Influence and Parental Time
Hi all, DH was talking the other day that he hopes his influence on SS9 will help him become a productive, grateful, non-entitled person to help counteract the spoiling and non-parenting that BM does. It got me thinking about how possible that will be, since DH has less than 20% time with SS since we are long distance (out of state). I was encouraging and positive about it when he was talking about it, because I didn't want to be a negative Nancy. I think that probably SS will be more like BM than like DH due to sheer parenting time difference, but I wanted to see what others' experiences have been when dad has EOW or long distance. Have the skids turned out ok? Have they turned out to be entitled, nasty young adults or has dad's influence done some good in that arena? I think if it's 50-50 that dad has a better chance of influencing skids, but I don't know.
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I have no direct experience
I have no direct experience (SO has 50/50 and kids are young), but I think a lot depends on the child. There are plenty of kids who are raised in the most horrible of situations who turn out to be responsible, contributing, moral adults, and there are kids raised by excellent parents who are, to quote Rags, a waste of skin. I certainly think it's worth putting in the effort to help him become a good person; it might take more effort while he's in your company than it otherwise might. Good luck!
Usually the "Custodial" BM
will have a MUCH greater influence over the kid than non-CP dad. And that could be good or bad. In my case with my bios GOOD. With HCBMs, BAD!
Yeah, IMO no. But there's no
Yeah, IMO no. But there's no telling. I've raised my boys the same, only 1.5 years apart and one is nothing but trouble, the other a great kid. But for Sd, she turned just like BM- by 9 the imprint is there IMO.
So nothing
you and DH would do could help your SD?
It's not that he's a bad kid
He's just very materially spoiled and expects to be the center of attention everywhere since he is at his mother's. Inlaws treat him like a prince too. He often seems perturbed when DH has to do something with/for DS14months or when DH and I are having an adult conversation without including or focusing on him. He comes off as needing attention constantly, whether bad or good. DH does his best to redirect poor/inappropriate behavior, but I don't know if it's just a temporary salve when he's here. According to DH, he runs the show at his mother's house and doesn't like it when he can't do it here.
Every little bit of positive
Every little bit of positive influence helps. At least he'll be aware that there are situations where he is NOT the center of attention.
Apple doesnt fall far from
Apple doesnt fall far from the tree.
You cant produce a good crop with bad seed and you cant produce a bad crop with good seed. GOOD SEED good crop, bad seed bad crop.
IF child has Grandparents that do not enable mom, IF child has good aunts and uncles that are not like BM, then maybe the out come will be better. BUT if everyone around the child is alike ONE BIG MESS...then expect the same, until he removes himself by court or by growing up.
BM has parents
who also spoil SS9. BM is an only child so no uncles or aunts on her side. DH’s family plays into the whole poor COD thing and spoil SS and don’t correct his poor behavior when they have the opportunity. Luckily, they live out of state too, so they don’t see SS very often at all. BM and SS have a weird codependent relationship that doesn’t seem normal. She coddles him, doesn’t discipline when needed and treats him like the center of the universe. This is why he gets upset and doesn’t enjoy his time when he’s here because time doesn’t consist of constant entertainment and going out to eat.
My DH finally won 50/50 when
My DH finally won 50/50 when the skids were 12 and 14. But by then it was too late.
That’s
too bad! How old are they now?
They are 16 and almost 18.
They are 16 and almost 18. The eldest has failed everything ever, will not graduate and is looking at assault charges. The youngest is failing everything ever and will most likely end up pregnant before she fails to graduate. Both completely PAS out 1.5 years ago and stopped coming on DH's weeks.
It can happen
Miracles do happen.
DH has EOWe. The SDs NEVER visited (SD24 is DH's step). They are becoming mini BioHos and practically worship her moneygrubbing ways.
The boys LOATHE 'Ho and her craziness. SS18 joined the army at 17 to get away from her. He has turned into a fine young man.
PigPen has DH's work ethic. No job is too difficult or dirty and he's always willing to help. DH is currently convincing PP to stay in HS and get a diploma (PP wants to drop out and move out of the 'Ho House).
So. The girls were a lost cause but the boys gave definitely benefited from an EOWe Dad.
That’s encouraging
to hear, Aniki! I want SS to succeed and get a good job so he doesn’t end up trying to live in our basement “finding himself” when he’s 20.