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SD & homework & BM craziness

Simpleton21's picture

Wednesday was our night to have SD.  It was the first night DH has had visitation in months that SD didn't have some practice/game or therapy appointment to attend so SD was actually doing her homework.  If you read my last post BM has decided that at 12 SD is now learning disabled and has ADD b/c she hasn't been doing homework and her grades are reflecting that. BM sent this gag worthy e-mail to the teachers about how she is trying to advocate for SD to do her homework and be responsible b/c she is in the 7th grade but she is taking her for testing b/c she isn't doing her homework!  Anyways, watching SD attempt to do her homework was extremely annoying.  It was a word search type assignment where you have to find answers that go down and then across (can't think of what they are called at the moment).  At first DH was like, "I think she might actually have a disability.  She knew the answer but was upset that it wouldn't fit but it was because it was supposed to go down and not across"...really DH?!?! Then she couldn't find an answer in the 2 page writing where all the answers were.  DH finds it and tells her the answer.  SD says, "Okay, just write it in there then!"....WTF!!?  I usually try to disengage but I could not at this point! I said, "SD, it is YOUR homework, he told you the answer you can at least write it in yourself!"  Then she couldn't figure out how to spell it and wanted him to show her where it was in the paragraph.  Seriously!?!? Maybe I am wrong but that is not a damn learning disability.  That is a lazy and entitlement problem!!!!  Then she complained about how she doesn't get the math b/c she has a long term sub in the class that doesn't teach them.  These are excuses that I would never accept from my ODS and neither would DH but when it comes to his little princess he is on board with BM blaming it on a disability?!?! How about no consequences for not doing homework?  How about homework/schoolwork before all the stupid ECAs BM puts her in?!?!? Gah!!!!  

Now on to the BM craziness.  It has been about 5 months of DH not texting/responding to BM unless it is schedule related and sticking strictly to the CO.  Last night BM starts texting DH pics of SD in different outfits and then texts that she was going to a dance and which outfit she decided on.  Okay, no big deal, nice of her to share I guess.  DH was like, "how am I supposed to respond to this?" I just said well if you say anything just say SD looks cute or whatever.  So he did that.  Then BM proceeds to go on about people on fb thinking her hair looks red (SD dyed it purple and it looks terrible) and how much she now looks like BM.  Um, okay!  BM dyes her hair red and looks like a clown.  Looking like her really isn't a compliment but whatever.  I really can't figure out BM's crazy though.  Is she bipolar?  Acting like they are good old buddies that just text and have a good co-parenting relationship?!  (def not the case)...Does she think DH will be jealous that HER FB friends think SD looks like her b/c everyone always says SD looks like DH?!?! Is she just bringing up FB stuff to make him feel like he is missing out on being her FB friend?!?! We both have her and her bf blocked.  I honestly don't care what BM's thought process really is.  I just know she is bat shit crazy.  DH of course didn't respond anymore after saying SD looked cute.  He was just as confused as I was.  

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

Because homework isn't fun, FUN, FUN then it needs to be abandoned as toooooo hhhaaaaaaarrrd and it "proves" prince/princess has a learrrrrrnnnnning disabiiiillllity.

Bad

Simpleton21's picture

I'm also really confused b/c SD is also in some program called Power of the Pen.  That  BM claims is for gifted students.  So is she gifted or disabled?!?! Which is it?!?!?

But yeah it isn't FUN for princess to be held accountable for anything!

tog redux's picture

My SS was like this with homework. To be honest, I do think he has ADHD, but he also had a mother like your BM, and so he got away with not doing it at her house.  If she wanted to impress the school, she would help him or do it herself, but eventually she stopped giving a care, and his grades tanked.  He once told BM that if she pushed him to do homework he would "jump off a bridge" because then he'd have two parents "like Dad".  After that, she never pushed him.

He did horribly in high school and did one year of community college and probably did terribly there too, who knows, he won't say. He developed zero work ethic. He'd do well in classes he liked and barely pass those he didn't.

