Has anyone else had the "throwing away the soiled underwear" fight?
A couple of weekends ago, SS, BF and I were out walking in the woods, when all of a sudden SS got really sick to his stomach. He passed a little gas and thought he was fine. But then all of a sudden he was hiding behind a tree ashamed - you can guess what happened. So we rushed him to a bathroom and BF got him out of his soiled clothes while I ran to the car to get his bag of clean clothes. BF did what I thought anyone would do - he threw the soiled underwear away.
Well HOW DARE HIM! We got an email from BM:
I don’t appreciate your throwing SS’s soiled clothing away today just because you didn’t want to bother with them. Maybe you don’t have to worry about money issues and how to make ends meet since others pay your way but that’s not the case here. His clothes cost me money and your throwing them in the trash was uncalled for! I think reimbursement is in order but you can’t pay for anything you are court ordered to so why should I expect you to pay for soiled clothing.
Has anyone else had this argument? I can't believe she's making such a big deal out of ONE pair of underwear! This is the same woman who pitched a fit when she found out that we bought a bag of socks for SS to keep here. How DARE we buy him clothes to keep here! She told us we were "putting SS in the middle of our childish rivalry with her" and compared it to buying him Christmas presents that he could only play with at our house (which we've never done). I told BF we should just keep a bunch of underwear here that STAYS here so that he can wear them when he's here, so if we have to throw them away she can't say anything. Also, SS tells us that she's trying to convince him that we were MAD at him for messing himself! WTF? And not to mention, there she goes pulling the "you never pay me" BS again when the payment goes into her account EVERY MONTH! I don't understand how someone can just lie about the same thing for so long. If he really wasn't paying her, she'd be taking him to court so fast our heads would spin. But of course, she's not...because she's LYING!
EDIT: Also, I've been wondering for a while...how old is too old to be messing on yourself? SS is 9...The last time I did that I was 6 and in the 1st grade, and it was only pee. I've never uncontrollably pooed on myself since I've been of school-age. This all happened after BM threw that huge fit saying SS was sick and couldn't come to visitation, but he wasn't sick at all. She managed to keep him with her Friday night, but had to bring him to us Saturday morning. I'm wondering if sometime between then, she gave something to SS to make him have explosive diarrhea like he did. He just went once, and he was completely fine after that...and he only felt sick for about 10 minutes beforehand. If she had poisoned him, would we have known it Saturday, or could it have taken so long to manifest itself? I asked BF if he thought BM might intentionally have made SS sick. He said he's thought about it in the past as have I, because SS seems to be conveniently sick a lot when BF is supposed to get him...
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Meds?
Nymh, does he take any meds regularly? My SS's ADHD meds used to make him really constipated, then when he finally could go... look out! We had problems with that up until he was probably ten or so. Now, not so much.
~ Anne ~
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Sh@# Happens
OMG that is so petty of BM. Of COURSE you throw away the underwear. It will stain for God sakes and talk about embarrasing for the child. A bad virus will cause an adult to have an accident. I think you handled it just fine. Had you not thrown the underwear away then she would be complaining about the fact you sent them back for her to deal with it. It is a no win siutation with her. She is so jealous of you she can't see straight. Personally I would buy SS a pack of underwear the next time he is with you just to leave at your house. You have every right to keep a separate set of clothes at your house. You are not denying this child a thing. She is just looking for something to fuss about.
I would ask SS if BM gave any chocolate to him before coming over. Exlax comes in chocolate form and I would not put it past this woman to intentially make SS sick.
When my SD(12) comes to
When my SD(12) comes to visit on Friday, I immediately wash her clothing after she showers. She wears home exactly what she wore to my house. I do not let the SD bring a bag, being her BM is exactly like yours. I am so sorry you have to deal with that also
My son goes to his dad's also and when he was little I packed him a bag, being his dad was single and there was not anyone there to really pick out his clothes. Once his dad met someone and she moved in, and is now his wife, I stopped sending him a bag. I had actually called her and asked if they had clothes there for my son so I wouldn't have to bother sending a bag, honestly I didn't want her to feel I was stepping on her toes and wanted to allow her to be a Stepmom to my son; which includes purchasing clothes for him.
I do furnish all clothing for both of my SD's. One lives with us and the other with the other BM. But SD(12) has just as many clothes as SD(2) because she comes to the house quite a bit.
It sounds to me that the BM in your case is just trying to hang on to any little bit of control that she can. You need to buy SS clothes and let BM know that there is no need for her to send a bag with him. And that you will wash his clothes when he arrives and make sure that he wears those same clothes home. It is just ridiculous to me to make situations that are so petty so much harder than they need to be. It just doesn't make sense and the child does suffer in one way or another from actions like that. Is she a control freak??
