Bm texts again...
Bm text Dh. If you read my last post you'll know that Bm's last correspondence with dh 2 wks. ago ended w/ her texting that she was no longer "co-parenting" with dh and if he wanted to know what was going on w/ Ss, that he'd need to ask him himself. This all resulted from Dh telling Bm that he wanted exchanges to happen at their places of address NOT at whatever location she decided to be. Well she text yesterday saying "I'm having Ss tested for ADHD". I guess she forgot that she wasn’t telling Dh anything about Ss anymore? Dh responded to her with "What? Why?" and she said "He needs to have a better year in 2nd grade." After that Dh's phone died.
So when Dh and I were going to bed last night, he plugged his phone in and a text popped up from Bm that she had sent hours earlier. Her text read, "Well do you even want to be involved in this?" Dh of course didn't respond because it was 10pm. We talked a little about it and we don't understand what she means. Dh doesn't think Ss has ADHD, he thinks that he is struggling in school because Bm doesn't parent him. When Ss gets home from school he plays videos games until they go out to eat at whatever fast food joint is serving their dinner because Bm doesn't cook. Ss doesn't do homework nor does he read every night like he's supposed to. Ss is given adult status at her house and has a say in whatever decisions they make and he doesn't get any discipline. When Dh and I first got together Bm was trying to say Ss was autistic. Then when he turned 4 she started saying he has adhd. The behavior problems that Ss has though aren't that he's bad, he just doesn't like listen. The funny thing is that he does this at our house for a while when he arrives (like talking back etc) but he usually snaps out of it by Saturday afternoon because we let it be known that he is the child and we are the adults.
Anyway, what do you guys think of her question of if he wants to be involved? What does that even mean? Bm lives almost an hour away and all of Ss's doctors are in their city. I'm wondering if she is wanting Dh to start attending doctors appts with her? That would be unrealistic though considering Dh has to go to work to pay her the child support that she lives off of. Dh still hasn't text her back because he doesn't even know how to answer that question. He feels like she's trying to get attention. Thoughts? What should he even say?
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Sounds like she's trying to
Sounds like she's trying to get attention & time from him since he didn't chase her after her last fit.
Yep… It's stupid already.
Yep… It's stupid already. There is nothing wrong with this kid. She even agreed yesterday that he only has issues in school but admitted that the teacher never said anything to her about him being even remotely adhd.
He needs to be clear that it
He needs to be clear that it is not his opinion that SS has ADHD or autism, because at his home no such behaviors are displayed. He needs to be clear that the school problem is an issue in her home, with lack of structure and discipline.
Then she will know #1 her behavior is on notice, and #2 DH will fight against drugging up an innocent child
^^^^^ And he needs to say all
^^^^^ And he needs to say all that to the doctor so, yes, he does need to be "involved."
BTW, the at home reading is so important. Sooooo important. It has made a huge difference in my ss this year that I started doing it with him on what are supposed to be BM's days. You can basically see sprouts coming out of their heads, it makes their brains grow so much. It improves behavior, too, because they can focus and be quiet for longer periods of time, they think more complex thoughts, they communicate better, and they are more interested in their world. Read read read with that kid whenever you can.
All of the above. DH needs to
All of the above.
DH needs to be a strong parent since he is dealing with a lazy parent. Someone needs to give this kid a fighting chance.
Thank you for your words
Thank you for your words Furkidsforme. I don't think this child has issues. I've been around a lot of kids that have adhd and he doesn't show anything signs… to me anyway, I"m not a doctor though so we'll see what happens. it's all ridiculous.
OK, well firstly, you don't
OK, well firstly, you don't get "tested" for ADHD. There is no medical test. SS would see a psychologist and likely have a neuro-psych evaluation which would throw up flags for ADHD (among other things).
DH's opinion on whether SS has ADHD is as completely irrelevant as BM's. Neither of them is qualified to evaluate, and it should be done by a doctor, preferably a pediatric neuro-psycologist. Be aware that any ACTUAL evaluation is intensive, lasting (most often) several sessions and will require input from all people who care for SS in any capacity (DH, SS's teachers, day care providers, BM, etc).
Yes, your DH should ABSOLUTELY be involved. One, if SS doesn't get the proper evaluations then your DH needs to be vocal about making sure he DOES. (There is a disgusting minority of doctors who seem willing to prescribe ADHD meds with no eval. Which is flatly ludicrous, but your DH needs to make sure that doesn't happen.)
Two, a proper eval would REQUIRE your DH's input. They need to know how SS behaves at your house.
Three, please be aware that just because you have some notion of what "ADHD looks like" and that SS doesn't "look like that" at your house does NOT mean the evaluation wouldn't suggest he DOES have it. There may be triggers that simply don't exist at your house but do exist at BM's and at school. You might not be well informed about what ADHD is (and isn't). So your DH needs to be involved so he can offer his input AND so he can learn about it if the eval suggests he has it.
Four, ADHD can often be managed without meds. And, frankly, if the meds can be avoided I'd take that route. Your DH needs to be involved so he can participate in that decision and so he can be informed.
Your DH should text back, "Of course I'm involved. When and where is he being evaluated? What's the process?" Let her take the lead if she's that type, but don't let her leave him in the dark.
Thank you Allyskoo, I
Thank you Allyskoo, I appreciate your words.Bm is always trying to say something is wrong with Ss so I just don't know. We'll see what these doctors say.
omg!!! This is my EXACT
:jawdrop: omg!!! This is my EXACT situation. BM took SS10 to counseling without even remotely giving DH a say in it, had him tested for "mental disorders" without DH's knowledge or consent. Then she tells DH to "call the counselor at blah blah because she wants to speak to you about SS's diagnosis" so of coarse he calls to see what's going on. The counselor tells DH that SS is "ADHD on the AUTISM spectrum". The kid listens, sits still, caries on intelligent conversation, spouts facts about what he has read, etc. But he is ADHD and autistic?? I call bullshit! Bm puts a cellphone in ss10 (was 9 when he got the stupid phone again without DHs consent or knowledge... Some joint custody when we are never contacted)and all the kid does with her is play video games and eat highly processed fast food or kid cuisine microwave meals. She told DHs mother to " make SS go outside " when she was watching him the other day. Which NONE of them do. SS hates to be outside. All he wants to do is play video games. So here, he has no video games and has to use his imagination an physically play.
Good luck with it. Our bm also had SS on meds for ADHD at the age of 7 for literally 6-8 months different doses different pills, had him diagnosed as an insomniac, and them MAGICALLY that all went away. So fight it with every ounce of your being that's my advice. They mess kids up for life by not checking the real problem...the BM.
Uhh... I know kids on the
Uhh... I know kids on the spectrum (and with ADHD) who can carry on intelligent conversation, sit still, etc. I'd caution you not to completely discount a doctor's evaluation based on Dr. Google.
As for what the kid eats or does at BM's, you need to let it go. So she doesn't parent how you do, or how you want - so what? Not your job to police her parenting and you'll make yourself (and those around you) crazy if you try. I'll grant you some BM's do mess up their kids, usually through abuse, neglect, drugs, or some combo. But not 'cause they gave them nuggets.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your input. I write these blogs in an email at work and email to my phone and then post them so I don't usually have time to respond to everything but I do read AND I SO SO SO appreciate all the feedback. I can't even say Thank You enough, THANK YOU!!!