Like most people, we are currently shelter in place.  We’ve had my Daughter (15) and SD2 (13) for the entire time.  Over the weekend we had our wedding anniversary and we celebrated Easter.  Because of how badly SD1 has always behaved surrounding our wedding (she threw a huge fit minutes before called BM to pick her up, we were an hour away so thankfully that didn’t happen but, she made sure to wreck every picture she was in) we never celebrated our anniversary with our children.  Because SD1 is not really a part of our lives (except through SD2) this anniversary was so much different.  It made me understand how good things can really be.  It was beautiful to celebrate with our girls.  They were so sweet to us made cookies and seemed so genuinely happy to be a part of our celebration.  It never occurred to me that we should have been celebrating with them all along because it is their anniversary too.  It is the anniversary of us becoming a family and they both made it clear how grateful they were we became a family.  Honestly this was the best anniversary we’ve ever had.  I couldn’t be happier.  This is how life can be when you remove a toxic person from your life.  It can be so beautiful.  It can leave space for everyone to feel good and for everyone to celebrate.  I loved up our girls at the end of the night and told them how grateful I am for both of those babies…and nothing I’ve ever said could be truer.

But you take the good with the bad because this is the opposite of how it should be.

I had a couple of frank conversations with DH about my need for boundaries with SD1 and asked that she not be invited in our home for any reason (she picks up SD2 when BM is too lazy and just comes in without  being invited), I asked for no contact meaning I don’t want her invited to holidays, for family brunch, and I don’t want either of us stepping in to save her from any of her bad decisions.  I asked that my daughter not have to engage with her in person in any way.  I also asked that if either DH or I had contact with SD1 that we would tell each other, no secrets.  DH was resistant, even though our therapist suggested the same.  He says things like I’m not ready to give up on her yet.  It feels like he’s passive aggressively admonishing me for wanting these boundaries.  He said on big holidays he wouldn’t be comfortable not seeing her so he would likely spend half of these days with her and away from our family (I was afraid to ask where he would be doing this…with BM? Ugh).  I get it, I can’t imagine what it feels like to need to have boundaries with your own daughter, but we all do, and I can’t get on board with him leaving us on important dates for her.  It feels like the wrong message and it feels like a threat to our marriage. We had another wonderful celebration of Easter with SD2 and my daughter.  It was fun and sweet, and our girls were so grateful for it.  So was I!  Just as good as it could be in the current situation.  Until over DH’s shoulder I see he is texting SD1.  Ugh, I assume it was just a happy Easter message, but it felt like a slap in the face.  He didn’t tell me he contacted her, and I think part of what is needed with her is her to feel the loss of us, well him.  I keep thinking it could help her make changes if she actually has the consequence of losing a real relationship with her father.  I know it’s a leap, but it is making me believe he does not intend to follow any of my requested boundaries and I just can’t with SD1 anymore.  It is highlighted even more by how good and sweet our lives are without her chaos and drama. How can I make him see my point of view, talking doesn’t seem to be working.