Realist.... I’ve seen your postings many times and am aware of your pain. I hate to see you give up on your marriage as much as I hate to see how unhappy you are.

I hesitate to give you advice because, although I’m a BM of 3 kids – I still consider myself a “rookie” and even more of a rookie when it comes to my 4 stepkids. It did get bad for a while with his kids, and then I finally told him that every other weekend was like living at Six Flags over Hell! I told him if he couldn’t get a handle on their behavior that he needed to stay in a motel with them during his periods of possession, and added that although I WAS ready to sacrifice every other weekend for his kids, that I WAS NOT willing to live in HELL every other weekend. (And he knew I was serious because I had pulled up several websites of local motels!) OMG! What a change that prompted!

I think one of the reasons why your husband does this is because he feels like it is acceptable. Your unhappiness is a small price for HIM to pay. It sounds to me like your happiness is not one of his priorities. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. If we don’t express to others what is acceptable and what is not, then people treat us as though there are no boundaries.

Firstly, when his girls are there, it should not be your job to get up and cook and clean up for the girls. Get his butt out of the bed and make him do it. "Darling... your girls are hungry...." .... "Darling... you left a mess in the kitchen..." Don’t let yourself be tempted to clean up after them. Take your kiddos and go to the park, or go play PaintBall or shopping or something. There is no sense in your being the "weekend slave" - particularly when they aren't nice to you and don't even talk to you. Take YOUR kids and get out for a couple of hours. And when when you get back, make not-so-subtle hints that you and your kids had a great time playing arcade games, or shopping or paintball or whatever… BTW, did you know that regular little toy marbles stored overnight in a freezer and enjoined with a sleeping husband the following morning are eye-openers.??..)

What is the ABSOLUTE WORST that could happen if you suddenly refused to fetch the girls - an hour and a half away, or what would happen if you refused to fix breakfast - or clean up after them?

I can tell that you undoubtedly love your family and are in agony over all of this. Most of us can endure excruciating pain - but only you can determine how long you can take it.

Best wishes, and I hope things work out. Keep us posted.

Big hugs,
Tootsie

If you can get DH to go to counseling WITH you, maybe the counselor can get him to see things from your perspective. Sometimes having an uninterested third party to mediate can help each person see the other's side of things when they are too emotional to see for themselves. So I definitely think you are doing the right thing with the counseling, but I also think DH needs to be there with you and if he doesn't care enough to go, then you have your answer. Hopefully, though, he will go with you and you two can begin to work on your problems together and eventually you can bring the girls in, too, for family counseling. It's really about all of you learning to live together and combining your lives. The way you describe it kind of reminds me of those reality TV shows where they have four totally separate and unrelated strangers come together to try to live in a house together. You guys need to find your common ground. Keep us posted!

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Read my blog entries and you will see we have similar issues. Fortunately for me, the boyfriend's daughter does not come over to our house anymore. Although my boyfriend misses his daughter, he realizes how his exwife has manipulated him for years using his daughter as a pawn and he now sees that his daughter's behavior toward me and him has been approved by her mother. Hopefully, when his daughter grows maturely (she is 16, but acts about 2), she will realize our relationship was doomed from the start. Her mother told her how horrible stepmothers were, that we shouldn't move in together because her daughter would think that living in sin was okay (although her mother and my boyfriend were living together before they got married, etc.). The exwife is at a loss now because she is not able to run both our house and hers and she has lost the power to manipulate my boyfriend because he now sees how things have been. Hang in there, work it out, go to counseling and realize you did this because you loved your DH and once things calm down, hopefully you can enjoy the rest of your lives together. Good luck.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is so not healthly and it is high time to change the game plan.

1. Take off your kid gloves, stop taking care of this rude SD. Done. That's insane, you should not be disrespected like that in YOUR own home. Kick his lazy ass out of that bed and don't you dare drive an hour and half again to pick this insulin SD.

2. Drag him into that therapist's office so he can here from himself he is acting like a jack ass.

3. If nothing changes after that or it gets worse, I'm sorry to say, then it is the end of the road.

Stand up for your self. Sounds like you are a very good person who has put everyone before you. Now it's your turn. Your happeness in at stake.

Best wishes and a prayer. Jo

OH REalist...I get a knot in my stomach just reading your words. I am in a similar situation. DH defends BM all the time and I am the one with the problem...It is the Holy St. Ex. He just said he has to answer phone when she calls (God forbid it is an emergency) and he is NOT going to cut her off if she needs to chat about something lame. Do I leave now before I get in too deep or hope I can accept his disrespect of my feelings when in realty in a hundred years from now, this will have meant nothing at all to anyone.
How important is it????

MOST OF THE STRESS YOU HAVE IS CAUSED BY YOUR HUSBAND'S CONTINUALLY DISOBYEING YOUR WISHES. HAVE YOU SAT YOUR HUSBAND DOWN AND TELL HIM EVERY LITTLE THING THAT UPSETS YOU ABOUT EXWIFE? AND HOW YOU WANT IT TO CHANGE? AND DID YOU REACH SOME KIND OF AGREEMENT FOR EACH ONE TOGETHER? EXWIVES WILL ALWAYS BE A PAIN IN THE ASS BUT IT'S YOUR PARTNER THAT HAS TO LIMIT THE CONVERSATION & INFORM YOU OF EVERYTHING. THE MORE YOUR HUSBAND BREAKS YOUR WISHES THE MORE THIS EX IS GONNA BE INVOLVED IN YOUR LIFE. IF BOTH OF YOU CAN'T AGREE ON THINGS AND FOLLOW THROUGH THEN I THINK BRINGING IN A COUNSELOR IS A GOOD IDEA BUT YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO BE PRESENT TOO. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL WHEN YOU FEEL FRUSTRATED WHEN EX CALLS. I TOO FEEL THE SAME WAY JUST HAVING TO READ EX EMAILS ABOUT THE CHILD THEY SHARE TOGETHER. YES IN A SENSE YOU HAVE TO GET OVER THE FACT THAT THERE IS A STEPCHILD INVOLVED & EX WIFE INVOLVED IN YOUR LIFE BUT EX'S CONVERSATION W/YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD ONLY BE LIMITED TO REGARDING THE CHILD AND NOTHING ELSE. GOODLUCK & KEEP US POSTED.

