Have you thought about trying to do some kind of couple's counseling? I think it's totally normal for people's relationships to shift and mellow over time. The same urgent burning desire for the other person can often fade... and the wear and tear of daily life can really take the bloom off of the rose. I don't know though.. can you identify exactly why you don't feel in love with him any more? Have you lost respect for him over the years? Have your interests gone in two different directions are your goals and dreams different? Is there someone else you feel more of a connection to? Maybe it might help to do some reflection with a therapist on your own to truly figure out what is the driver behind these feelings.
I can imagine it would be a tough sell for you to go to him and say... I don't think I love you so let's go to counseling (if you want to try to save the relationship). If you want to be able to walk things back at any time, it is best to proceed with caution of the other person's feelings.
Then again, I think you have to be able to articulate what caused you to fall out of love... so that he understands if he did or didn't have a hand in it and whether he would even want to try to salvage it..
I think on this site you probably will find more people that stil are in love with the Ex they left but that there were deal breaking issues that made it impossible to go forward (IE stepkids..lol).
I agree with couples counseling, and maybe individual for you too. You will either identify whatever is causing the distance between the two of you, or you will confirm (for him too) that it's time to go. I felt similarly about my ex, and after being in and out of couples counseling for five years with no progress, it was obvious to us both that there was just one answer.
Also, it's TOTALLY NORMAL, especially for women, to fanatasize about and then plan to end the relationship for YEARS. I hope you don't feel like a freakazoid for not taking any action. You will. Counseling will help you pick the right direction.
I'm with ESMOD and Merry - couples counseling. Give it a try. I know a couple who were ready to throw in the towel, went to couples counseling, and fell back in love. If not, hopefully you will both get some closure.
Whatever you do PLEASE do not tell him that you love him but that you are not in love with him. That is about the most cruel slap in the face that anyone can say to their spouse. Just admit that you no longer love him if that's what you want to do.
But spewing crap that you still "love" him is just pouring salt in his wound. I've heard so many spouses just say they felt like they were kicked in the gut while their partner was smiling and saying "See I'm not really a bad person because I still love you like an aunt I haven't seen in 2 decades."
You can say that you like and respect them and that you don't hate them. But saying that you still love them is viciously cruel.
I have been seeing this a lot lately, and can’t help but think there is a lot of truth to it. See the article link below.
I’m not saying there aren’t reasons to leave. There are good, valid reasons why people shouldn’t stay together. But if overall you have a good relationship and there is love there...try to change your mindset and teach yourself this.
When I was going through the difficult time with the X I read a book called, 'I love you but I'm not in love with you:7 steps to saving your relationship' by Andrew Marshall- whilst I didn't agree with everything he said it helped me to make decisions and try to be more honest about my own feelings.
The truth is I was never 'in love' with my X- but I did, and still do, love him. I thought he loved me.
Reading your words made me shiver slightly, because I now realise that the X could have written them about me. He fell out of love with me but lacked the moral courage to tell me- now I wish he had have been more honest and maybe we could have sorted it out for each other's benefit, instead of making me feel that my feelings were invalid and somehow unimportant.
When we went to counselling I said I thought he was making a big mistake in ending the relationship and I still think that is the case. Now he has no one, is trawling dating sites and dating crazy women (his own words) because he could not accept that he could stay with someone he was not 'in love' with. He is old, going blind, lonely and probably discovering despite all those years of my trying to tell him, that his children don't really care about him that much. It is very sad.
Like many have said, don't tell him you are no longer 'in love' but do tell him that you are very unhappy and see if he will go to counselling with you- if not, go alone and get help to make decisions that will help the both of you.
Like many who come to the site you have realised that the issue was never really your skids, but your DH. But,think seriously about whether or not you are looking to be 'in love' again, because once you are out there again, you may not find it.
I don't have the heart to tell him I'm no longer "in" love with him. I do love him dearly. He's a great man, H, father, and friend but during the years I've realized that I have out grown him. I've been with him since I was 21 years old and I'm at a point in my life where I want more and want to progress and he's just stagnant. He's content with what he has and doesn't aspire for more. There is still love between us so I will go to individual counseling first and than look into marriage counseling. I've brought up us going together but of course "its not his thing". He loves and adores me. It just kills me inside that he knows something is wrong and I'm too much of a coward to tell him. I'm hurting him but don't want to hurt him, if that makes any sense.
I'm sure if I insisted he would go to therapy but right now I'll try and focus on myself and reflect on why I feel this way and hopefully a therapist can assist me during this difficult time. I don't want to end our marriage without giving it a shot and regret it knowing I made a mistake. Its just sad because I've reached a point where everything annoys me and the fact that I dislike being intimate with him is a red flag that I can't deny. I'm not attracted to him physically and to have sex with him is a chore and he feels and sees this. I'm not being fair to him or myself.
The whole situation with SD is not so much of an issue anymore because I have completely disengaged. I will admit that in addition to other things this also added to my feelings of not being completely supported by him. The issue is that he hasn't spoken or addressed his daughter about her feelings and her lack of disrespect toward me and this has gone on for a few years now. I'm at a point where it doesn't even matter because what she feels about me is not my concern, its hers.
Thank you all for your comments and thoughts, its greatly appreciated!
On that course you asked him about...why not be more direct? If he thought his marriage is at stake, or that it might help your sex life, he might find it IS his thing.
It might be time to hint or flat out say that you're feeling unsettled and you need to find some meaning in life. If he doesn't know the stakes, he can't rise to the occasion. What do you have to lose?
Comments
This is tough.
