It is his choice if he wants to change his ways or not. He could quite easily tell you "No, sorry. I need my mother to wipe my bum and pack my snack box for work. This is just the way we are." But he hasn't. He is working at making boundaries.

And quite frankly if rescuing him from this dysfunctional life makes you a bitch then so be it. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. You cannot make people into who you think they should be. I made some changes around here that put a tailspin on BMs stealth broomstick. My s/sons were not impressed and whined to their mother. Too bad. This is the 'right' way to do things so get over it.... And they did. And BM crawled back into her house and leaves us alone.

It doesn't need screaming fits on your part, just passive resistance.
So eat a bar of chocolate, pour yourself a large drink and watch a tear jerker movie and cry all your tension out.

^^^^ agree!!

My DH is also setting up boundaries with his family & BM. They dont like it in the beginning when they start to realize that they are no longer hilding all the power, so they narurally need a scapegoat & us SMs make an easy available target. Boundaries are established to help & to protect. I agree, they usually do escalate before it gets better. BM is a huge control freak & it totally flipped her lid when DH started standing up to her! Frankly the man took his balls back & stopped letting her manipulate the situation. She used to call, text, email non freaking stop. Even after she remarried. It took about a month, maybe two for her to realize DH was no longer on demand to her. She went totally crazy nutso when DH put down boundaries & no longer took her phone calls & she was sent to vmail & DH would only email her back!! She even called me 40 some times in one day & her vmails were awful. So I blocked her! Slowly & surely she started to realize it wasnt working anymore for her. Ha!

Things will get better. It just takes a little time. & it sounds like your DH is seeing with his own eyes the dysfunction. Just support him thru it & it Will get better!!
& (Hugs) about the Pms thing. Chocolate or a glass of wine always is eagerly enjoyed by me when that happens to me

It's tough. I'm a big proponent of letting your partner be their authentic self. I don't want to change my DH...I fell in love with him without changing him, so why do it after the fact?
However, I had boundaries of what *I* would allow in *my* life, and he could either get on board or get left behind. (Not really...I love him enough to figure it out.)
Anyway, my ILs didn't really HAVE boundaries with DH and BM. DH and BM married very young because she was pregnant. They started out "needing help" and the relationship with his parents never really grew past that.
Need a car? ILs would buy one, get paid back.
Need another car? Same thing.
Need a house? Same thing.
Need a job? Go work for us.
DH and BM did finally move a few hundred miles away from them, but it never really stopped. DH and BM finally bought a house on their own, but ILs bought BOTH skids a car when THEY thought they were ready. (Parents be damned.)

I came along, new woman after a 19 year marriage. I don't think they knew what to make of me. We were going to take a trip to see them. They *insisted* on making the reservations at the hotel for us, the golf reservations, etc. When I found out, I told DH NO WAY. I'm a big girl, I can reserve my own hotel!! And pay for it.

We moved in together a few months before we married. We did not share a room, even sleeping on different floors in the home. (We weren't going to be "sleeping together" with the kids in the home.) Anyway, BM TOLD DH that he and SD should have one floor and I and my kids should have another floor, and we should prepare meals separately and use the separate living areas (one on each floor.) Woman's got brass cajones.

I called them right up and said that this was the first and only time I would justify my choices to them, and explained why who was where in the home. I told her from then on, our business was our business. We lived our life, we paid our own bills, and that was that.

Yeah, we haven't really been bosom buddies since... but those boundaries were MY boundaries. I didn't feel like I was "forcing" DH to have boundaries with them.

I hope that all made at least a little sense.

I do feel that way because I know it's true. DH will *not* set boundaries with his family, and he used to always complain about things. Then I started setting boundaries for him and told him to blame it on me b/c I don't care if I'm the bad guy or not. Also, I don't like the *vast* majority of his family, but that's another story. Anyway, in my situation, it's been great. They don't like me, so they don't talk to me, and there is peace in our house. Win/win!

any time someone enforces a boundary, there is bound to be pushback. they'll get over it if there is no other option. but in the meantime, yes you are the easy target. no way around that. i'm in the same situation with MIL. it is not a fun position to be in, but if our DH's are consistent i do believe thing's will fall into place. if not, then they are estranging themselves from u, not vice versa, and they have a right to make that decision, not my burden to carry.

AND CONGRATS!!!!!!!!