-happy mom

I forget what I wanted to say! LOL... DAMN IT!

Well, I totally totally totally... how many times can I put totally here... understand how you feel. Believe me, I feel your pain.

I will be honest and tell you that I have this little nagging voice in the back of my head saying to me... will I make it? The divorce rate is high, but drastically higher for second marriages... will I be one of them? Sometimes, I just don't know. Other days, I feel like on top of the world. It's hard work, I think it's harder for step/blended families than first marriages with no step children.

Unfortunately, we have to take it day by day by day. Count our blessings, and press on. It's a thankless job, and a job that only some will master, others will fail, and the majority of us will constantly be adapting to.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Today I am going to try to keep the past in the past....I think when I keep reliving all the times the Ex has crossed her boundaries in my opinion..it's too overwhelming for me. (Her asking if she could join us when we cut our xmas tree down cause she neede one too, offering DH homemade jumbalaya to take home with him, asking her son to tape things for her when he's at our house, the list goes on,and on In fact, maybe if I blog it, I can finally get it out of my head.......) BUt the point is, if I forget that stuff for today..and just deal with the crap that comes up today maybe life will be more bearable. All I know is that the combination of all those thoughts swirling around my head is driving me insane.

I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the TShirt idea. It's exactly how it feels when we are second wives. My brother is a Tshirt printer..I'm getting one made. Nice pretty french script lettering. (I am giving it to DH for Father's Day I think. Actually I will get him a bigomyst TSHIRT cause he has two wives IMO and if he doensn't realize he can't serve two master...then he's back to only having one wife. The answers to avoid this however seems so simple, but they don't get it.
PS We have to give Fearless credit for the Holy St. ex phrase...I have to use it too because it hits the nail on the head.

Hey, don't I feel stupid....I always refer to my hubby as a bigomyst but what I really mean is POLYGAMYST (spelling). LOL

Anyway he again said if I dont' "knock it off" "IM" going to ruin our marriage...Hmm - I thought things take two.

Anyway today I am going to try, try, and try again. Maybe I am soo wrong. Maybe she really is nice w/ no motive, and I'm being paranoid???

I was thinking...should I start behaving the same way to her back???For instance, she always seem to be trying to be "friends"..The other day she offered hubby some jumbalaya for us...couple of weeks ago, she found some coupon booklet adn gave that to him. Now, all this is ridiculous to me but maybe I'll send the kids home with magazines for "mom" that i already read. Hubby will see I'm being just as saintly back to her...and viola, problem solved???? I don't know. Good luck getting through the day today with no ex issues ladies. Hugs to all.

Realist, friend, good luck to you in sorting out your own boundaries and bridges. I really do think that's what it comes down to--and your DH has to be your partner in this, or it just doesn't work. Counseling really helped my DH and I, as did time, and the Ex getting re-married. There are still issues, but it is much better. The question is always whether DH is willing to be a partner and to meet you halfway; counseling may help him see this, over time. Best wishes to you and let us know how it goes.

Hi ladies...when hubby mentioned that ex offered him jumbalya (I didn't probe & give him the third degree whether she intended for him to take it home to me or to just go in the house, and have a bowl if he wanted.(she was on her way out and he was going to "the house" to pick up the kids to bring them to us.... But ironically, our neighbor was making some and so he told her..No thanks, our neighbor is making some today too...DUH.. Why couldn't he just say HUH???? like her offering it to us was WEIRD which it was. In any case, I am neither insulted (I hate cooking and his kids know that) nor thankful she was so sweet to offer it to him. MY PROBLEM IS THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHERE SHE IS COMING FROM and it makes me uneasy....Should I just take the initiatve and sweetly ask her? and explain to her that in my relationship with my ex, not in a million years would I offer him some lasagna that I happened to make and therefore I am confused....My DH has said from day one..she does alot of things he doesn't understand but it never bothers him...Here my ex kissed me on the cheek in front of my DH when his brother died, and my DH flipped. "Why did he kiss you?" blah, blah....I at least knew why he did. I don't know why this ex does anything. WAit a second, I take that back..I DO KNOW WHY...She still loves him and wants to remain in his inner circle. She'd go through hoops for him. Am I jealous of her...I swear to you I am not...Do I think she'd take him back in a minute? Absolutely. Do I think he'd go back. NO. I need to just accept her I think, but when I see her I will have a heart to heart. On paper, I am toughsounding, but in person, I do have a good heart and can try to talk to her about how I feel as a second wife and ask her to please respect our boundaries. I really think she needs to know her boundaries. Or the other answer is like tyra's and just not ask to be privy to their conversations.

Leave me alone, I like your screen name....To be honest, that is all I wish the exwife would do...JUST LEAVE US ALONE. Get her c.s., call DH when you need to ABOUT The kids..and leave us alone....no giving us coupons for things, no food offering, and the list goes on and on. You are right--- there's always something right around the corner and I too ask myself. "How important is it?" Usually not at all!! she's just a splinter that will forever be there...