is MY child, not hers. She means zilcho in my world. I make her life a living hell, and I assure you I enjoyed every minute of it. She can't take it anymore and I win, she divorces EH.
Ugly? Brutal? Sure it is. But that's what happened. So I'm pretty hard core in my BM beliefs. LOL
That being said. I would never grab perfectson and leave and make any kind of scene. It's not necessary, ever. I'm a firm believer that kids wants both their parents with them with they do things. Perfectson has often said 'I wish my dad were here' when we've been at one of his activities. It didn't matter that DH was with us, he wanted his BM and BF with him. I have always been able to put his feelings ahead of my own though and THAT's the difference that's lacking in some of these BMs.
If these BMs truly loved their child, they would do what is necessary, particularly in public, to try to keep their children mentally healthy and happy.
**off my soapbox now**
i really do understand what
i really do understand what you are saying...i put my rosey colored glasses on and try to think how i will feel when i have kids.
to me it seem so hysterical though when i hear about your sons sm coaching and all that stuff...i leave all that to bm and dh, if there is something they dont want to do and ss asks me than by all means...i will regardless what bm thinks because she had first chance. BUT, our bm thinks im over stepping my boundaries, lol if only she knew how much of a trouble causing bitch i could be. Im better at everything bm could ever possibly try to do, and i dont doubt that when ss goes to school the faculty or sports activity people would much rather have my help than bm's. im educated and just way more talented at everything.
However, if bm ever tried to do to me and dh what you did to exh wife.....poor girl i would smash her like a bug (legally obviously) hell no would she pull the mother card though and ruin my marriage.
LOL.... rest assured I
LOL.... rest assured I didn't do any long lasting damage to Satan.... she moved on quickly and broke up 2 more marriages in our town! She was TRASH!! I still cannot bring myself to speak her name! LOL! I hate her 10 million times more than I'll ever hate my SD's BM!
There is no way on God's
There is no way on God's green earth that someone would bar me from attending any "social" or "academic" function my children were involved in. There would be hell to pay if they tried.
Yes, as a bioparent of divorce I have to realize that my xh has just as much right to attend those functions too and that he is alloted specific times that he will have my children and that I cannot shedule things during his time, but if both parents live in the same time and the kid is involved in activities, the parent that has the child should decide whether or not the child will attend that day, and if so, take the child to that activity. If the other parent decides they too would like to attend this function, I don't believe anyone should try to prevent that.
SMNikki - Controversial???
SMNikki - Controversial??? - I am not a BM, so I don't know if I am qualified to answer here, but I'm going to anyways!!
Ha!
My thoughts on what you have written above are pretty much agreeing with almost everyone, I guess!
I think that your idea of signing SS up for stuff and then saying if he's with us, we'll take him, if he's with you, you can take him. In theory, that would work with some BM's. You will have others, like WickedSM, who want to go just because he's her son and can be trusted to be fine, and then you have others (like my BM) who want to go just to give the appearance of "super mom", and then you will have others (like your BM) that will show up to be super mom and to assert her authority and make sure that NO ONE forgets SHE is the mother.
Because of your history with her, I think your suggestion is good and your delivery of the idea will be important. Therefore, you may not want to position it as she shouldn't come on your nights... but more like a team effort. "Hey - We want to sign SS up for xyz... We know that it will fall on nights that you have him... Would you mind taking him on those nights? We think it would be good for him and you know, you wouldn't have to take him every week, we could SHARE that responsibility and we'll take him when we have him, and you can take him on your nights?? What do you think?" Remember - one of our advantages to being steps - and with divorced parents - and there are few !! - But one of them is the fact that sometimes we do get to be able to miss a lesson. Of course, for the big things - recitals, performances, competitions, etc. You all go.... but for little things, being able to split them up, would probably be nice for her too.
What do you think she would say to that? It's almost like it's her choice to not have to go.
I also do agree that BM has as much right to go to every single thing as much as DH does. So it's all in the delivery - if you ask me!
I think you have to treat your BM the way I treat ours over here. I will always give her the modicum of respect that I would ANYONE - any stranger, any person. However, I will not defer to her or take too much of a backseat. (I know I know - BM's on here - don't slay me!!) DH and I DO keep BM involved often because we happen to know more about SD's life than she does, unfortunately. DH and I ask permission where needed - when it involves her spending $$ etc. BUT and this is the big BUT - we do NOT TRUST HER. We don't and we have found real reasons why not to. She is not to be trusted. She is the co-worker that will stab you in the back for a promotion. She is the "friend" who will be happy to see us struggle because of jealousy. Even at the best of our relationship, she is not someone that we can take at face value, and will never will.
Be civil. Be nice. Be courteous and respectful of her position in SS's life. That is really all (In my opinion) that you owe her. But don't ever ever let your guard down, or let her in too much. She has not earned that right.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
You're GOOD! This is why I
You're GOOD! This is why I adore you Stick my friend!!! What you're saying is true too about BM hasn't earned any rights with SMNikki.
This past summer when perfectson played summer tournaments, his best games were the ones that I was at, and sitting WITH, his dad and SM. I really liked his SM... it is a shame they're getting divorced! LOL