Simpleton21's picture

My son does have ADHD.  I don't let him use it as an excuse to not do his work.  When he doesn't do his work he gets consequences I don't say, "oh he is disabled and needs tested".....I do not think that SD ADHD at all.  I think she has spoiled brat syndrome.

thinkthrice's picture

the litmus test for ADHD was inability to focus on stuff the kid LIKES.

Everyone does well on stuff they like...that's normal.

Same thing with Chef's ferals...."not working to ability" aka weakness of character and laziness.

tog redux's picture

No. People with ADHD can focus on what they like, and they can sometimes have "hyperfocus", which means they totally get consumed in a project, etc.

People without ADHD might be bored by subjects they don't enjoy but they can still focus and do the necessary work. People with ADHD have a very hard time with that.  So when parents say, "he can't have ADHD, he focuses on video games all day," that's actually proof they probably DO have ADHD.

thinkthrice's picture

then everyone has ADHD at which point it loses all meaning. 

tog redux's picture

 People without ADHD don't fail every course they have no interest in. They aren't super disorganized and unable to finish projects and keep track of things. They don't lose things and forget homework and leave their books in their locker. 

ADHD is real. Being bored with social studies is not proof you have ADHD if you get a B in it anyway.

Cooooookies's picture

I will send you my BS18 un-medicated for a month.  You'll send him back in 3 days...tops.  ADHD is a real thing.  Plus he has Oppositional Defiance Disorder ((ODD).  It is way wayyyyyyyyy more than just bad, unparented kids, I promise.

thinkthrice's picture

And am approaching 60.   We had spanking back then which started as soon as children were able to talk and walk and also instilling the fear of disapproval from parents.   It just seems that when the gov't outlawed parents disciplining their own children and instead placed gov't agencies to go after "abuse" (admittedly there is real abuse) that all this other stuff started to crop up aka Kids calling the cops on their parents for taking away their cell phones, etc.   The children were given the power with no responsibiliity and the parents had the reverse.

Autism was so rare when I was a kid, they made a movie about it "Rain Man" which Dustin Hoffman was more like an "idiot savant."

 

Cooooookies's picture

I do understand, plus there are probably a lot of people (like crazy BM's) that try and get their child diagnosed with something they don't have.  It's frustrating.  My son never ever responded to the old fashioned parenting, like you and I were brought up in.  He doesn't fear adult authority...he'd rather fight it than submit to it.  Every. single. time.

The only one he'll listen to in the end his dad.  Even then he'll drive him mad before he halfway listens.  Then he'll just try and tell me that dad and his gf are "mean" to him.  No, dude, they expect you to follow rules and not be a butt.  Almost 19 and he still tries to spin it like a 7 year old would.

I wish it didn't exist.  I'd take it from him if I could because, at heart, he's a really good person.  And this stuff really really makes him struggle.

tog redux's picture

I'm in my mid-50s too, but ADHD does exist, it's very real and it's challenging to live with. It's not an excuse for failing, but it is an explanation for why some kids have struggles. But they need structure from their parents, and when they have a BM like we deal with here on this board, they don't get it.

Personally I think the whole Autism epidemic is way overblown and it's just the diagnosis of the moment - as Bipolar was 10 years ago.  Some of it is that we better understand it, but still - it's overdiagnosed, IMO.

thinkthrice's picture

is a "western society" disease.   It is practically unheard of on other continents which leads me to believe it is VASTLY and HUGELY overdiagnosed along with Autism, Aspergers and the lot.  Seems like a honeypot for big pharma and the psychology profession at large.

NotThatTypical's picture

What do you expect?

You’re blaming the kid yet no one has forced her to do homework before. Yeah she should be better but that’s like expecting her to know how to ride a bike the day you get her one. Kids have to learn study skills and clearly she hasn’t been taught them.

Simpleton21's picture

Exactly what Thinkrice said.  I'm not blaming SD.  I am blaming DH and BM for not holding her accountable and not giving her consequences.  BM overloads her with sports and therapy and then wonders why she isn't doing homework and failing....so now BM is trying to take her to yet another therapist that charges astronomical prices to "test" her for learning disabilities.  It isn't a learning disability.  It is a parenting disability.  This isn't my child.  If it were my child she would be having consequences for not doing her homework.  

