The Holidays are Coming
And I am conflicted.
We are going to Louisiana for the holiday. Our families are great about sharing us, so we spend every other year with each family. Of course, since BM lives about an hour from MIL, we'll be picking SD stb 13 up on the way. BM has not seen me in person since May '07. Since then, DH lost 35 lbs (about 10 has crept back on) and I have lost over 25. Actually, here's some before and after pictures: Before and After DH also started cutting his hair differently, from a longish cut that made his curls look like a comb-over to a short cut that hides his retreating hairline.
Part of me, the really petty part, wants us to sweep in looking fantastic: young, happy, and damn fine. I really want to rub it in BM's face that she really *should* be jealous of us.
And then... there's the part that says I should be the bigger person and not bait her, even without saying a word. I'm also concerned about CS. Almost 7 years ago, BM really took DH to the cleaners. She was awarded $622/month + health insurance. That's a lot on a middle-grade enlisted salary. DH had to declare bankruptcy in order to clear the marital debt (read - the credit cards she ran up) but he never missed a CS payment. Well, he's been promoted twice, and gotten time-in-service raises and annual raises. His income has increased by 65%. BM has not taken him back to court, but if she had any idea what he makes now, I'm almost certain she would, even though SD has been provided for just fine for the last 6 1/2 years.
Louisiana will NOT give DH custody. BM is NOT unfit, even if I hate what she is, and what she is turning SD into. SD is fed, clothed, housed, and finally has some stability. 4 schools in 5 years, and this is her second year in the same school. It's not fair to take her away from her friends. Not to mention the selfish part; I don't want SD around. Not because she's Daddy's Precious Poopsie Princess, because having any child around is stressful. I get enough stress at work, I don't need to dread coming home or to want to crawl back into the bottle I escaped a year ago.
I'm sorely tempted to make a couple casual remarks about "we didn't know if we could afford to travel this far - good thing gas prices went down!" or "I forgot how lovely your house is, I'm sure SD told you ours isn't nearly as nice - we can't afford anything this big!" when really, we live well within our means and make more than BM and her husband.
Oh hell, maybe I should just stay in the car. DH catches enough flak because I don't talk to SD on the phone (wtf? Why would I want to? Why would BM want me to?), BM already hates me, it can't hurt my reputation as an antisocial standoff-ish b&^$#.
~Trish
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Best thing to do?
My advice to you: Don't go poking that bear. Believe me when I say you will regret saying anything that might cause trouble. Don't worry about what BM thinks of you.
Oh, and by the way, I have to say HUBBA HUBBA! You guys are way hot!
Stay in the car
There is no reason to start anything with BM, especially since she doesn't know about the rasies that your DH has gotten. No reason to get her pissed off and get her started looking for a way to get at you.
By the way you both look great!
take a nap
Oh sorry I missed saying hello, I dozed off while DH was driving. No need to stir the pot. I guess I am lucky our BM is nice and cordial to me so no problems in that regard so far. Don't get me started on child support - NO ONE wants to hear that right now!
Enjoy the holidays, read a good book on the trip or knit like I do so I don't see my BF tailgating the old lady in front of us. LOL
I agree with everyone ~
It's better to stay in the car and let DH do the talking. I don't want to talk to BM more than I have to, even if we're "getting along" right now. That is a great pic of you guys!
Hey.. my dh is also in the
Hey.. my dh is also in the military.. how long were they married?? and was he in the military then too? If so, she can google it online.. I know my dh's ex does. Does she not know about his advancements??? We are not telling the ex about dh's upcoming advancement until he is actually advanced.. and we know where we are going. She got CS based on the BAH as well... and if we get transferred next year, we are going into Military housing, due to the market... so we wouldnt want him hauled into court based on the BAH for our current billet.. only to have that slashed if moved to a less costly area..
Yes, he was in the military
the entire time they were married. Good thing it was *only* eight years. He was an E-4 through E-6 during those years, made E-7 as they were getting divorced, but left Ranger Regiment (special duty pay) at the same time, so actually lost money. He staved her off with that for a while. The last time she asked was right before he made E-8, so he was truthfully able to tell her he hadn't gotten promoted. As you said, pay rates are online, so I've stressed to him that he had better not outright lie. I can't believe she hasn't been checking, but then I remember that they were married when he was in the Clinton Army, he was lower ranking, and she would not work, so mortgage + 2 vehicles + bills + her college loans ate it up really quickly and they were always broke. Maybe she just remembers being broke all the time and figures it's still the same.