We only have the problem of soiled underwear when SD(12) comes to stay and has a stomach virus, which she has had several times. I DO NOT TRY AND WASH HER CLOTHES! I IMMEDIATELY THROW THEM AWAY. (MY SD(12) IS VERY NEEDY) If something she wears from her house gets thrown away I send something from my house with her and do not expect it back. I made sure I nipped that in the bud when my DH and I first were dating. I had to get him on track with what I was doing with my son, but it didn't take long to show him how much easier things were when we didn't have to hear it from SD's BM.
After telling us how MIL saw in BM's House
Your Skids BM is just a filthy person. Her standards of cleanliness are much different than yours. You obviously have standards!!!!! She doesn't!!!
You Don't Know the Lengths
I have to deal with a BM that hates the BF more than she loves the kids. She will do anything and everything to get at us even if it hurts the children. She went as far as blatently perjuring herself in court and we are still awaiting the verdict from the court. The jury is literally out on that one.
In Nymphs case this woman is very unstable and reading Nymph's case in her postings I wouldn't put it past this woman to give a laxative to her child whether she is his Mother or not. Belive me the BM I deal with may have given birth to her children but she doesn't really care about her kids. She has done things to her kids that will make your jaw drop in disbelief. She thinks about herself first to a point that it is scary. Lifetime movie stuff. She is a wacko. I have another stepdaughter from a previous marriage and her BM is wonderful.
RE:
You should read some of my other blog entries before you make that judgement about this woman. I appreciate that you are a nice enough person to want to give BM the benefit of the doubt but let me assure you that I played that game for years and this woman does not deserve it. My naivete in wanting to believe that "no mother could treat their child that way" or "no woman could let themself act that way" is what has caused me to have to get a restraining order and has been the subject of many, many long nights of heartbreaking talks between SS, BF and me. She may be a mother, but on most days, especially when it comes to me and BF, her son is nothing but a pawn to her. You say that's just crazy...but this woman IS crazy!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
It's stress
My SD is 10 and she has "poop" accidents as well. Hers are small but alway accompany some drama with the BM. She lives with us so it's easy to see that she's fine, no soiling, for 2 straight weeks but then comes home with it after a weekend visit with BM. Sometimes in extreme situations (like with your BM) it is normal for the children to experience this. If it's bad, I throw them away and just send her in another pair the next time. But we also send both SD's back to BM in the clothes, socks and undies that they came in after we clean them. NO PACKED BAGS!! Just adds to the drama. In our case the BM was keeping all the clothes on purpose and then the court ordered her to return the clothes we packed. She kept the very next bag of clothes despite the order so we finally said "no more!" So she has her clothes and we have ours. Works great.
I hate to admit it, but even as an adult, I've done it,when sick
You who haven't had food poisoning, or some of the more virulent strains of Flu or Intestinal Viruses, are lucky. Having several family and friends in the Medical Profession, I have been exposed to some that could be used as INCAPACITATING BIO-WARFARE AGENTS, where I literally couldn't get out of bed and walk the 10 or 15 steps to the bathroom in time, because I was so weakened, or too exhausted to wake up.
BM in our case, doesn't send clothes...
I do the same as the others, I wash everything that SS wears over here, and send it back to BM. There was a point when we sent him back wearing underwear and socks we had purchased, but we noticed that BM started sending him over here in tightie whities about a size to small, we only buy boxer briefs. We figured she was sending the too small undies, just to get the boxer briefs. Cheap much..lol. So now we make sure undies, socks, everything he wears here goes there. BM is supposed to pack a bag, but she never has, and to tell you the truth with the clothes I have seen him in I won't complain too much. I agree that it is stress, ss seems to get stomach probs everytime something happens regarding bm, everytime she takes her vacation from reality(mental ward), he gets sick. The last time a few months ago, he had to go to the emergency room, had a 103 fever, noone called us, needless to say we were pissed. I ask BM what was wrong with him, she says "I don't know, they gave him green medicine." We are going to have his medical records brought up in court, bm takes him to a quack that prescribed him valium for a kink in his neck. Thing that bugs me is she didn't have an issue giving a then 7 y/o valium. Cheri, I know it is hard to believe, but I have read a good many of Nymh's posts and as vindictive as the BM is it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't give him something to make his visit with his Dad unpleasant. Just because someone is a mother doesn't mean they always put their kids first...Susan Smith among many others are a perfect example.
RE:
The stress thing does make sense...this accident happened after she had held SS hostage for hours and he had to see a deputy outside their home and his mother carrying on like a rabid dog all night long. He did tell us that afternoon that he really didn't want to go home and he wished he could just live with us and visit his BM every other weekend. This accident happened at 5:15 and we leave at 5:30 to take him home. He was probably really stressed about seeing his mom again. I'm not totally scrapping the laxative idea but the stress thing does make sense.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Toss 'em out, don't worry about it.
