Ultimatum Update
I gave her plenty of chances to tell her father about what has been going on and she never did it. I couldn't take it anymore and told him myself. He was completely on board with me and totally agreed with me. He confronted her about it at dinner. He told her that she had better not ever say a word about me hating her again and that she should be thankful to me for trying to help her and for caring about her enough to make sure that she stays safe. We ended up grounding her for a month, taking away a month's worth of allowance, and getting a list of every website she goes to and all of her logins and passwords. We told her that if she is hiding anything from us, the punishment will get worse and she will no longer be going on vacation with us for spring break in a month. We also told her that if anything like this happens again she will be going to live with either her paternal grandparents of with her BM. We are supposed to be staying overseas for the next 4 years, but if she doesn't straighten up, my hubby has said that he can cancel that (up until Feb. 2011) and we will take orders somewhere else instead of her being able to finish up high school here as planned. I am very happy with the way things have gone and I hope she learns her lesson this time. Unfortunately, I don't think that will be the case. She never seems to learn, at least not in the long term sense of things.
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I forgot to mention, I told
I forgot to mention, I told BD about SD14 trying to get me to lie to him for her. He was FURIOUS! I am so blessed to have a man that stands up for me the way he does. I should give him more credit. I always worry that he is not going to hear me out when it comes to SD14, but he always does. He actually posed the question to SD14 of how she would handle that if she was in my shoes. Would she keep the secret or tell her significant other? She actually told him she didn't know...typical teenage response. She is only thinking about herself here, not how her actions are affecting everyone else.
SD14 needs to remember she
SD14 needs to remember she is a child, and you have the right to tell BD. Raising kids is hard enough, add skids to the mix, whoa step back, something could explode. I wish my BD would have stepped up to his SD's, maybe they would not be out of control adults, threatening to kill me. Hey please leave your guns at the front door
LOL
So you win. Your husband was
So you win. Your husband was FURIOUS,your SD was punished,and now is right with the world,because you are happy. You said in your earlier posts that you have to tell him daily about things that she said or did that you don't like. Damn,daily? What if someone was around and allowed to critique and criticize everything that you do and say every damn day,especially based on what they believed was right and wrong? Would you be found lacking?
Not having her mother around,whatever kind of person she may be,is painful for her. To punish her is one thing but to threaten to send her away is cruel,in light of the fact that she probably already feels abandoned. She is a teenager,they do stupid things,risky things. Hell,truth be told,I am sure many posters have some stories to tell of their teenage years,that would curl your hair. Everyone would be orphans if our parents could have sent us somewhere,we were lucky to survive. That shouldn't excuse her behavior,and she has to be held responsible for her actions with concern for her outcome.Not so that you can be 'right again',while you remind her she is like her mother(great for building self esteem),make sure your husband got your back and to remind her that she is no good,all while proclaiming your 'love'.
You shouldn't have went to her first,you should have told your husband,and you could have discussed it first together, and then with her,even perhaps covered it in counseling,maybe? Getting 'confronted' at the dinner table,really? Many of us here know that being furious rarely changes anything,if anything anger taints the positive outcomes that can be gained when cooler,thoughtful heads prevail.
You say you hate liars,blah,blah,blah.When people say they hate liars,they are hating on themselves,because at some point everyone lies,little white lie,big lies,sooner or later everyone has,is or is about to lie. You have two young children that you think are not going to lie to you,and be the perfect angels that you are raising them to be? Only God make angels,and even with a holy attitude,you are fooling yourself into thinking that just because you are their mother,that they will be perfectly behaved,never lying children.
They are going to ask you to not tell their father something too,they are going to sneak around with the opposite sex,try to skip school,break curfew,eat all your food,run up your insurance,ask for money,yell,be disrespectful,ungrateful,slam doors,remind you that they know EVERYTHING,tell you they hate you at least once,break things,not take the garbage out,use your stuff w/o permission,dress in a style that you don't like,play you and your husband against each other,etc. It's going to happen,and of course there will be the good times and they will be count the most,that and that they grow into healthy,prepared,productive and happy adults,despite their childhood/teenage foibles.
Hell,for that matter some adults still don't have the emotional maturity to always tell the truth,to avoid bad boys,and negative situations,yet we can find it in our hearts to forgive and even try to understand where they are coming from,to empathize,because we know they have it sooo bad,being adults and all.If you can be that way with a stranger,you can be that way with a child,especially when that child is a part of your family.
It is not what happens it's how we handle it,and while your SD is making mistakes,it doesn't make her the worst kid ever.
Your children are watching as well,and good or bad they will be affected. One thing about kids,you can't hide who you really are,and if your motivations are less than honorable with your SD,you will be held to task by them at some point in the future.
The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi
Yikes. I am gonna put my
Yikes. I am gonna put my ass out here, and understand I may just get a cyber-spanking, but you I think you need to back off.