Have you thought about trying to do some kind of couple's counseling? I think it's totally normal for people's relationships to shift and mellow over time. The same urgent burning desire for the other person can often fade... and the wear and tear of daily life can really take the bloom off of the rose. I don't know though.. can you identify exactly why you don't feel in love with him any more? Have you lost respect for him over the years? Have your interests gone in two different directions are your goals and dreams different? Is there someone else you feel more of a connection to? Maybe it might help to do some reflection with a therapist on your own to truly figure out what is the driver behind these feelings.
I can imagine it would be a tough sell for you to go to him and say... I don't think I love you so let's go to counseling (if you want to try to save the relationship). If you want to be able to walk things back at any time, it is best to proceed with caution of the other person's feelings.
Then again, I think you have to be able to articulate what caused you to fall out of love... so that he understands if he did or didn't have a hand in it and whether he would even want to try to salvage it..
I think on this site you probably will find more people that stil are in love with the Ex they left but that there were deal breaking issues that made it impossible to go forward (IE stepkids..lol).
I agree with couples
I agree with couples counseling, and maybe individual for you too. You will either identify whatever is causing the distance between the two of you, or you will confirm (for him too) that it's time to go. I felt similarly about my ex, and after being in and out of couples counseling for five years with no progress, it was obvious to us both that there was just one answer.
Also, it's TOTALLY NORMAL, especially for women, to fanatasize about and then plan to end the relationship for YEARS. I hope you don't feel like a freakazoid for not taking any action. You will. Counseling will help you pick the right direction.
I'm with ESMOD and Merry -
I'm with ESMOD and Merry - couples counseling. Give it a try. I know a couple who were ready to throw in the towel, went to couples counseling, and fell back in love. If not, hopefully you will both get some closure.
Whatever you do PLEASE do not
Whatever you do PLEASE do not tell him that you love him but that you are not in love with him. That is about the most cruel slap in the face that anyone can say to their spouse. Just admit that you no longer love him if that's what you want to do.
But spewing crap that you still "love" him is just pouring salt in his wound. I've heard so many spouses just say they felt like they were kicked in the gut while their partner was smiling and saying "See I'm not really a bad person because I still love you like an aunt I haven't seen in 2 decades."
You can say that you like and respect them and that you don't hate them. But saying that you still love them is viciously cruel.
So I just read an article about this yoda
I have been seeing this a lot lately, and can’t help but think there is a lot of truth to it. See the article link below.
I’m not saying there aren’t reasons to leave. There are good, valid reasons why people shouldn’t stay together. But if overall you have a good relationship and there is love there...try to change your mindset and teach yourself this.
https://thoughtcatalog.com/vishali-naidoo/2017/12/sorry-romantics-but-lo...
When I was going through the
When I was going through the difficult time with the X I read a book called, 'I love you but I'm not in love with you:7 steps to saving your relationship' by Andrew Marshall- whilst I didn't agree with everything he said it helped me to make decisions and try to be more honest about my own feelings.
The truth is I was never 'in love' with my X- but I did, and still do, love him. I thought he loved me.
Reading your words made me shiver slightly, because I now realise that the X could have written them about me. He fell out of love with me but lacked the moral courage to tell me- now I wish he had have been more honest and maybe we could have sorted it out for each other's benefit, instead of making me feel that my feelings were invalid and somehow unimportant.
When we went to counselling I said I thought he was making a big mistake in ending the relationship and I still think that is the case. Now he has no one, is trawling dating sites and dating crazy women (his own words) because he could not accept that he could stay with someone he was not 'in love' with. He is old, going blind, lonely and probably discovering despite all those years of my trying to tell him, that his children don't really care about him that much. It is very sad.
Like many have said, don't tell him you are no longer 'in love' but do tell him that you are very unhappy and see if he will go to counselling with you- if not, go alone and get help to make decisions that will help the both of you.
Like many who come to the site you have realised that the issue was never really your skids, but your DH. But,think seriously about whether or not you are looking to be 'in love' again, because once you are out there again, you may not find it.
I don't have the heart to
I don't have the heart to tell him I'm no longer "in" love with him. I do love him dearly. He's a great man, H, father, and friend but during the years I've realized that I have out grown him. I've been with him since I was 21 years old and I'm at a point in my life where I want more and want to progress and he's just stagnant. He's content with what he has and doesn't aspire for more. There is still love between us so I will go to individual counseling first and than look into marriage counseling. I've brought up us going together but of course "its not his thing". He loves and adores me. It just kills me inside that he knows something is wrong and I'm too much of a coward to tell him. I'm hurting him but don't want to hurt him, if that makes any sense.
I'm sure if I insisted he would go to therapy but right now I'll try and focus on myself and reflect on why I feel this way and hopefully a therapist can assist me during this difficult time. I don't want to end our marriage without giving it a shot and regret it knowing I made a mistake. Its just sad because I've reached a point where everything annoys me and the fact that I dislike being intimate with him is a red flag that I can't deny. I'm not attracted to him physically and to have sex with him is a chore and he feels and sees this. I'm not being fair to him or myself.
The whole situation with SD is not so much of an issue anymore because I have completely disengaged. I will admit that in addition to other things this also added to my feelings of not being completely supported by him. The issue is that he hasn't spoken or addressed his daughter about her feelings and her lack of disrespect toward me and this has gone on for a few years now. I'm at a point where it doesn't even matter because what she feels about me is not my concern, its hers.
Thank you all for your comments and thoughts, its greatly appreciated!
On that course you asked him
On that course you asked him about...why not be more direct? If he thought his marriage is at stake, or that it might help your sex life, he might find it IS his thing.
It might be time to hint or flat out say that you're feeling unsettled and you need to find some meaning in life. If he doesn't know the stakes, he can't rise to the occasion. What do you have to lose?