I've Given Up!
After the last messy incident I've given up. I know it sounds cold but I am tired of being the only one who worries about these children. After CPS and the FBI offering no assistance, I've had to concede that these children are just going to end up as victims of the system.
If my husband was willing to fight then I would absolutely keep fighting, but I can't do it all on my own. So I gave up, got a dog, and said to hell with all of them.
I am nice to the children when they are here, but I no longer push to get them. My husband seems happy about this, so it makes my life less stressful. I've instead started focusing my energy on the little ones in my family -- which is a relief since there are no abuse situations; they are just healthy, happy, normal children. If I'm not with them, I spend time doing something I ENJOY!
It's sad to have to come to this, but without the husband's help, I see no other healthy approach!
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I know it is a horrible
I know it is a horrible question but does your husband really want them?
I used to think so...
I used to think so...I mean he brought it up making sure I was open to getting them full time before he ever asked me to marry him.
Now I don't think he cares, maybe I'm wrong. He says he wants them, but it doesn't seem like it to me.
I gave up last year.
I, like you have helped BF with CS issues, mediation etc... I was the one downloading all the appropriate forms, filling them out, sending them off, keeping records, setting up parenting plans and everything else. Everytime we kept coming to a dead end or BM was being impossible BF would always give up until I find something in our favour, but it came to an end when I felt like I was the only one that cared enough to do this with no appreciation in return and an oh well attitude. So now I have adopted the oh well attitude as well.
Without our men on our side, helping and encouraging, we are basically fighting a loosing battle, so if he doesn't care or isn't worried about it then unfortunatly I have to think, well these are your children and if you don't care enough to want to push the matter for a better future for them then I don't either.
It does suck but not much you can do about it.
Learned helplessness
Hi first I want to apologize that I did not know your situation and it is truly horrifying, so I am sorry I did not write to support you earlier. I think your DH has somehow been so beaten down, by this woman, this situation, his childhood, life, something, that he believes that he cannot win so therefore has given up trying and is in fact in a depressed state.
I remember in school it is called 'learned helplessness' and if anyone can help me here, it is when say the subject (originally in animal testing) learns or PERCEIVES that they cannot control what is hurting them, they give up, even when they do have a way to stop whatever is hurting them. The PERCEPTION that they cannot change anything is the problem, and he may need to talk to a therapist to help him realize, he is a grown man now, he is a father to these kids, and he is capable of helping them, if that is possible in this situation.
I know my DH has similar response to BM because she is SO overwhelmingly mean, loud, knows no boundaries for any situation or relationship, and is just generally out of control, plus has a series of sugar daddy men who will help her with attorney fees etc. There is nothing BM will not do and she has launched so many delusion campaigns against him to I guess deny her own role in her situations and maintain full victim status. To shut her up and take control of SD is beyond what he can do short of hog tying BM and he has gone broke and had a nervous breakdown and is now semi-estranged trying to be a real parent to his child.
Maybe if you point out to your husband he will recognize this and get into therapy and gain the strength and insight needed to help these kids.? just a thought. I will pray for you and completely understand, that you alone cannot do anything, he needs to be more involved. So sorry dear. I was touched by your saying you too had experienced this and it is SUCH a shame but maybe through HIM something can improve. Please keep us posted. (((((((hugs)))))))
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Sounds Familiar
The way you describe the BM in your situation sounds 95% like this disgusting BM. I have tried to get him to go to personal and couple counseling -- total failure. But please feel free to keep praying! I've seen crazier things change in people.
I do think he's beat down to a degree, but I also think it's a large degree of selfishness.
I've also been praying that the BM will come to her senses! I refuse to talk to her b/c of how she talks to me and I don't want the kids to have one more situation that's filled with her vulgar profanity. In the meantime, I ask God to change her heart and I ask Him to allow me to see this monster through His eyes. Obviously from my description, I'm not there yet, I don't know if I ever will be!
We don't have them this weekend, so I was able to enjoy time with a childhood friend who was in my neck of the woods. It was a nice break from reality.
Thank You All!
I wanted to say thank you to all of you! Your kind words make me feel less selfish and cold. My family and friends and counselor say it's the only healthy approach I can take, but still thank you!