It's okay to question the motives here - it gives the posters the opportunity to look for the real issues. However, redhead did mention in her post "The ultimatum" that her SD was lying about being in contact with someone she shouldn't. From what I read, she isn't gloating over her husband's fury, but rather the idea that her husband is stepping up, being a "good parent" - applying discipline where it is not only warranted, but absolutely necessary. Unlike you, I perceived the alternatives in living situations to be not a punishment (get rid of evil SD & keep my man for myself), but as a solution to a problem that cannot be solved by staying where they are. The contact in question is a fellow student at SD's high school. Moreover, she mentioned that their entire family would be relocating...career-related, I believe (correct me if I'm wrong)
I personally like being challenged on my views, in a constructive manner. I do not react well to injustice, and that is what I'm feeling here in your comments.
Usade I applaud you for
Usade I applaud you for sticking up for the poster of the blog!! & I agree with you!!!
You said it well. The reply
You said it well. The reply was all about not reacting in anger, but that seems to be exactly what the reply post was - an angry reaction that didn't take into account any background information.
There is a HUGE difference between constructive criticism (helpful) and destructive criticism (hurtful). I wish more people could see that.
I'll put my vote on this
I'll put my vote on this side. I agree.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
I am gonna go one step
I am gonna go one step further here, empathetice.
I have read many of your posts, and you know? Some of the things you say come across as the most condescending "holier than thou" bullshit. Truth be told. Do you ever read what you write? Honestly, this is the first time I have ever responded to your post, but you need to back the hell off sometimes.
Seriously, what do YOU suggest her to do? Let the girl keep lying and not tell her dad? Cmon now.
____________________________________________________________________
Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
LOL,usade put the guns
LOL,usade put the guns away,it's not that serious.
I was offensive to the point of it being an 'injustice'? I appreciate the fact that you won't stand for it, but so what? There is no challenge to your view,because you are absolutely entitled to it, whatever it is,(you were a little vague and hazy)it's yours, you own it. What does that mean to me exactly if you are disturbed by something I wrote,especially if it wasn't directed at you? Nada. I posted my opinion she can take it or leave it. This is not a high school student body election. If it doesn't apply,let it fly.
"We also told her that if anything like this happens again she will be going to live with either her paternal grandparents of with her BM."
That was quoted directly from her post. So, she(we) did say they would send her back to the beastly BM.
And the idea that the whole family would move so that she would stop talking to a boy or to alleviate her 'bad' behavior is ridiculous. There are bad boys all over the world. How about working on self esteem and confidence,and cut the wolf tickets,especially from the one man she looks up to the most?
But I digress,it really isn't that serious. Opinions are like assholes,everyone has one.
The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi
Ok, first off...you need to
Ok, first off...you need to back off...I'm here for advice and support, not to have a new asshole torn for me. As you stated, I already have one.
You don't know the whole story, so you shouldn't be adding your own parts to it. We have a long history of problems with SD14. She suffers from depression, she has problems with constant lying and stealing, and she is not learning from her mistakes. She is in therapy, but it doesn't seem to be working. I think she is using it more as a "get out of school card" than something that could help her cope with all of these problems and become the person she wants to be.
We are a military family. The fact that she got arrested for trying to defend herself against this asshole that threatened to kill her got my husband in trouble and cost him a promotion because he "can't control his child" as they put it. For her to go back to this idiot and purposefully hide it from us because she knows it's wrong? You don't see a problem with that? I am not about to let her get away with crap like that. I'm not saying I'm perfect in any way, I have plenty of flaws. I don't expect her to be perfect either, but I do expect her to be respectful of me and her father and the rest of her family and learn right from wrong. I certainly do not want to ship her off to someone else so I can "have my man all to myself"! You are assuming a lot in your bashing of me, and you know what they say about assuming...Never assume because it makes an ass out of you and me. That's pretty much what you've accomplished with your little uninformed rant...you've made yourself look like an ass and your making me want to react to you like one. Do me a favor...don't give me anymore of your feedback. I don't want it and I certainly don't need it. All you've done here is try to tear me down. No thanks. I can deal with constructive criticism and advice, but not with someone like you that thinks they know it all when they actually don't know shit.
Back off and leave us alone if all you have to say is hurtful, uninformed bullshit.
I would just like to thank
I would just like to thank those of you that stood up for me here. I in no way was boasting about some victory or anything like that. I am relieved that everything is out in the open and that we were able to calmly discuss things with SD14 so that she can try to understand the severity of the situation.
I say cheers to you. One of
I say cheers to you. One of the things I'm having an issue as a new blogger with is that you can't write the entire story down. There's no way. We come in here and take a peek at each others lives and form opinions on little information. Perhaps the poopy pants poster neede to bag on you to feel better about herself, which by the way is like tottaly high school and I'm like soooo not going to vote for her. Pashaw!
LOL!!!...Oh, thank you for
LOL!!!...Oh, thank you for that! I ,like, totally agree! I needed a laugh. Thanks Mylife7.