Ss wants tattoos.
That might have sounded bad. But it is not as bad as it sounds. I feel he might have a legitimate reason. When he was 9, Bm's pedophile husband burned two disgusting, vulgar words on Ss's back. These are just two of the many physical scars Ss will have to carry with him the rest of his life. The burn scars were made using a wire hangar. We tried a laser treatment that was very expensive but barely faded out the scars. It is still very clear. We tried numerous creams. We consulted a dermatologist but he said they would probably not fade. This was one of the reasons we had to get special permission to get Ss out of gym in school.
Last afternoon Ss asked my Dh if he could get tattoos to cover it up. He asked last year too. But my Dh said no way. He still feels the same way about it. But of course when Ss started tearing up and said he could not look at them anymore, my Dh told him he would think about it. Now, I am against tattoos in any form for people below the age of 25. I feel mistakes are made at that age and they will end up regretting it. And I do not want my own children to think it is ok to get tattoos at barely 14 years old. He will turn 14 in a month.
But if those scars are really aking him that upset I think we should give it a fair chance. The scars themselves are 3-4 inches long and 5-6 inches long respectively. And they are 1 inch wide. The words they spell out are absolutely filthy and I understand why Ss is upset with having them. You might be wondering how we never knew about them when he would visit us. But Ss never, ever took his shirt off in front of us. We feel terrible but we had no idea at al that he was being abused.
My Dh asked what I think about it. I said we should spend a good amount of time and think it over. Also, I told my Dh that IF we do agree, the design must be approved by us. I have been looking online and I do not know. Tattoos on a 14 year old? It is against everything I believe in. But it hurts us to see Ss so upset by it. We also want to hear from the therapist. And now I feel angry again because it is just so unfair. I feel like all those therapy session I go to help with my anger and resentment are wasted everytime Ss brings up a new issue.
I should add, Ss will be starting high school this year. We want him to go with at least tiny bit of confidence. And if the tattoos will help, we seriously consider it.
I would appreciate any input from you guys. Should we get him the tattoos?
And the dog is still not here. Ss refused to go the shelter yesterday. He is still a bit cautious from the last visit. Hopefully this Friday, when I have a day off, is when we will go get one.
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I think you need to call a
I think you need to call a tattoo shop, explain what the scars are and see IF the ink will be able to cover the scars up.
Additionally I think you will find the tattoo artist will likely do any cover up for free, or at a highly discounted price once they find out what they are covering up.
Though I am not entirely
Though I am not entirely against tattoos, I also do take issue with putting a permanent mark on their body. However, in this case, your SS already has tattoos of sorts on his body that were put there without his permission. I can absolutely understand his reasons for wanting to cover them up.
I would really put thought into what he gets. Let him help pick a design. Are the scars close enough together where one tattoo would cover them both, or would it be 2 separate designs?
Maybe he could pick a symbol that means strength or courage or something like that. Something that defines part of who he is deep inside. He is a fighter. He is a survivor. Maybe something that reminds him of the strength he has inside himself to have been able to rise above what's been done to him & move forward. He will have them to look at for the rest of his life. I think personally I would lean toward something encouraging rather than something hard...like with barbed wire or something.
Does he have ideas for what he would like to get?
I've been thinking about you & wondering if you made it to the shelter this weekend. I'm glad you updated.
To add, having a tattoo
To add, having a tattoo myself, I recommend you visit several shops & look at the work that the different artists do to ensure your SS gets quality work. There are a number of people who call themselves tattoo artists who misspell words, etc. Often times, their work isn't something I'd even hang on my refrigerator. It'll be permanent, so be sure to find someone who is experienced & can give your SS quality.
I think I would let him get
I think I would let him get the tattoos. I don't blame him at all for wanting to cover up his scars. This time HE gets to choose. I don't know much about tattoos...will his growing body make them change? Do you need to consider that when choosing a design? That poor kid can never erase what was done to him. Maybe he can turn it into something positive.
