Should the non custodial parent give special treatment to the child not living at hm over the kids that do?
Just a thought n I would like ur opinions.. I feel that some non custodial parents tend to give special treatment or preference to the kid(s) not living at hm over those that do, idk if this is because they feel that its a way of making up for loss time or just their way of reassuring them that they do love them, my opinion is the kid(s) thst dont live with u should not b given any special treatment because the other kids are also ur kids n its not their fault that they are not the first kid(s) n also ur child who does not live at hm should not c ur hm as a "fun getaway" place byt as their second hm were they have rules as their siblings living at hm.. What are ur opinions???
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Great topic. SD5 comes EOWd
Great topic. SD5 comes EOWd and we have BSalmost2 together. FDH is super strict with BS2 whereas when SD was 2 he coddled her to no end. Now that SD is a hell child (BM has no rules at her house).. FDH realizes he needs to do something different. There are a lot of times where FDH wants to do fun things even though SDs behavior has sucked, and I always say, if shes not good, we do nothing fun. I do not care that she came yesterday and is leaving tomorrow. If you cant act right then the weekend will be sitting on the couch staring at daddy doing nothing. Too bad so sad.
FDH was very worried when we had BS that SD would think that he loved BS more cause he lives with him. Ha, once again, cant help ya there, sorry that BM chose to only let u be daddy EOWd. I very much agree with you that BS should not be treated any 'less than' because he was not first in line. SD will very much have to get used to that this isnt just a play visit place. When the kids get older I expect her to do chores here too. Everyone eats so everyone helps with dishes, just how everyone makes their beds etc..
Honestly, if my kids were
Honestly, if my kids were only around me EOWe, I'd spend every second I could with them.
There IS a degree of "making up for lost time." How could there not be??
The kids that are there all the time get daddy EVERY day. They aren't coming out behind.
I agree 100% if I tell my sd
I agree 100% if I tell my sd to help me keep an eye on her much smaller siblings she cimplains that I have her as bby sitter which is so not true, ur older u can help out but dh wants to make her feel "comfortable" so whatever she says goes! I dont think so!! My kids are also his n he needs to treat all the same, all they are doing is spoiling the other kids n making them into bratts!
You should NOT be using your
You should NOT be using your DH's older child as your babysitter. She is only there, what, four days a month??
Her father should be spending that time with her. Not making your parenting job easier.
Of course it t shouldn't
Of course it t shouldn't happen. But I know if I only saw one if my kids a few days a month, I'd act the same way.
Who said anything about
Who said anything about ignoring kids?
I do not use my sd as my bby
I do not use my sd as my bby sitter n never will, as an older sister I only ask that if she sees something she can let me know as all big bros or sis do.. She doesnt do anything around here n my kids pick up after them swlves but are way younger than her, her mentality is she comes here and is to b served n do nothing but yet at hm shes a little servant she ahould know that just like her mom can give her rules around tge house without her reacting like a spoil bratt so can her dad, n yes I understand that he does not live with her but he also does nit spend every second with his kids here infact I would say about the same n now thats saf because they do live with him, he meeds to b equal with all his kids none are at fault!
So sorry for the miss spelled
So sorry for the miss spelled words im using my phone n it wont let me go back n correct..
I never said anything about
I never said anything about ignoring.
I think ALL children deserve some one on one quality time with their parents.
If one kid is with daddy 30 days a month, and the other kid is with daddy 4 days a month, Yeah...I sure as hell think daddy needs to spend "more" time with the kid those 4 days. Why? Because the other kid gets lots of "daddy time" the other 26 days of the month. Oh, and they don't need to share daddy those 26 days.
Simple.
If I had limited time with my kid, I'd definitely make the most of the time I DID have.
Why would you want to your DH to spend reduced time with his kid??
Good point, Newwife3. In a
Good point, Newwife3. In a truly co-parenting situation, both bio parents would have the child's interest in mind and would try to form a balance between all vacation, all attention on skid, and some degree of normalcy.
A real parent would not want their kid to be the center of attention to the point of it being unhealthy. It only creates complete jerks. It happens in nuclear families too.
The point of this site is to help discuss these issues of how difficult it is to manage that balance of too much attention (and not appreciating the custodials) and not enough attention and resenting the NCP.
How annoying that this site become a playground for bullying.
In my experience, as full
In my experience, as full time custody of SD9, after 3 yrs of no visits from BM, SD spent a couple weeks with BM this summer and came back to us full time A COMPLETE MESS! Everything we taught her over 3 yrs was in VAIN because she figured over the short summer with BM that life should be a permanent fucking vacation! She suddenly decided that we are assholes with (god forbid) rules and boundaries, while BM is all fun and games, even though we do fun & games with SD all the time!