Thisisnotus's picture

Isn’t it maddening? It’s the same here for SD16....BM never keeps the kids home on school nights and jumps on them for not doing homework.

SD16 is smart but no accountability. She went to her freshman year in a special exclusive school for smart kids.....then she failed out and they put her back in high school in the very basic classes and she is still getting C and D. She never does her work....BM and even DH just nag her but there are no consequences.

 

Simpleton21's picture

Yes, it is maddening and then trying to blame it on a disability when you know that isn't the case.  Make SD miss a school dance or take away her phone...put her in 1 less sport and hold her accountable.  If she still struggles then I could see testing her for a disability.  

SteppedOut's picture

I think that ADHD, autism, aspergers, etc. are real issues that should be attended to by medication, therapy or both. That being said, I think all of the above are over diagnosed and or exaggerated far too often due to lazy parent/child combos. 

Simpleton21's picture

I agree SteppedOut.  They are real issues but then you have lazy parents that would rather label their child disabled than upset their child and make them do the work!   I get that some kids aren't good at every subject.  That is when you help your child with the work or get them a tutor.  Not pay thousands of dollars to misdiagnos them.  Also, my son went to a therapist that my insurance covered and they were able to diagnose him without me spending thousands of dollars on some specialist.  

Jcksjj's picture

100%. I have a son with ADHD and its definitely real. We went the therapy route for a long time first because I didnt like the idea of drugs, but at the end of the day he needed it. He mainly has inattentive symptoms and was never labeled as being "naughty" or anything so I have zero incentive in that area to get him diagnosed. No one was ever on my back about lack of parenting. But he was struggling and getting frustrated with himself and not doing as well as he could be. Plus sometimes the lack of attention led to safety issues.

I also totally believe there are parents that would want a diagnosis just to take the heat off of themselves and because of laziness. I dont think I've seen anyone else mention it yet, but theres also a big market for ADHD drugs and I'm sure that's also the incentive at times for wanting a diagnosis. But its definitely still real and when it is you cant fix it with parenting. You can make it better or worse with parenting techniques, but you can't make it go away altogether.

 

tog redux's picture

The thing is - if someone doesn't have ADHD, medication won't do anything for them. And if they do have ADHD, it can turn their whole life around.  So a reputable doctor won't continue a kid on stimulants if they aren't working.

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah I was wondering about that actually. They dont really do anything for behavioral issues anyway as far as I'm aware? I think people see them as miracle drugs that make kids shut up and behave and that doesnt seem to be the case. My son still has plenty of energy and they dont make him behave better exactly, they make him "normal." Like he can play a game with other kids and stay involved to the end or maintain a conversation and doesnt constantly forget where he set something 5 seconds ago. And he stops and looks before crossing the street instead of when hes already halfway out, if at all. And yes it does help with schoolwork too but its not just that. And he isnt constantly humming and having to move around in his chair, but he still needs to have recess and stuff to get energy out.

tog redux's picture

Correct. It's not like they are sedating kids, they are giving them stimulants. Stimulants calm kids with ADHD. In a kid without ADHD, it would hype them up.  So the idea that people are "drugging kids" to make them behave is silly. They are giving kids with ADHD speed, basically.

Cooooookies's picture

Tog is right.  If you gave a "normal" kid a huge, strong cup of coffee...you'd have to peel them off the ceiling.  Give my son a cup of coffee and he'll be very chill for a few hours.  That only addresses the ADHD part, though.  ODD isn't as magically treatable like that.  He would still tell you, calmly, that the red book is actually burnt orange and you have the story all wrong.  Even if he never read it and you did extensive research on it.  It's really fun. *eyetwitch*

 

tog redux's picture

ODD kids are very hard to live with and for therapists to treat. They are vindictive and argumentative and do not give a shit. Unless they have depression underlying it, they are very hard to work with. I always feel bad for their parents (unless they have created and fed it with their parenting).