Right now, I am leaning
Right now, I am leaning towards letting him get the tattoos while my Dh is against it. It would end up being two separate small tattoos. Like stormabruin suggested, it would be nice if the tattoos had meaning but we will let Ss pick if we let him get them. As long as they are not vulgar. We will guide him though. I heard there are books that help you pick tattoos. And we will go to a good tattoo artist for sure. There is famous one where we live that everyone says is the best. And I have to look up if tattos can go over scars like someone mentioned. And I am not sure if growing bodies affect. That is another problem now. I am also looking for alternative treatments to scars. Anyone know any?
There are hundreds of tattoo
There are hundreds of tattoo magazines that he could get ideas from. I got ideas for mine, but wanted mine to be something that no one else has, so I incorporated my own ideas with some that I'd seen in a magazine & that makes mine personal to me.
For mine, the design, the colors, the small details that others may or may not notice...all of it has significance to me & my life experiences & makes it something I have no regrets over.
Maybe he could get ideas from a book or magazine & tweak it with his own details or flair to make them more personal to him.
I can tell you that mine was done over a scar. The color is a little bit lighter in the scarred areas, but with the colors & shading in the overall design, it isn't something that others notice. I see it because I know it's there.
Definitely talk to the artist about whether or not the growth that is yet to come will alter the appearance. Of course, if we grew the same amount in every direction it'd probaby just get bigger, but being he'll likely grow taller than wider, you don't want a circle to become an oblong pear or something.
I'm interested to know what his therapist recommends with it.
Thanks allmitchell. I think
Thanks allmitchell. I think he is an exception in this case. and I hope the dog works out. It was a great idea by the way.
He will not be coming back
He will not be coming back out for a long long time. Sorry, I do not want to risk being traced back to Ss, although his name and the abuser's name was kept hidden. I cant give out details.
I'd allow the tattoos....that
I'd allow the tattoos....that said...sorry but something doesn't sound right to me with this whole story. Maybe I've just been around long enough.
I have...everything seems so
I have...everything seems so over the top....next thing we will hear about devastated sobbing uncontrollably parents...This just doesn't sit well with me, sorry.
I am all for the tattoo in
I am all for the tattoo in this case. It will give him confidence. I agree it needs to be well-thought out and have some sort of symbolic meaning. Maybe he can figure something out with his counselor's help, too. Maybe you can ask him to write like a diary entry about what a certain symbol means to him and why it's so important to him to cover up those words.
My heart breaks for him and what he's been through. There are some SICK people out there.
I am also concerned though that a tattoo would cover it up. Definitely consult a reputable artist and possibly a dermatologist.
Call me crazy....but I'm
Call me crazy....but I'm having the admins take a further look. All this jumped out at me-just sounds so familiar except some of the details are more depraved now.
"""When Ss was 7, I married my Dh. We had been dating for only 8 months but we felt we were made for each other. Dh had been divorced from Bm for a year by then. Ss was his only son, and I had a daughter.
Ss used to get all A's before all ths happened. He wanted to go to Harvard. It makes me tear up when I think about it. Now he gets Ds and Cs. He has no friends and refuses to interact with anyone.
He has said that everything that has happened was because my Dh divorced Bm. And I think my Dh believes it. He has a lot of guilt.
Last year, when he was 13, he told us he thinks he is gay. We told him we accepted him as long as he was happy. But behind closed doors my Dh was devastated. He cried in my arms. He keeps thinking about all the "What ifs?". Then we found out that Ss was chatting with a older man on the internet and it got very serious. We got the police involved.
A few months after that, he tried to kill himself. But we found him in time. They put him on suicide watch for a whole week. It was incredibly hard for us. But now he is on anti-depressants. The new problem is that he cannot function without these drugs
I hope I have not made you too depresed. Writing all this made me cry again.
We have changed therapists 3 times. This one seems to upset my Ss the least.
And then he lashes out at us. He barely talks to us at all and refuses to eat with us. My Dh will sometimes eat with Ss in his room. He has regular night terrors. It used to be very bad with him having violent sobbing fits. Now its just him crying and moaning gently. My Dh then wakes up and holds his hand until he calms down.
