Update to BM's sister is now children's SM...
I would like to start off by thanking everybody who gave feedback to my earlier post. There were comments that made me cry... but that's good a thing because right now I'm trying to fix some pretty BIG messes, some that I have made and others that I won't take responsibility for as I had no control (XDH with sister one I could not have controlled)...
After talking to my sister on the phone I DO realize now that the problem does not actually even have anything to do with her, the problem lies between XDH and I. She said that all she does is continue to do what she's been doing and that is actually love and care for mine and XDH's children. She said she doesn't WANT to be their mom and is relieved that I left XABF and that I am now a constant in my childrens' lives once again. (Bless her soul) she said if SHE had it HER way they could just all come back and live with me and she thinks that's a possibility once my EDH has had sufficient time to work through HIS anger issues with me. She and I have begun the process of starting over. We wiped the slate clean and started fresh.
I actually realize that I have been through SO much in the last 5 years with the AXBF and now being married to such a wonderful man that I no longer harbor any bad feelings about my sister being with my XDH. It's not like it's something that I could change even if I wanted to and honestly at this point I wouldn't want to. I have no feelings at all for XDH. No anger, just nothing... I am in a healthy wonderful and committed relationship myself and I can honestly say that I just hope the best for them both now and as long as mine and XDH's children are being well taken care of and treated good by ALL parents involved I think they can grow up that much more well rounded.
I' not saying there is NO awkwardness there at all because there is and I think there always will be, for example when I was finished talking to my BS8 on the phone yesterday I asked him to put his aunt (her name) on the phone and then I thought "Oh shit," lol and I had to tell her I was sorry it was a habit but she didn't take any offense to it so we moved right along. Then there's the fact that my XDH is now MY brother-in-law and I'm thinking to myself that I'm sorry but I REFUSE to think of him like that. He will just stay my XDH.
For the record though... when it FIRST happened I was mad as hell at them BOTH equally. It took BOTH of them to do what they did and choose what they chose and I don't care how either one them have to look at it to make it okay, it wasn't. I didn't just lose a husband in my divorce I lost an entire family because of what they chose... (actually my other sister and brother hated the entire situation and opted to pretend it wasn't happening) not to mention even all of our friends avoided us because they didn't know what to say. I had people coming up to me asking me if I knew that my sister and my H were together and I felt like running away... so I did. Right into the arms of an abusive evil manipulator.
Sorry I rambled at the end of that... my actual point is that as I grow older each year I try to learn everything I possibly can from each situation that I put myself in and even the few that I have no control over. I have learned a LOT. There are people in this world that are ALL evil... look for the good in people and if all you can find is FALSE goodness in them... RUN and don't look back for even a minute. For God's sake, take your babies with you when you do it. When you find good and caring people (people make mistakes, be willing to forgive) make sure they always know that you love them and appreciate that they are a part of your life. LAST but not least... if you TRULY love someone you don't harp on their faults or the little things that irritate you. Don't throw their mistakes up in their face constantly. Instead try being patient and forgiving and see what you end up with in the end. Find an outlet for little irritations (I know I personally have and it's right here! hehehe). There seems to be a lot of caring people at this website. I only hope I can help some people as much as I have been helped.
Thank you all and BIG hugs!!! 
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Comments
Thanks for the update!! I'm
Thanks for the update!! I'm so happy for you that things are working out! I think the coolest thing is that you are being mature and growing as a person and that's not something you can buy or get for free. Also, you are putting the happiness of your kids first and that is extremely admirable and the way it should be!
Thank you so much although
Thank you so much although honestly I feel as though my sister is doing the same. She COULD technically be a you-know-what and throw in my face that I was gone for so long and that she was left to clean up my mess but she's not. It shows me that she actually cares about my kids too and I am SO relieved and thankful for that!
