My parents divorced when I was 10 and my father was mentally ill and not really in our lives after the divorce. I never stopped missing my family being "whole" even as dysfunctional and abusive as it was. My dad died when I was 20 and my mom remarried when I was 24-25. I was married with 2 kids and lived 2000 miles away and saw my mom maybe once every few years. We were never really close to begin with. So imagine my surprise to realize that I was jealous that she had remarried! I HATED it when he answered the phone and I had to go through him to get to my mom. So I can imagine what it must feel like to be 5, 10, 15 etc and have those feeling without the ability to process and analyze those feeling like I was able to. I have a good, albeit long-distance relationship with them both now but I will always remember that feeling that he "stole" my mom and I was an adult!
Anyways I am going to have DH watch it too. There are other ones too that are equally insightful.
I really liked how he pointed out how important it was to validate their feelings while also maintaining acceptable boundaries and discipline in the home and the importance of DH in elevating SM status and backing her up.
Great counsel all the way around IMO.

I've always understood how they felt and did what was in my power to do to help them. Unfortunately BM worked very hard to instill hatred. She did not have custody or even visitation because of her substance abuse and choice of felons for BF but never underestimate the emotional havoc that can be caused on the telephone! The 2 SS's identify more and bonded strongly to DH in their moms absence but there was a hole in SD that nothing could fill. That void was filled with anger and hatred toward the 2 people who actually gave a damn and BM became the hero. They finally bonded through their shared emptiness and anger. I washed my hands of it a couple years ago. She's not mine to fix anymore and never really was but I did try. I feel no love for her after all she has done but I do still pity her.

Sueu2 I don't think I'm that different than most of the SM's on here. I started out my marriage full of affection and hope for these little people DH loved so much and I tried for almost a decade before I finally stopped googling "How to be a good SM" and googled "I hate my SD" which landed me on this site.
I tried to be what she needed and I LOVED her. I felt her pain and I tried so hard to help her. When we married he had EOW visitation and within a year or so Skids complained of abuse by BM and the courts removed them from her care and we had them full-time.
Add to that my DH was active duty in a unit that was deployed over 1/2 the year, every yeat! So now skids have essentially lost both parents and there I was with the duty and responsibility to raise them along with my 4, all under the age of 16 at the time, and one totally disabled. It was a recipe for disaster but I did everything I could do. I became the Lightning rod for everything wrong in her life. I sought counseling for her etc to no avail.
I look back knowing that I made mistakes as we all do but also knowing I loved her and did the best I could do. The other kids are all doing great and I have a close relationship with them. They too see what she has done and know it wasn't for lack of caring on my part.

No, I really wasn't defensive, except maybe to myself. I think as mothers or SM we feel guilt no matter what because we always feel like we could have done better, and even more so when we have literally "failed."
I was really just explaining how things went down to give a bit of background.

But the bigger point I was making was that most of these SM's who you think don't care how the skids feel, probably cared a great deal at one time. It is only after years of being shit on by unsupportive DH, bitter BM's and skids who are allowed and encouraged to take their hurt, anger, and pain out on the SM that we, for our own hearts and sanity say "enough, I cant care anymore because it's killing me and it's not helping the skids" Hurt turns to bitterness and bitterness to anger. The walls go up and the disengagement begins.
It's a lot like a divorce. Sometimes you keep coming back and trying one more time before you finally call it quits for good.
Even then there are the ghosts of good memories, love, and hope that keep tempting you to try just once more. At least that's how it was/is with me.
Even now thinking about it all, I have the urge to extend a Christmas invitation in the hope that she could possibly change but based on the past few years it's an empty hope. Sigh.

Thanks Blayze. I was hoping it struck a chord with others who still have time to change the dynamics.

I'm not sure if I remember your background Notasm but I think he was already an adult when you came into his life? I do think that's different than having them as children.