I recently found upon my home computer, which is some years old, 10,000 songs which were downloaded onto it by an unknown source. I was trying to recapture a song by Noel Redding, associated with Hendrix and Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones, which I had paid for from Itunes but did not load onto my new ipod. My first ipod was with me for six years and I have it still, enshrined (no, just kidding). But in that process, I found all this stuff, and it took almost two days to load onto the new ipod, just for shits and giggles. I have every song you could think of, and I have to be very careful because music is a damn keg of dynamite for me, it's the way a drug is to many people. Can instantly influence my mood.

Puff the Magic Dragon, anyone?

I'm not sure where to start, and who really cares anyway.

Save, write, save?

Or Bang, Bang My Baby Shot Me Down by Nancy Sinatra?

I reached my tolerance level in January, I knew I could take no more of princess living in my house. I constantly have to correct myself into thinking, saying, our house. We were married last June, it has taken this many months of inquiring, asking, badering, stonewalling a simple change of mailing address from him. So, it does still feel like my house. Well, I guess it always will. There is a perfect circle of old oaks that surrounds the house, I was so unaware of what I was doing when I built the house, now I see it all around me, and the outside draws me. Yech, stop digressing.

Hello, Laura Brannigan, dead at 42. Yes, let's talk about Self Control. Let's listen.

princess is a work of art. She is lovely, the best lover of lies I have encountered. princess just turned 20. Lucky girl, so many girls who should have and deserved to never have. But she did. She's mutating further into her aborted self. No matter how I try to wrap my mind around how painful that must be for her father, I can't. He is a flawed gem, but absolutely filled with brilliant light despite that. She is a dark flaw, the spitting image of her mother. Except she got her dad's good looks, not her mom's pinched features. But princess is dumb, she has those pinched expressions embedded within her to such a degree that what could have been beautiful is simply twisted.

I told my husband that she was doing nothing but careening toward disaster from the start of the move into the apartment, although I spent many nights on my kness outside thanking God for it, and that he needed to talk to her asap about her obligations to herself. I will not give that girl one more penny. Ever. I don't care about her, I don't care about her college, her someday wedding, I do not care. Or perhaps I should say, the dumb girl crossed me in such profound ways I would leave her bleeding on the street. And yes, I would.

I would walk away from her even if she were in such a state, I have done that very thing, which is an aspect of myself I did know of. I am such a cold cruel person? I have that within me? Yes, I do. I've always heretofore had the room for compassion and understanding towards others. Emotionally, my ex has been walled off in the same for years now, he was my first experience of encountering what is a limitation of me as a person. But obvioiusly, I have kids with that jackass, so I have to be measured in what I do with that.

My husband saw in her the best of himself, possibility within a miserable marriage. I have made a difficult choice that not only will I not tend to that, I will be honest (oh, so fucking honest, yeah, uh huh) about the opinions I have formed about that dumb girl as a result of my direct experiences with this stupid twat.

She did not, as I predicted, come begging to us for money after she blew through her latest 3k check from her grandmother, my husband's mother. Not because I called the need wrong. I was right, that dumb girl, with all her tuition, phone, car, car insurance, etc. and so forth already paid for, blows through 3 grand a month. On what I wonder. I asked my husband to check and see if that dumb girl is flunking out of college, but should I ride him about that? No, I have better things to tend to.

If she is, she is. If she's not, she's not. I feel I followed my insticts in asking him to check, I can do no more.

What that dumb girl did is portray her father and me out to her grandmother and great aunt as people of means who withheld from her, guess why, all step mothers out there. Yes, fucking guess. I love my mother in law, she is a woman I resonate with. I've been torn this way and that with life, meaning she and I have a regard for one another, but no real intimacy, we have not spent a good amount of time with another. Yet.

And that stinking cunt put her spin on me to my mother in law. Now, the fact that my mother in law after I don't know how many thousands of dollars princess got bad step mommy mileage from finally called her son (they are so restrained and overly respectful in that way), to express her concern about princess's spending, says what it needs to. We were unaware of princess exercising her fledgling sociopathy upon her supposedly beloved relatives. My husband poliely asked to know from princess how much money princess has extracted from her relatives, she just didn't reply. Really? Seriously. That dumb twat. When I find out, I am gong to make a bill, I really don't care if any of them agree, that dumb twat will learn something of value from me, something actually of value to her that she can carry through life with her stupid self. You pay your own way, bitch. Learn it now or later, that is the way life works.

I am caring for my kids and working, there's nothing else. Again, a rare diversion for me to write.

I wish for the space, the freedom to write whenever I wish.