ITB2012's picture

Ask for "help" which meant "spoon feed me the answer." When it happened to be me helping (like if DH wasn't around), the closest I would get is "it's on X page." I'd watch him and all he'd do is whiz his eyes around quickly, not even focusing, and then say he couldn't find it. I'd just tell him he hadn't read it thoroughly enough and he'd better try again. He soon stopped asking me for help.

Simpleton21's picture

Exactly what SD meant when she wanted DH's help.  Hell she even expected him to write the answer in the column for her after he gave it to her.  It was really sickening to watch.  She doesn't have a disability.  She has enabling parents and entitlement issues.

Jcksjj's picture

I think BM needs to stop putting it in her head that theres constantly something wrong with her and shes basically not capable of anything. Also I think BM constantly wants to dramatize everything so she has a reason to keep calling attention to herself as SDs mother. If there isn't some "issue" theres less reason for her to be emailing her teachers and talking to her ex.

Simpleton21's picture

Yes, all of this also!  BM is desperate to stay relevant and get attention!!! This past weekend when we had SD BM was still constantly texting and not getting any replies.  "SD needs to brush her teeth and floss 3 times a day b/c her gums are swollen and if she doesn't do this they will take off her braces and all that money will be wasted"....um we have her 4 days a month where that would be our problem!  I guess the problem is more at your house but as always you are looking for a reason to harass us on our weekend and make it look like we caused this....she got no reply.  Then "SD has to be at her softball game at 12:30 to warm up, she will be playing today so she has to be there".....again no reply.  "I'll meet anytime to get SD"....again no reply and standard 6pm at the police station b/c if you give her an inch she will use it against you the very next day "you gave up your time with SD you are a terrible dad....blah blah blah".  DH not responding to her is driving her crazy but it is the only way to deal with her.

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

My oldest has been on medication for about 5 years, and I really REALLY held it out for two years prior to starting it, bc I didn’t want him to have to be on it. But therapy and the other tools I was trying to use including diet changes...they just weren’t working. And it was seriously affecting him at both home and school. 

Now, he’s not the best at math or science, but he damn sure tries his hardest, and usually can at least pull a B or C on his hardest subjects. I’ve NEVER used his disability to him not to at least get by with a C. 

Skankulas kids by her exH all have “something “ wrong: anxiety, depression, ADD/ADHD, ODD, PTSD...if it’s in the DSM, they got it. ALL OF HER KIDS.

No. You're just a sh!tty, inattentive, self absorbed  parent who can’t bother to pay attention to your children more than the guy you want to be under that week...

Simpleton21's picture

Exactly!  Most parents that actually care will do their best to help their kid with their diagnosis and still have expectations.  Not use the diagnosis as an excuse for them to fail.  

Oh and SD has had anxiety and therapy since about age 5 according to BM.  I 100% think it is BM induced anxiety.  All of her issues stem from BM's parenting style which is just what you described self absorbed parenting.  

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

love health food stores.  Many, many teachers and doctors told her that SD now 20 had ADHD.  I felt so bad for her in the 8th grade when she made like a 1 on the FCAT and she cried and cried in her pillow at night.  She was an all D and F student and North Korea refused to medicate her.  She gave her some stuff from the health food store called Sea Buddies which she called her Focus Pills.  Well it finally got so bad that in the 11th grade, BM finally permitted her to take the meds and she was prescibed vyvanse.  She literally went from F's to A's immediately and today at 20 is doing pretty good in Community College.  There are some side effects.  She is super skinny as the medicene is an appetite suppressant.  So that convinced me ADHD is very much real.  

Simpleton21's picture

ADHD is definitely real.  It just isn't an excuse for your lack of proper parenting.  I think women like BM make it hard for other's to believe b/c they want to shop for a dr/therapist to give this diagnosis to blame the child's bad grades/behavior on rather than actually parenting! 

That is sad about your SD but at least she did finally get the help she needed.