In relation to a comment on my blog post from this morning
FDH honestly has no clue on how to handle SD6's jealousy. She is supremely jealous. Hits and kicks BD2 for no reason. Is constantly taking things away. You'd think this kid has never played with other kids before. It causes a thick presence of tension in the house. I don't know if there's anything I can do to help FDH cope with it, especially since he's sensitive about her. He knows she's downright rotten. So how do I deal with it? Is it even possible for me to deal with him not dealing with it? :? It's tiring.
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Been there done that.
Been there done that. Discipline doesn't seem to phase this kid. What hasn't been tried is an ass whoppin' but alas, FDH won't. He thinks it won't work anyways. I was reading about executive functions the other day; this kid doesn't have any of them down. Not one. Either she's impulsive ADHD or she's a sociopath in the making which may or may not be harsh.
Man this sounds just like me
Man this sounds just like me and DH with BS6. He is Seriously adhd. We don't use his meds much in the summer to try and get him to put some weight on. I feel like all I do is yell at him and send him to his room! DH is adhd also but nearly as bad and we are trying like hell to teach BS ways to learn to control himself like DH had to as a kid. And I agree it is sooo tiring! Deff being as consistent as possible is the best way even if that means they spend most of their day in time out. Hopefully, eventually they will catch on.
You should find something
You should find something that actually means something to her like a favorite toy or something and take it away. When SS2atb3 is in one of his bratty moods and doesn't want to listen or play nice we tell him it's nap time. He hates having to lay down for naps (Thanks to BM who doesn't encourage napping/early bedtime) and all we have to do is ask him if he wants to go lay down for a nap and of course he says "no" so then we just say "Then why are you acting like that? That's how you act when you are tired" Then he usually moves on along. Its tough until you can find something that actually matters to them, then they begin to weigh their options.
We have tried that. She
We have tried that. She throws a tantrum after having something taken away, gets put in time out for that, rinse and repeat. It's like she never learns.
Don't know about kids that
Don't know about kids that young but I can give an educated guess that if you don't control it now, it will NOT get better.
When I came along, SD at the age of 12 was actively and frequently grabbing, scratching, hitting and kicking her little brother. Her AUTISTIC little brother. And she did it so that he would get so upset he would eventually turn on her in self defense to which she would instantly call her father to intervene and save her from her brother.
As you can imagine, this made me utterly crazy. This issue took up a lot of bandwidth between then BF and me. We got married, issue continued. He just didn't see it the way I did. He called it "horseplay." He thought it was normal. He intervened when it turned on her because "better the son's self defense blows rain down on HIM (DH) than on SD."
Whaaaaaaaaa????!!!!!
So younger and smaller child can take all the tormenting and abuse but older, quicker, bigger and meaner kid never has to take any in return? And gets all the fun of getting her brother in trouble?
WHaaaaaaa????!!!!
DH and I went the rounds on this for close to 2 years. Then one day -- she was 14 1/2 by now and we'd been married the better part of a year -- DH was in the back yard when it occurred under my nose alone in the house with the 2 kids.
I was so livid I didn't wait to talk it over with DH. I just marched into her room and gave her what for. I openly acknowledged that her dad and I saw things differently. But I told her I had boundaries. And one of them was treating her brother with respect. And if she didn't want ME in her room making her miserable, then she'd better not cross that boundary. Thank all the gods on Olympus, my DH backed me up when I told him what I'd said to her.
So far, that has worked. And in the meantime my DH has become much more sensitized to this issue. When she first arrives for the weekend, she usually tries out some nasty bitching at her brother and her dad calls her out. On his own initiative (yay!). Or if I do, he backs me up.
So for about 8 months now our home has been a trauma free zone for my stepson. I plan on keeping that territory gained at all costs.
DH tells me that when they were little children, the elementary school had to separate them because SHE was PERSECUTING him at school! Constantly! (how is this not a wakeup call to parents???????)
Let me tell you, it's a hideous sight, a nearly grown young woman beating on a rosy cheeked little boy. She was so far past the age of "hitting" it was disgusting.
Teach your SD NOW at the little age. It will only get worse.
Also, my sister, when my nephew was little and very "hitty" -- she got him a great big Teddy Bear that sat in the corner and if he couldn't control his hitting, she sent him in to hit the bear instead. So he learned to control it that way -- hitting stuffed Bear OK, hitting humans NOT OK.
That is pretty much what is
That is pretty much what is going on here. My BD is getting very defensive. It worries me, as it should, because this BD's influence in how to play with other kids. FDH calls out SD's bullying behavior half the time and excuses it the other half and when I call it out, sometimes I'm just being mean. It gets better all the time with FDH, but not so much with SD. I think a lot of it has to do with what her life is like outside our home. BM shuffles her around and she ends up with her grandparents most the time who give in to her demands instead of dealing with her. Her grandparents have made both BM and SD trust fund kids. It's all rather disgusting to me because I've put myself through school and worked for everything I have and have given my kids. My ex is pretty much an deadbeat, absentee father.
My heart goes out to you
My heart goes out to you daughter n your frustrations n the deaf ear which your requests lie on.
A couple of things come to mind ~ fathers have a tendency to dismiss a lot of things there kids do for various different reasons ~ I didn't see what happened ( cop out cause all you have to do is ask n you will get some truth in the explaination n from judging kids character you can figure out what happened.) fathers feel daddy guilt ~ ( the transition for the kids to accept things ~ sorry again cop out. There is no excuse for this behavior. If you don't fix things you are going to establish bad behavior n it will continue. Kids love to push the boundaries to see how far they can push things. Then sd will go home to BM n tell her how rotten you guys are. Then BM will be the savior n PAS will reel it's ugly head.
Been here ~ my sd was waaaay old then your skid. My SD thought she could rule MY house ~ basically she came in like a wrecking ball
You need consistency in both houses or it's gonna backlash.
You need respect in your house with everyone.
Self respect guides your morals n respect for others guides your manners. Stay true to your gut feelings
I completely agree with
I completely agree with everything you've said. I've. expressed these things to FDH and he says he understands, but understanding and follow through 100% of the time are completely different. You've hit the nail on the head about the guilty dad parenting and excusing.
BM is.worthless so getting her on board.with anything consistent is out of the question. She would have to have.the.kid in her presence which is rare. I think it's mostly.the grandparents doing and they won't be cooperative in stopping the over spoiling and.entitlement enabling.
Some grandparents are just to
Some grandparents are just to worn down to discipline the kids ~ omg I feel for you.
I find myself with my youngest like this bit I know it's wrong. I just don't have it in me. But you gotta do it.
Will the smaller child carry
Will the smaller child carry these defensive behaviors over into school? You betcha.
SS began getting in trouble at school for being too physical. I said to his dad that the boy was taking behaviors learned from his sister to school.
His dad didn't see it.
Of course not.
But thank heaven his mother has encouraged me to go to the IEPs at school and otherwise interact teachers. In this manner, I have been present when SS starts talking about "NameofSD keeps punching me."
Teacher looks stricken, "who is NameofSD??"
SS: "My sister!"
ChiefGrownup: "You know we don't let her do that at Dad's house and we're going to Dad's now, right?"
Teacher looking at me with disgust. That is, in SUPPORT of ME, but in disgust at BM. School has BM's number. They knew where this boy's bad habits come from.
Dad has worked hard with me over the time we've been together and made a lot of progress. But I will never ever never understand why he found it necessary to protect his Older Bigger Smarter Quicker daughter from his tormented son, but never vice versa. Or why he couldn't see that play habits developed at home would not be repeated elsewhere. He still can't see that part.