There was a art therapy program that we put him in but after 2 sessions he was crying to leave. The therapist said it was not for him. So they let him go. We have tried everything that was available"""
Just far fetched and familiar is all. Timing is a crazy thing also. At least there is capitalizing.
I do care, about this board
I do care, about this board and it's members.
Lucy-sorry but you have the
Lucy-sorry but you have the wrong vibe. Been here long enough to feel uncomfortable with certain things. Hey-if there's nothing wrong, no harm done huh? Maybe her and butter could meet and help eachother out-they both seem to have incredibly tragic stories that morph bigger and more devastating and sad and tragic by the blog. I'm sure they could both use the support.
Well hey there stranger...i
Well hey there stranger...i have no idea who renee is or ss...calling yourself out dear? The others... rabbit trail.
What a coincidence to see you around today.
WOW, just WOW....you know I
WOW, just WOW....you know I was here over a year ago and left for this very thing. Been having some pretty bad feelings about everything lately and no place to vent again.
Decided to give it a try - I guess some things never change. If you don't agree, believe, or even like someone's post - then don't respond. Hijacking someone's blog to do this - is not productive for anyone on here.
There is enough drama in life when you are a parent and/or step parent. We come here to vent so we don't take it out on the one's who can't see or help their behaviors. GEESH - thought enough time had past that this went back to the way it was before.
Ok-I'm gonna confess I too
Ok-I'm gonna confess I too felt that something did not ring true in this story-but refrained from commenting on it in the thought that it could actually be true.
For me what didnt ring true-is that this child sounds gravely disabled-he wont eat with his parents, he violently sobs or moans all night, has no friends, seemingly cant be around people or go to any sort of activities-if he is truly this nonfunctional then he needs to be in residential care. If he's had all these therapists and has attended school-surely this has been brought to the attention of professionals and someone would have placed him in residential treatment by now. How does he manage school? If he has break downs in places like an art therapy class then surely he would be having these at school as well?
They put him on suicide watch? Who put him on suicide watch? What does that mean exactly? Was he hospitalized? And what does it mean that he cant function without antidepressants? How exactly is he functioning now? And how did the poster know he cant function without the antidepressants? Did they take him off of them and see him become even less functional?
Please dont flame me and call me a bitchy person. I am not typically bitchy-but something just seemed false to me. You also have to understand that I hear ALOT of trauma stories and have for many, many years and typically I do not think they sound false-it's not my norm to think this way. Just someting a little off.
To the op-if your story is genuine-then my sincerest apologies. My post is just my thoughts and are not meant to be offensive in anyway.
NCmom-I am going to take your
NCmom-I am going to take your word for it and assume perhaps you work in some state that has differnt laws than mine. In my state noone can detain anyone for more than 72 hours without a court order. Two weeks is an incredible amount of time to hold someone against their will. I detain people on a regular basis as I provide emergency psychiatric services in a 2 county area. I was trying to inquire whether the op knew what a suicide watch and if she was trying to say that he was hospitalized or if someone just told her to literally "watch" him and keep an eye on him. Also in my state we cannot detain children at all-it is the right of the guardian to sign a child in and out of treatment and I thought all states had similar laws.
Also in my state he would be a perfect candidate for residential-in terms of a treatment program lasting 3-9 months. If he has had 3 different outpatient therapists and possibly at least one hospitalization, a suicide attempt, and he is essentially unwilling to interact with others including family, and either crying or moaning all night long-then evidently outpatient treamtent which I am assuming includes group and indivdual therapy is NOT cutting it for this kid.
^^This^^ Agreed..too much
^^This^^
Agreed..too much about this does not make sense to me. If this kid is as despondant and low functioning as the OP claims and for such a lengthy period of time, why has he not been put into some type of residential or in-patient pysch setting??
I would strongly suggest researching in patient treatment facilities in your area before going to the dog pound, tattoo parlor, or karate school.
