Walking Contradiction
During visitation days I am bombarded with emails warning me to stay away from her son, but when she needs to know if he's taken his medicine, had anything to eat, when he's coming home, etc. who does she ask? Me. She tells me that she hates me and wants me out of her and her son's life forever, yet she emails me constantly when I have no contact with her whatsoever. A few months ago she told me that she wouldn't do something because it would cause problems between me and my BF, yet any other day our relationship harmony doesn't seem to bear much weight on her mind. She says she's never been happier than since he left her and that she'd never take him back, but she asks him several times if they can start over with a clean slate, even while we've been together. She tells me that she's trying to "keep me out of their problems", yet she calls my work and tries to get me fired. She wishes that everyone would "mind their own business" and "stop discussing her and her son", yet she's the one that tracks down all of my friends' journals and blogs and posts messages on them about the situation. She starts arguments with my friends and insults them, then comes running to BF to tell him that he needs to tell his friends not to call her names or discuss her and the situation. She constantly hounds me about having a private online journal and asks me what I have to hide, yet she herself has a private journal.
Sometimes the contradictions just make my head spin!
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NYMH
She is getting to you.. First of all she has no right to tell you to stay out of her sons life.. Last I knew it took two people to create a human life.. Secondly its none of her business what or who you talk to.. And as far as her not wanting people to talk about her then why doesn't she act like a normal human being.. If she would grow up herself she would not have all that drama, personally she brings it all on herself.. She is thriving on the attention..
I would have to explode on her and then very nicely tell her you have nothing to say to her at all. You are not abusive or neglectful to her son so she does not have a leg to stand on.. Also keep all the stupid emails and crap she sends to you just in case she tries somehting.. You could I think get her for harrassment.. Which in this case I think I would start to ponder that thought.. she is wacked.. If she was happy with her own life she would leave you and yours alone.. BUt she is jealous of you because he does not want her he wants you.. So I say SCREW HER.. If she wasn't so consumed with you two she might actually find someone to fulfill her life.. But not the rate she is going.. There I think I have said it all..
Harrassment
Yes, you can get her for harrassment. The emails she sends you are enough evidence to get a restraining order against her. Does your state have a stalking law? I am speaking from experience here and there are ways you can protect yourself from her verbal and emotional abuse. If your state has a stalking law, you have to show "proof" that you have informed her that you do not want emails or anything else from her. Once you do that and she keeps it up, nail her ass! Seriously. Also send her a letter registered mail with a return reciept requested.....she has to sign for it. That is again proof that you have told her not to contact/bother you. It's the only way to stop someone who is out of control like she is. Sometimes there is no other way than to pursue things legally. A restraining order usually does the trick.
Good Luck
You could try for some kind
You could try for some kind of restraining order to prevent her from communicating directly with you, but there could be backlash in that she could get one to keep you away from the child and that would REALLY screw up visitation.
When I was in this situation, I told the ex that I was here to stay, not going anywhere and, as the children's stepmother, would indeed be a part of their lives for the rest of their lives. I told her that I had no interest in trying to usurp her role as their mother, but that I intended to be the best stepmother I could be and would always act in the kids' best interest. I told her that I wanted to have a cordial relationship with her, but that if she did not treat me with respect, then I simply refused to deal with her at all. I told her that I would no longer communicate directly with her, that she would have to deal with their father, which is how I think it should be, anyway. (Hey, he made the mistake of marrying her and reproducing with her, why should I volunteer to be a target for her insanity?!)
I changed our phone number so that she could only contact us through his cell phone and I blocked her email address so that she couldn't send us emails. (He set up a separate email account and gave her that email address instead.) Because she kept harassing him at work, it was put into the CP/Visitation order that they would not contact each other at work or through third parties, but through home phone and home email. It worked for me.
Enough time has gone by since then that she does now have our home email address (but not our phone number) and if she sends a nice email, then I will reply back cordially. If she sends a nasty one, then I save it and reply back with a supposedly automated message that tells her that her email was rejected due to content (profanity, whatever) and was deleted without being read. Now, it's not really an automated message. I just type up something that sounds like an automated message and send it so that she will think it was rejected by the server and never appeared on our computer screen. She's pretty stupid and not that computer savvy, so she doesn't know any better. Let me tell you, we don't get so many ugly emails anymore!
~ Anne ~
i agree w/sheila's
i agree w/sheila's comment...it's harrassment...i would put a restraning order against her and use your emails as proof and call logs you document. email her back and tell her to never email you again or even call you at work, if she continues report her to the police. that's crazy! i would be screaming at her for bugging me everywhere i go.