See, BM set up the expectation that DH and I are not treating her life like a constant party with ice cream & carnivals every day. I'm sure BM was only trying to "spend every moment with SD" and I'm sure BM felt the need to give the vacation idea to SD since BM doesn't see SD every day like we do...But, I'm telling you, IT'S NOT GOOD FOR THE KID if the NCP treats visits like a vacation, so when visitations are over, the CPs are the bad guys because they are charged with responsibility of enforcing homework, chores, rules...you know, all those skills needed in REAL life!
It's all so frustrating!
No, I do not think it should
No, I do not think it should be a nonstop party.
I just don't think that spending time with a child spoils it.
It's like the fools that say holding a baby too much will spoil it. It's called parenting!
Point missed completely...
Point missed completely...
I agree with him having a one
I agree with him having a one on one with sd every now n then but like someone mentioned once the NCP is re married n has kids he needs to include everyone, when my sd is here she shows off to my younger kids what she has n then acts like a victim infront of my dh n my kids have told me "we dont want her to come anymore cause daddy only listens to her" that is were I draw the line.. That does not mean I dont want dh to spend alone time with his daughtet that means u have other kids n treat them ewualy like I said b4 the fact that my lids do live with their dad does not mean he dedicates more time to tgem than her!!
Ahhh!! Again sorry for miss
Ahhh!! Again sorry for miss spelled words..stupid phone wont let me go back n correct..
im not saying she doesnt
im not saying she doesnt deserve one on one, im all for that I dont mind at all.. All I ask isvthat he is fair u think that because he lives with our kids they get one on one? Please he barely aknowledge them if u sat dwn n obsserved the time spent with our children it would b the same or less.. You dont think thats sad n unfair my kids are not at fault, u have more kids u love them all the same especialy when the kids at hm notice the prefrence..but somehow everyone seems to always b onn the other kid side..so what cause they dont live with daddy ur gonna treat them like kings n queens even though they dont deserve it? So when their older if they break the law its ok cause u didnt grow up with both parents living in same hm? No u still discipline..
I don't think anyone is
I don't think anyone is saying they don't deserve one on one time at all. In my situation, our bios NEVER get one on one time because my DH says they leave here fulltime. And the times when my SD is not here he is working more, playing golf, and doing household chores. Then we she is here he is totally focused on her. So while, yes, our bios do get him but never fully. There just needs to be more balance.
I guess it depends on what
I guess it depends on what you mean by special treatment. Are we talking about rules in the home? Are we talking about activities? I agree with most people that when you only get a child for a short time, then yes, there needs to be one on one time. There may also need to be a relaxation, somewhat, of the rules...depending on their home life with CP because honestly, kids are kids and what they are used to in one home is how they will conduct themselves in the home they go to for their shorter visits. But, if your Dh wants to relax the rules for SD, the rules should be relaxed for all kids. This applies, in my mind, to rules that aren't there for safety as much as rules that are there for routine. Rules that are in place to keep everyone safe should be non-negotiable, but if the rule of the house, for example, is you have ten minutes to pick up all your toys or you get a time out, it might be time to decide how important that rule is and whether or not it can be broken EOW.
But, the reality is, if the punishment is not the same for all kids with that rule then the kids are always going to feel like someone is being favored. On the other hand, show me a group of siblings that don't have, "but that's not fair," as ready of ammunition when a sibling gets something, because I want to meet those kids and find out their list of medications. It comes down to the value setting, what is your value in this case? Is it fairness across the board? Is it more valuable to you to have some peace and continuity in your home? Are you able to be flexible with certain rules because SD is there? Understand if your home follows on a certain set of rules that SD never encounters at BM's house, four days a month isn't going to cut it and she will likely never follow them as well as the home kids do.
She is 13 my kids under 7 she
She is 13 my kids under 7 she has plenty of rules at hm, here I just ask that she follows my kids rules.. Pick up after ur self bed time..things like that, now y am I saying special treatment my dh will get hm fr work super tired n if my kids are trting to spend time with him even by sitting nxt to him n watch his shows he will say "go away I wanna relax" now you dont think thats harsh? If my son trys to hug him he will kinda hug n say "ok there go" but yet if she happens to b here on a weekday who cares if he is tired screw my sports but yet will prefer orts over my kids.. N if she hugs him "ooh my daughter hugs me" if my son wants to play his video games, 10 min into playing "stop playing u have been playing all day, if I say no he has not n he is done with hw he will say "oh well my rules, kids dont get what they want when they want it" but yet his daughter can do as she pleases? Im sorry but that aint right, you are hurting ur kids by trying to make up, again they are not at fault n this unfairness needs to change b4 he starts making up time to my kids as well..
I don't think there should be
I don't think there should be any special treatment. PERIOD!
The visiting child should be treated and follow the rules of the household as if they were living there full time. To do anything less is giving that child a false idea of what your household is like. A lo and behold, if a time comes they live there full time....watch out!
My point ecxactly! Dh wants
My point ecxactly! Dh wants sd to feel like shes at a friends house n its all play, he n she neef to understand that he is her parent as well n parents have rules its not all fun n games wether u live here full time ir just part time..