We would prefer not to get housing because we both get BAH - to the tune of $2100/month here - which is right around what the mortgage, electric, cable, water, both vehicles, insurance, and two phone bills add up to. It's my name on the mortgage and I bought it as something a single E-5 could afford, not an E-6 and an E-8 with dependents. Right now, I'm really glad that our bills are low - I'm looking at supporting my parents.
~Trish
Sorry.. Dont get out of the
Sorry.. Dont get out of the car. That is what I have been doing for the past 2 yrs.
i dont even get IN the car
DH goes to all exchanges SOLO.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I sooo totally agree
with everyone else.......let sleeping dogs lie!!!!
It's not worth it.
BM's (well, at least mine) will do everything in their power to make their ex's lives miserable. They try to control them through their children... and honestly, most of them are the most ridiculous people ever. But you, as the stepmom, have to be the better person because, well, you ARE. There have been times where I've gone up with DH to pick SD8 up or drop her off... and it's a wonderful feeling to flaunt the fact that me and DH are together... and that stupid elephant BM is all by herself. But honestly, it's not worth it. I had to grow up and learn that I don't need to prove anything to BM. So show that stupid BM that you're the better person... and stay in the car.
Hey you guys look great!!
but yes I would be in the car, maybe even on the phone! instead of blinding yourself w/BM - I call mine Medusa!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I *would* like to stay in the car
but weirdly, BM wants to be all fake-y nice nice and present the perfect picture of cooperation. Then she makes nasty comments to SD and DH behind my back. Like I said, she asks why I don't talk to SD on the phone (um? Not my kid? Not enough time to develop a real relationship?) or when we're having kids (since when is that HER business?) and then tells DH "I hope she cheats on you" when I was at a school for three months.
So I'm expected to be all superficial and smiley and coo over how wonderful her stuff is (i.e. stroke her ego) and if I don't, *I'm* the hostile one because she's "trying to get along!!" So hell, why not look all fantastic if I'm being dragged out there?
*sigh* Her game is that she has to feel superior. She thinks DH is a jerk and treats women horribly. (he's actually the picture of chivalry) If I play it airheaded, then I'm obviously too dumb to see through him. If I don't dress to the nines, then I'm not feminine enough, since she has a flashy diamond and a manicure and highlights and an expensive haircut. (I have a $75 Wal*Mart wedding band - no diamond - ragged hands and chewed nails, and I get a trim maybe once every six months) So, play her game? She's not hard to fool. Or play up my strengths?
~Trish
screw her and what she wants
do whats best and comfortable for u. u dont need to be anything to her...u dont need to see her at all. let her say and do what she wants regarding u, shes going to anyway. so why put urself thru it? u cant win not matter what u do.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I agree!
You could look really good, but just act like that is how you always are! and then, ignore her! that would drive her insane, but seriously who cares what she thinks says or does? I love your hair, let her eat her heart out on that!! I am your same style honey, it is so cosy too!
Our BM tried that phoney crap on me too and wanted to serve us dinner at her house when we met! No way, no how!! DH said that is not happening.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Oh THANK you!
I was starting to think I was weird not wanting to make all fake nice with BM. Like I've said before, I've missed out on a LOT of the insanity that you all suffer through. Distance, BM's remarriage, DH's standing up for us/me and keeping me out of the drama - our life is pretty darn peaceful. Yet she wants to go to lunch with us and cries - yes, cries - over grace (which she also insisted on doing in the restaurant - did she want to impress me with how pious she is?) about how wonderful it was that we all got along. Which promptly went out the window when she was screaming at DH that she would take him to court over the deductible for counseling for SD - when it was completely covered by insurance and she hadn't bothered to check.
Even if I had never met DH and heard the insane things she did to him, BM is someone I would have hated on sight. Attitudes, priorities, interests - we're totally opposite each other. Call me judgemental, but if your life revolves about appearances and things and "my way or the highway" in every relationship rather than values and cooperation, we're just NOT going to get along.
Guess I'm going to dress modestly and not say a word - DH promises a lightning fast infil and exfil. Then it's off to 8 days of SD at MIL's house along with two or three of my SILs and their husbands.... wait, what am I thinking? 8 adults, a teenager, and a dog in a small 3br house? Can I stay home by myself after all?
~Trish