All About Intimacy
Okay guys, this one has nothing to do with the step children but has everything to do with my relationship with my DH. I have to survey you guys. My DH is in his early forties, I am in my mid-to-late forties. We've been together for a little over 3 years now. Married for not quite 2 years. When we first met, of course, there was lust and all that good stuff. We had a grear sex life. But within the last year, or a little more, out sex life has become very dismal. And, I know that he is watching porn t least one or two times a week. When I've confronted him on this issue before he stated that an accident he had in his early twenties, before I knew him, makes it hard for him to perform. I myself have been having issues related to menopause, but I'm doing everything I can to find remedies to try and fix this. He doesn't seem to want to engage at all. On those occasions we do have sex, it's very vanilla and his eyes are closed the whole time. He does not kiss me, he barely touches me. Is it me just being paranoid or are other people experiencing something similar? I'm wondering if my expectations are just too high.
- SilentlyCoping's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Hm...I’ve been with my SO
Hm...I’ve been with my SO about the same amount of time. We spiced things up more in the first year or so, but now it’s pretty routine and “vanilla”. We have completely opposite work schedules (he’s on 3rd shift, I work days, and he works a lot of wknds as well), so it doesn’t happen very often, but he definitely wants it, and when it does happen there is plenty of kissing and touching. I would feel like something was up if he didn’t. I feel like he wants me, even though he watches plenty of porn (I honestly don’t even care if he does, and we watch it together sometimes).
Have you asked him what’s up? Obviously everyone is different, but his behavior does seem off and would worry me too.
Confronted Before
I confronted him about a year ago when I first discovered he was watching it. He was embarassed and said it was sonething he has always done. I told him it makes me feel like I am not meeting his needs. He stopped for maybe 2 months. I know his first wife and his serious gf before me hated sex, or so he said. I was very up front that I did not want a sexless marriage. Been there, done that. I do not know how to bring this up again without offending him or alienating him more. Ugh.
You're already being
You're already being alienated, or he is alienating himself. At this point, you don't have much to lose but a lot to gain.
I'm pro-taking the blunt approach. "DH, I didn't get married to be in a sexless marriage. I need good quality sex more than what we currently have. I want to try/do X, Y, and Z. Let's make it happen."
If he jumps on that, then go from there. Have a follow-up conversation after to find out why you needed to approach it that way.
If he doesn't jump on it, or the quality is poor, follow-up with asking what is going on. Ask how you two can move toward a better sex life. If he hems and hahs about it, then you know he isn't interested in changing. And I fully support ending marriages when the sex isn't adequate, otherwise all you have is (at best) a friend without benefits, which is just a friend. One of the things that makes a spouse different from a friend is sex, and when you take that away willingly, it really hurts that part that makes that kind of relationship special.
How are things in your
How are things in your marriage outside the bedroom? I know when I’m having issues w my DH, I pull away from him intimately until things are resolved. I know women are generally more emotional & men physical, but it’s possible he could be struggling with something, either within your marriage or in his own world, that’s having an impact in bed.
Maybe take the focus off the bedroom & see if there’s anything else going on. When my DH asks about our ‘night’ life when it’s not great, (or even asks for it at all lol) I can feel pressured, which makes me shut down even more. I think approaching it from a different angle could be helpful for you. Hopefully anyways!
Outside the Bedroim
Outsude the bedroom things are fine for the most part. I do struggle with iissues where his kids are concerned. Tensiins are high when they are here. But tgey are omly here every other weekend. He does things for me around the house. He says doing things is how he shows his love. I get that. He does have some back pain issues when she struggles with daily. He and I both could stand to lose weight, and he's told me before that he feels unattractive because he's overweight. But, I've told him and tell him time and time again, that I think he's the sexiest man alive. All I have to do is hear his voice and I get butterflies. I'm a very affectionate person so I try and hug him, kiss him, try to cuddle. But he's the polar opposite. I know down deep that he loves me, but if someone else above said, I don't just want a best friend. I want a friend and I lover.
A year ago this last September I broke my ankle and it was a very bad injury. I was off my feet for almost 3 months. And then it took you a little bit longer to go through Physical Therapy. During that time, I will admit I was a bit of a bear and we didn't have sex at all. When I finally started feeling more like myself, and wanted to start engaging, he seemed to look at me differently. I don't know if that's because he was my caretaker, helping me take sponge baths and helping me to the bathroom. I just get the feeling that he looks at me differently now. I don't think he looks at me as someone that he desires. I think he looks at me as a best friend, someone that can help him out with his kids when they are here, and someone just to be there when he gets home. He's the type of person that doesn't like to be alone.