I have tried to stay out of
I have tried to stay out of this because I am not sure if this is something that happens often on this board. But when I am being told that we are not doing things correctly, it really hurts me. Some of the people here are making assumptions and trying to say what I wrote is not true even though they do not know which state I am in and what laws we have in place. Ss is far from despondent. He is able to go to school and have normal interactions as best he can. He does have meltdowns at home but he never does it in public except for a few situations. Every mental health practioner we have met, which includes therapists and psychiatrists, have never suggested in-patient resident care. They have always said he should stay with us. And trust me, we have researched every treatment option. You are not the only who cares about Ss. Maybe you find it hard to believe but we do love him and want to help him. To answer someone's question, the suicide watch lasted a whole week and it involved doctors and nurses. Not me "watching" him at home. I think it is very unfair that I am being ridiculed for trying alternative ways to help Ss. By helping him, our whole family will be better so I am going exhaust every option out there. It is very hard feeling helpless like we do. Other posters have told me to ignore posts like these. But I feel like I have to say something. I am sorry if this offended anyone.
I have 7 tattoos - and I hope
I have 7 tattoos - and I hope you stress to your SS how PAINFUL they are
Seriously, has anyone thought about how this may not be conducive to helping SS get past this PAIN that was inflicted on him by this pedophile or whatever he was? Also, maybe I am a dumb ass, but how will a tattoo cover up burn scars? Wouldn't the tattoos on a 14 year old just draw attention to the scars?? This makes no sense and I don't see how this will "help" SS.
I am for the tatoo as well.
I am for the tatoo as well. Everytime you post a new detail that happened my heart breaks all over again for this poor kid. Try to talk your husband into letting him have the tatoo. Is your DH in therapy as well? I hope so.
I tend to be against tattoos
I tend to be against tattoos on young people because they are permanent. That said, SD18 and SS22 both have them.
The thing is, SS already HAS permanent marks on his body.
I hope you can get your DH to agree.
Maybe SS can find something that symbolizes empowerment, not being a victim, strength...something he can be proud of.
(Of course, a tattoo that says "back the fuck off" wouldnt' be so bad, either!)
In this case I'd let him get
In this case I'd let him get the tattoos. It might bring a smile to his face everytime he looks at them and sees something that HE had control over. Good luck, let us know how it goes.
I'm not generally a big fan
I'm not generally a big fan of tattoos, but if ever there was a reason to get one, this would be the reason. He can't undo the scars, but he can at least change them to something meaningful. I'm sure you and DH will need to be a big part of this process, in part because I imagine no reputable tattoo shop would allow a 14 yr. to get a tattoo without the parents there explaining the special circumstances. I agree with most of the above posters. Get ss to research something that means something to him (something positive), make sure you get a good artist and one that understands how important this particular tattoo is to ss, and double check on how the scars will handle the ink.
I still really like the dog idea and make sure you try my idea about the dog treats or beef jerky!
Please continue to post and ignore the other crap.
praying: I am a tattoo
praying:
I am a tattoo artist. I work in a professional shop.
In most states it is illegal to tattoo a minor- but the very day he hits 18, you should let him have at it. Let him start thinking about the design now- about subject matter, and about how to reclaim that part of his body.
I do a lot of work for people who have scars and injuries that are humiliating or upsetting to them, many of these are on teens 18/19 years old. Many of them spent years thinking about the artwork, planning their work. It is one of the ways I feel like my work can really make a difference for people-
giving him the "once-you're18-we'll-pay-for-it" speech, and giving him the freedom to think about it as a goal, might help him some.
Give him back some control over his body.
You know? But yeah, not at fourteen. Not even with a doctor's note. In 49 out of 50 states, any reputable artist could lose their license for it. And you most definitely want him to go to someone reputable, someone professional, caring, and good artistically. He will not want to have a badly done tattoo- he will want something he can be proud of, instead of something that embarrasses him.
If you have any tech questions or anything feel free to pm me.
*(I've been professionally tattooing for 16 years, I'm licensed in four states. And yes, I have covered many scars, even serious ones. It simply takes planning and experience, and a strategy that is specific to the texture of the skin and scars.)
Praying, you said you
Praying, you said you consulted with a dermatologist, but have you consulted with a plastic surgeon? You might not be able to totally remove the scars, but maybe you can change what they look like. That wouldn't be as humiliating for SS.