After all, YOU didn't shit in his pants.
~ Anne ~
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!
HAHA
Thanks for the laugh
I talked to BF about buying SS some clothes and asking BM not to send any with him on visits anymore. He said he thought that was a good idea. He's not going to tell her ahead of time, because no matter what we do whether it be good or bad it always starts an argument. So when he goes to pick him up in 2 weeks, he's just gonna take his meds out of his bag and hand the bag to BM and say he doesn't need it. Then we'll take SS shopping for some clothes to keep with us. I told him that we need to send him home in what he comes in so as to avoid as much drama as possible, and he agreed.
Thanks to everyone for your suggestions and feedback!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Perfect
That will shut her idiot mouth up. I would send him home with the exact clothes he had on during the pickup.
Actually, it won't...
Then will come the endless questions "how is it you have money to buy him clothes for your home but you can't pay me the money you owe me (that doesn't exist)?" "Don't you think it's childish to put SS in the middle by buying him things that he can only use at your house?" "You aren't a family and you never will be a family, he doesn't live there and never will, so those clothes need to come with him to his REAL home!"
No matter what we do...literally, EVERY thing we do in regards to SS turns into another question, another threat, another criticism, another argument. We can't spend a day at home with him because she doesn't feel that that's "special" enough. We can't take him anywhere because then we're buying his love. She tries to have me ostracized from our family by using the restraining order as an excuse to say I shouldn't be around him, but then she says that if it weren't for me he wouldn't get his medications or get fed. We can't bring him to our business while we work on the weekends because that's not an acceptable place to her, but we can't leave him with a sitter because that's child neglect. She grounded him from getting any new toys or movies or games, and then griped at us for not bringing him to Wal*Mart like he wanted! He was grounded! It goes on and on...so I know that this won't be the end, and I know it won't shut her up...but at least it'll keep us from throwing away SS's sacred, too small, holey underwear that she spent a dollar on three years ago.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Nymh...
You just need to shove a HUGE piece of 'choclate' in her mouth when she starts ranting and walk away... er... okay, your DH just needs to shove a huge piece of 'chocolate' in her mouth when she starts ranting and walk away.... Let her sh!t her pants for a change....
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
RE:
LOL
In a way I'm worried about the next exchange...because she'll have been anticipating me coming for two weeks, so I'd imagine she'll have something up her sleeve. But in a way I'm kind of giddy wondering what kind of crap she's going to pull next.
And with the pigsty that she lives in, your idea probably wouldn't cause much of a change in scenery! *ooh that was bad..*
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
You are right
It won't shut her up. But it is none of her business why you buy him clothes. Don't let her stupidity get to you. You are a family. He has a 2nd home and she can't MAKE you take the clothes home. She is so pathetic. I tell you my blood boils for you!!! What you do with him during visitation is none of her business. Do as you please. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. So do it anyway. Her opinion is nothing but jealousy. You guys are doing nothing wrong.
Are you going for custody??
Since she is being an ass to children services and her house is a pigsy and now SS wants to live with you can you go for custody? Or at least 50/50? Makes me wanna puke the way these BM's carry on and I think most of them want to keep the kids for 2 reasons 1. to get CS off hubby and 2. to use the child to hold their grudge against the father. Sick and twisted aren't they. Eveytime you post I feel so bad for this kid.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
RE:
We can't feasibly do 50/50 because she lives in a different county from us, and SS's school is a 45 minute drive from our house. I've asked BF if he was interested in getting SS all summer long but our work schedules aren't conducive to that either, unless BM wouldn't pitch a fit about him going to work with BF or staying at a sitter during the day. We both work until 4:30 or 5:00 PM every day.
We have tried to get our lawyer to sue for full custody but she says that until BM does something that is blatant abuse of SS or just downright illegal, no judge will take a child from their mother and give them to an unmarried couple. Personally I think with how obviously psychotic she is, how much of a laughingstock she's made of herself in our legal system and how many reports they have about her at the sheriff's office it would not be difficult to get full custody, but BF's lawyer disagrees. So right now we are forced to play the waiting game - either wait until we get married or until BM does something so horrible that SS will be scarred from it for life, whichever comes first.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
yes, we have dealt with that
Remember my post about being "given crap over underwear"? It's sad how the stories are so similar.....I seriously think the BM's we deal with are twins! ; ) Believe me, we have heard the same petty arguments from her about sending the gifts we buy him back to her place, that if we want any "credit" for buying him clothes then they have to be kept at her place....etc. And I agree that the child is being used as a pawn, and BM is not acting like much of a mother.
It sure does suck to have to deal with such an unbalanced person, but please know that I send my hugs, my empathy and good thoughts for you and yours.
I do remember that
I think there's a book that they all read that teaches them how to act. It's all so similar you'd think we're all dealing with the same person most of the time.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*