Technically N8tiveButt3rfly -
Technically N8tiveButt3rfly - if she had not cheated with your DH - you would not have left with another man - I am glad that you all are making it work but your sister did play a very big part in you losing sight of yourself for a few years. The betrayal of someone so close always make us very vulnerable and that is when the predators can sense the weakness and pounce - especially abusive men. You are in a great relationship now with a wonderful man - you deserve all of this and don't forget that. You have come out of this experience I am sure a much stronger woman and just know that you can survive and now devote your life to your new hubby and your children.
Although I would never be
Although I would never be able to leave my child behind, you might try be grateful that you didn't subject themselves to the abusive relationship that you were in after your ex...
I am so happy that things are improving for you.
My mother just lost her brother and sister (only remaining siblings) withing a few months of each other from cancer. Her and her sister had just started talking after being estranged for MANY years. She is just torn up over all the years they lost and that she has lost her all over again. So it makes me smile to hear that you and your sister are getting things ironed out.
When I was with my AXBF (I
When I was with my AXBF (I finally know what mental illness he suffers from and it's narcissistic personality disorder plus he's an alcoholic) he honestly had me brainwashed... BAD. My own perception of reality became distorted and I didn't even realize myself just how much I actually became dependent upon his abuse. When I say that I was dependent upon it I mean that I felt as though I didn't deserve better because I bought into everything he said to me. I started actually thinking that he only wanted what was best for me even though I would go through beatings and him calling me mean and horrible names. It's only been since I have been reaching out for help that I FULLY realize just how sick the man is. I can look back now and beat myself up and ask MYSELF how the hell I ever stayed in that relationship SO long and what the hell I was thinking but when I was actually IN it, it was normal to me and I couldn't see that what was actually happening was killing me. There were a few things that actually saved me. One was that I found I was going to become a grandmother and my daughter informed me that she didn't even WANT me to find out about the pregnancy (prior to divorce and my new relationship this daughter and I had been very close and she had ALWAYS talked to me about EVERYTHING). She told me that since I had found out on my own that she just wanted me know that as long as I was with AXBF she didn't want me in her child's life. Second was that when I found out about her pregnancy and after this talk, AXBF actually had the nerve to say that my unborn grandchild was going to be an ugly child because he said to take a look at the parents. Third was that because of all that happening I decided that I needed to seek some counseling. I FINALLY decided that maybe someone on the outside should hear how I was feeling and I wanted to make sure (this is going to sound incredibly crazy) that I wasn't the one who was being unreasonable and that it all wasn't just my fault. When AXBF found out I was going to go to a counseling appointment he hid the car keys from me and wouldn't LET me go which FINALLY threw up a red flag for me and I knew I had to get out of the relationship or sooner or later I would have taken my own life. I had ONE friend left by this time. ONE who still cared enough to tell me daily that I am a beautiful and amazing woman and that I deserved SO much better than that guy. Even after I left AXBF I almost went running back but my one friend yelled at me and told me NOT to do. Instead he threw my childrens' names at me and the fact that I was getting ready to be a grandma and it saved me. Sure he may have thrown those things at me but in the end it was my children that saved ME. I had to get back to my babies and here I am.
Thank you... I cannot even BEGIN to describe how happy I am myself am that my sister wants a relationship with me also. I'm sure that her relationship with my DXH didn't come without a price for her as well. I am only just learning about the ridicule she underwent from people she didn't even know and it wasn't even THEIR problem. Yet she stayed and took care of my babies. She's my sister and I love her. She should be happy too...
I somehow missed your whole
I somehow missed your whole other post but just went back and read through it and this one. I am so glad to hear that it sounds like you and your sister are on the road to making amends with each other for the sake of the children. Hopefully, with your sister on-board, the anger your ex-H feels about the situation (and directs at you) will subside.
I really wish you the best of luck, as your situation is definitely a mind-blowing one. But, once I knew someone in this exact situation, only years later, and everyone got along great. They had 50/50 custody of the daughter and both the mom and the step mom were the daughter's coaches...I don't know the gory details of their past and how it all came to be, but always knew them to be great coaches and partners and sisters and parents. I hope that your situation can one day turn into that.