-happy mom
i agree w/sheila's
i agree w/sheila's comment...it's harrassment...i would put a restraning order against her and use your emails as proof and call logs you document. email her back and tell her to never email you again or even call you at work, if she continues report her to the police. that's crazy! i would be screaming at her for bugging me everywhere i go.
-happy mom
RE:
I've talked to lawyers, the judge's office, and the sherriff about getting a restraining order. They all gave me the impression that I was probably not going to get any serious reaction from the law in my county due to A) She's a woman stalking a woman, which is hard for them to take seriously;
I don't have any pictures and I never kept a running log of the things that she's done. According to the lawyer, a lot of times emails aren't good enough and I can print off every single one that I have but they probably won't convict her on emails alone. I did keep a log from 1.1.06 to 4.6.06, but I'm afraid that won't be good enough.
In a way I kind of feel like if I was going to get a restraining order, I should have done it a long time ago when she was at the peak of her stalking/harrassment. Now that it's kind of died down (pray that it stays this way!) I think it would just be adding insult to injury for her and would have more of a negative effect than positive. Does anyone have a different idea?
Like I've said before, her emails to me really have died down a lot in the past few weeks, but she still emails me from time to time trying to entice me into an argument. I used to respond to them, which of course just fed into her little game. Ignoring them has really had a positive effect (for me anyway).
If you guys have any more advice or suggestions, especially on the restraining order, I'd be glad to hear it.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I realize that communication
I realize that communication is mainly via e-mail...but what about voice mail.....does she ever leave messages? That would make good evidence.
One of my ex's favourite tactics is to the stir the pot via telephone....and I choose to communicate via e-mail...so he likes to "bait me" verbally then let me respond in writing........
Maybe you could stir her up and let "nature take its course" and get the documentation you need to end the harrassment once and for all.
I'm evil......
PS
I was unsuccessful in trying to get a restraining order against hubby's X. Harrassing phone calls, she would call me...call me a series of name...laugh & giggle like the wacko she is...then hang up in my ear....I registered them with the phone company...but apparently there was a statute of limitations of 6 months to act on them and I didn't in time so I lost that evidence. The showing up at our new house, keying my car.....I had no "witnesses"....."screaming at me at the grocery store"......
She never threatened me with phsyical violence...so after humming & hawwing the judge decided to let it go...with a serious repremand and warning to her ..that the record of these precedings will come back on her if this behaviour doesn't stop. The baliff advised me to file notice to her under the protection of protect act....which I did. She never came back..she never called me again
RE:
One piece of advice that I did receive, that I have not yet actually followed through with, was to go ahead and file the evidence that I have with the police department. That way, they have it on file already. I don't have to file a complaint or try to press charges, just bring it all up there and ask them to tuck it away for evidence in case I need it later. I really should do that. It would take forever to print off all the emails she's sent me though...There are probably thousands...
Unfortunately a lot of the "best" emails that she's sent I've actually lost somehow in switching computers. I almost cried the day that I went looking for them and couldn't find them. All of the emails from the first few months of my relationship with BF are gone. I don't have any recorded voice mails from her - I had tons on my old phone but lost them all when they overhauled the voice messaging system. Now BM doesn't have my phone number because I've changed it so I don't have any sort of verbal communication with her.
How would I stir her up? I don't think she'd need stirring, she's pretty whacko on a daily basis naturally, but I'd like to know where you're going with that.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Nymh......
Regarding the restraining order....see if your state has an anti-stalking law. What you are experiencing is exactly what that law was designed to deal with. Call your local womans shelter and ask if your state has such a law. you don't have to identify yourself, i am suggesting calling there because if anybody would know, a shelter should. Police, lawyers, judges all tell you the same thing, they try to discourage you. I don't know why. Trust me, I AM speaking from experience and know the system very well. Print out ALL the emails and keep a journal/log of each one...date and time...and do the same with the phone calls. It leaves a paper trail and shows repetition should you ever need to use it. It sounds trivial and it is a pain in the ass, but it is the only way. you should be able to file for a restraining order yourself, if you decide to do so. Ask your local PD or sheriffs office to serve her. After she is served, she has the right to go before a judge and fight it, but you can still do that by yourself. You don't need an attorney....just document document document, and bring that with you. Some people will fight a restraining order so it does not show up in the system should they have even a basic traffic violation, but most just accept it and pout! lmao
This is all your choice. I am not trying to tell you what to do, just giving you some options and letting you know what to expect. It sucks that anyone of us should have to go through all of that crap, but sometimes there is no other way. Even though her contact has died down a bit, it probably won't stop without some prompting.
