My DH babies his son to. He is 10, the same age as my daughter. My daughter is so grown up,or mature. we talk about boobs, she knows what a peirod is. she takes horse riding lessons,she actually cracks me up,because I almost feel like shes 20 sometimes, she doesn't seem afraid of anything. on the other hand he won't even send his son on a plane to and from home with a paid attendent, (he lives out of state) the kid has flown atleast a dozen times.always with his mom, but I think if he would put him on a plane whilr he is here he would be fine.Actually we had the talk this mporning about how to get him back home,he lives 1400 miles away, with gas, hotels,eating, wear and tear on MY car I told him to figure it out,to drive him back is about 100.00 more then flying, of coarse BM wont use the kids CS money for transportation, she could to get him hear, but no way for us to use it get him home. I told him PIss on her if she wants him back tell her we have NO money,so she can buy the damn ticket.Bottom line my DH wont stand up to HER,and won't MAKE SS do anything that would cause him to be independent. wish I could be more help..Stay in touch on this sight. your pretty new to step parenting, these people help alot.

Wow, I feel your pain!! I think the most maddening thing about this (my adult SDs are in their late 20s and still think they are daddy's babies....do they hate my a$$!) is that you are a professional person, as am I, who is dealing with such pettiness that you feel like YOU must be the crazy one!! I could sense the anger in your words, and I am there NOW, too...and you are probably not "like that".

I HATE the person I become because of the anger I have toward his adult daughters. And, same thing, if I say anything to him about how they bully him (and try to bully me around), I AM THE BAD ONE!!
They know they don't have to treat me well; he's not going to defend me to them. If I complain or get upset, it just gets pooh-poohed
away.

I just joined this site last week, and it has truly changed my life.
I no longer feel like an out-of-control maniac who has to just "sit there and take it"; I started STANDING UP for myself. DH doesn't like it, and that's where we are now. We are arguing like mad. But as I've posted on many blogs, if our marriage breaks up, I hope those nasty WITCHES are happy.

Ok. First of all welcome here. We are a really supportive and gently honest (most of the time ) group of SMs, Sfs, BMs and BFs (let me know if those need defining, I've been here a little while now and forget at times how confusing those abbreviations are.)

Being both SM and BM is a challenge (what part of blending isn't I suppose!)

I think I understand some of your feelings about feeling like you're living with a miniBM, I have that due to SD and BM both having the same Personality Disorder. In my case BM calls me lazy and fat to SD, makes fun of the fact that I am a stay home mom and doesn't acknowledge I actually am a writer/actor/photographer/sometimes instructor and public speaker.

Her attitude toward me is ironic since BM worked only sporadically during their marriage, dropped out of school with one semester -that her dad was paying for- right before marrying DH, then went back and finished that degree plus got an RN on DH's dime, with SD either in daycare or with DH.

By comparison, for 6 years I worked full time, had shared parenting with my ex, put myself through college, kept a mortgage and fixed up my little house on my own. I met DH with 4 semesters left on my BA, a year later planned a wedding in 6 weeks during my next to last semester, got married on spring break, got pregnant the next month, spent my last semester ready to give birth any day, and graduated with honors 10 short days before Anna was born. Chubby? Maybe- had THREE kids, not ONE. Lazy? Really? Over ambitious perhaps, lazy no. However, SD was only around for a year of my working/student life so she has been brainwashed by BM as if that part of me never existed. Also, because I am a writer, trying to work on a few plays and one novel, and SD accuses me of being addicted to the computer and not there for her. One week I was working on a photography job, editing pics and creating a slide show, that I had been PAID to do, and SD got in my face about my not paying enough attention to her because I'm always playing on the computer.

My (long winded) point is that your resentment cannot be relayed to the kids. In my case SD is taking in her BM's opinion and making it her own. It's easy for her to believe I'm a wicked SM. And no matter if it hurts some, I can handle it. In your case, I'm afraid the kids will pick up on your feelings, even if you don't express it to them directly. And I don't think the kids will side with you and against their own mom. Sometimes they don't even if deep down they know it's true. They'll read into every sigh, every angry look, etc. And they will turn on you, even if you happen to be right and justified. Because she's their mom.

You may want to talk to a counselor (bring DH sometimes if at all possible) to find ways to figure all of this out. I think that your resentment of BM in this case will poison your relationship with your DH, and your Skids. I know it is so incredibly difficult to separate SK's from their mom, especially when she is either judgmental of you, or is poisoning the SKids and using them to get to you. But they are still kind of young and way impressionable. They aren't the same person. And they are also part of your DH.

It may be that you are overwhelmed and likely just now starting to realize you are in a potentially "over your head" experience with blending two houses. Is DH supportive of you?

As I said before, Welcome. We are all there and all here for you!

I would try really hard to find "Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

He does all of that crap with an 11yo? I would be in his face about all of this. I would be shipping him off to get his head screwed on straight.

My husband is the same way (although not as bad now) with SD15. He got mad at her stepdad the other day because, get this, the man makes SD "carry her own bag." When they switch her and she has to go from husband's car to SF's car, he doesn't get out and take her bag from her. OK, she's 15. She can carry her own damn bag. We used to fight about that ALL THE TIME on trips because he would carry his own and SD's bags and leave the rest to me.

I sympathize with you! Stop doing things for her and let husband handle it. If he wants to run around and be at her beck and call (and he might), so be it. Maybe he'll wear himself out eventually or force her to become more self-sufficient.

Maybe counseling would help you to deal with the anger. He definitely needs counseling over his daughter. Was your relationship with this dude always warped up or did it just become more exposed during the last 4 months?

This is the perfect place to vent and your feeling are completely normal. I'm scared for you because I've been married to my DH for over a decade and his now-adult SDs are being so mean to us and especially me. I bent over backwards for these girls and did more for them that their BM ever did (high school teachers even said so!). They are spoiled, selfish brats who don't care about anyone but themselves. It's scary...I don't want you to end up where I'm at. Bad news = she will get worse. Good news = your DH will probably start seeing things for what they are as she ages.

He kisses SD12 butt and she's the one I had to call the police on!
SD11 gets ignored and he gets pissed when I tell him. Oh and he seems to think he treats them the same. Both of my Skids are girls but I think he prefers SD12 b/c she looks most like him and everyone who knows him and BM think SD11 is not his. (BM had affairs during the marriage)

As for the picture!! God that pisses me off too!! They even made a point to wave it in my face on my anniversary!! The same anniversary that DH and I were supose to renew our vows and acually have a wedding! Just something small so our families could be there, since we were married in Las Vegas. We didn't get to do it b/c of the girls. I even sometimes wonder if there's a way to have them "lose" the pictures if that mess of a room...

Oh and I found a picture in DH wallet last week of him, BM, and the Skids! He's been hiding it for 5 YEARS!!! He saw how upset I was and cut BM out of the picture and gave it to me. }:) I poked pins in it over and over, then I set it on fire! Do you think it might be like VooDoo and she felt it? I could only wish.

Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns

it makes divorced parents act like idiots.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

Oh this is so true sometimes.