It’s possible that he sees
It’s possible that he sees you differently right now, but that doesn’t mean you need to settle for a sexless or subpar sex marriage! Are there things you can do to spice things up? Maybe try losing a few pounds, dressing sexy, wearing things you know he likes. And definitely keep the communicable open, for me that’s always the biggest thing.
It’s hard knowing what to suggest when we don’t really know why he’s behaving this way to begin with. If it’s a self-confidence thing with him maybe you could work to get fit together? I hope you find something that works for you, it’s not nice on either side of the equation, speaking as the person who’s had to kind of fake it till she’s made it with her hubby when I’m not feeling especially attracted to him lol. Keep trying different things, it IS possible for him to shift this funk & get back to the great sex you remember.
DH and I met when he was 30,
DH and I met when he was 30, I was 25. Three times a week was fairly common. Then in a few years it was once a week and I caught him online almost daily. Now it's been 8 years, he's 38 I'm 33. I happened to glance at his phone when he was deleting his search history and on Sunday he was apparently googling "Mandy Moore Nude". I'm lucky if we are physically intimate once every 1.5 months. This is partially due to me having an undiagnosed medical condition. Also having SS 7 out of the last 14 days doesn't do us any favors either. I've found most men are very open to discussion on this subject, might be worth talking to him about your feelings. He might not know he's closing his eyes during, has he always done that?
Closing Eyes
When we first met, we we're like a young couple. We would have sex two to three times a week, and the sessions would last for hours. He would greet me coming out of the shower when I got home from work and we took dvantage and had quickies any chance we could get. All that faded after probably the first 8 months or so. And it was down to maybe once a week for a while. Now we're lucky if we have sex once a month. And, I will also add add while I pleasure him or lie, he has not touched me in my woman area or orally pleasure me in iiver 2 years. I don't remember him closing his eyes when we first met. Maybe it's just something because I'm ultra sensitive that I've noticed in the last year that he does..
He's definitely changed and
He's definitely changed and it's not normal. My exH never wanted to have sex with me after awhile. It was so bad that I'd be lucky to get it once every 12-15 months. AND he watched porn. Which I had told him would be no big deal if I was actually getting some but you look at me like I'm your sister. Yet you can eye random naked women more than your wife? It didn't add up and I still wonder if it wasn't just the alcoholism and selfishness but maybe some women on the side as well.
No matter how you spin it, it's not nice and it's not normal. Especailly when he was perfectly fine doing it at first but now it's a half-hearted chore. Something is wrong and it's more than just he's tired or some injury from over a decade ago. I'm sorry it's happening to you OP. I don't know that I have any advice but I know I wouldn't just live with it forever...
My DH is in his mid-50s and I
My DH is in his mid-50s and I feel like he will never stop chasing me around the dining room table. Honestly, I wish his sex drive would diminish some but it shows no signs of that!
If you are unhappy, then there is a problem, no matter what others experience.
Not to derail op's blog but
Not to derail op's blog but my DH is 62 and he still chases me around the dining room table. Good luck with that...
Dammit.*dash1*
Dammit.
I don't think he looks at me
I don't think he looks at me as someone that he desires. I think he looks at me as a best friend, someone that can help him out with his kids when they are here, and someone just to be there when he gets home. He's the type of person that doesn't like to be alone.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You need to have an open and honest talk with him regardless if he gets offended or not and let him know what you stated above. He needs to know and hear this, if not you are not giving him the opportunity to improve the situation that is affecting you a great deal. He's your H and with it comes that intimacy of sex, if you wanted to be in a sexless marriage you could have stayed single.
My hubby checcked out
After SD moved away a year ago without telling him. He was punished for not setting me straight, and allowing her back into my home after she was banned for her constant lies and manipulation. Because it's not fair! So she moved and blocked him, until Christmas last year when she sent a card with her new out of state address. So of course he got over it. And waits loyally for her to text, or call. He has lost 60lbs. Does nothing anymore but sit on the couch. So yeah sex will not happen, he no longer cares. So I remain in hell, waiting. I wish I could express the frustration and misery this has caused.