Don't let law enforcement give you the run around. Insist that they at least pay her a visit or call her into the station to question her. It's their job. They don't like to do it because to them it's all petty, but to someone dealing with it, it is NOT petty...it is crazy making. Definitely file a complaint so it is on file. I believe you mentioned that was previously suggested to you...excellent idea. And while you are there, ask them to call her in on the carpet. Sometimes all it takes is a good talking to. Good Luck
RE:
Will starting documentation now even help at all when I've only kept up with a log for four months out of the past few years that I've been dealing with this? I'm a little afraid that since I didn't start keeping a log until now, it will not be enough.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Now is enough
this type of behavior does not just go awa- in no time you will have more than enough examples. You just have to be anal about documenting, even when it seems stupid. I too keep a log. When I upgraded computers I had to sit down and remember all the b.s.--you would be surprised how much you will be able to recall, when you do, update your documentation. I use the calendar in XP. In there you can place the event on the calendar and then type away.. You can also save copies of emails and attach it to the calendar event. Some times I feel like I am writing a police report, most often it's like writing a psych evaluation...LOL
Intelligence is leverage and it's better to be on the offense than defense.
yes it will be enough
four months is still a long time....four DAYS is too long to have to put up with that crap. If you decide to go with an "anti stalking" restraining order, you have to show proof that you have asked her to stop. Email her, registered letter, however you decide to do it, but have a copy of it. The anti stalking law makes it easier for someone in your position to pursue this. It is designed to stop any unwanted contact.
RE:
I have multiple emails in which I have asked her to stop. Perhaps I'll send her a registered letter in the mail just to drive the point home. What should it say?
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Why not...
...just block her email address? If most of the problem is coming from unwanted emails, then just set up your computer to automatically delete anything that comes from her. You can even set it up to delete her emails and send her a note saying that they were deleted unread and that her email is being blocked. For calling you at work, is there any way you can get your work number changed to a different extension? Or does she call a main line and ask someone else to be transferred to you? Ask them not to transfer her calls or just hang up as soon as you know it is her. The most effective method for getting this to stop for me was to just eliminate the different ways she had of contacting me. As soon as she realized that I would not communicate with her, my problem stopped. You can file police reports and restraining orders if you really do feel threatened and fearful, but I would do that as a last resort. Before I did that, I think I would try getting a lawyer to file a motion for an order to cease and desist. A registered letter would be good for an official starting point... tell her not to contact you at work or by email, give one number and/or one email address that she is to use to get in touch with HIM, tell her that she is to deal with him and only him from now on and then tell her that you consider her behavior to be harrassing in nature and that if she does not stop, you will contact the authorities and file a complaint. The letter probably won't stop the action from her, but it is good for protecting you, because a registered letter shows proof that you have asked her to stop. What will ultimately stop the action from her is taking away her audience, and that means eliminating the different ways she has of reaching you personally.
~ Anne ~
RE:
She doesn't contact me at work, she called my work to speak to my administrator and accused me of doing things that would result in my termination and possible incarceration if they were true.
And as for the emails, I don't want to delete any of them because they're all evidence. Right now I have it set up to where they're forwarded to a dummy email account that I only check every few days, and deleted off of my main account so I don't have to look at them. As far as she's concerned the emails are never read. - she always requests read-receipts when she sends an email and since they're deleted off of my main account without being opened, to her it looks like they're never being read. If you had been in my shoes for the past few years you would understand my need to hoard evidence. This woman is not just your typical jealous ex-wife. She's been stalking me for years. Seriously...I'm not just saying that for pity or sympathy, this woman is nuts.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Can you get an affidavit
Can you get an affidavit from your administrator documenting this? Even if you don't use it....right now...or ever. Get it before you leave your job or your administrator leaves and that evidence is lost too.
As far as "baiting" her....it probably wouldn't take much...but you would be a better judge of that since your the one who has deals with her... It might be as simple as warning her to stop..depending on how she's reacted to that in the past. Or maybe bringing up something she's done or questioning her motives. What's set her off in the past? Don't provoke her too much...you don't want that either.
The X set me off....by telling me "not to go there" when I asked what he trying to prove by taking our son on vacation and not telling me...it was supposed to be a regular weekend..he had no clothes..etc (I wrote about that a while back) I was ripping!!!
He's also made stupid accusations that I won't sign off on HIS separation "wish list" because I still want him. pppppaaaalease!!!! That made me laugh more than it pissed me off...... (my lawyer freind too)
But you get the idea....... you may have plenty of evidence already!