When I first met 4yo SD I thought she was the sweetest, most adorable little thing, and she was "mommy starved" (BM chose to go off and "do her own thing" for over 6 months at a time during SD's early years), but I was single and childless then and up-front about the fact that I didn't date men with children, so DH and I remained platonic friends. Fast forward a couple years and 9mos after I had my own BS DH and I got together, and SD even at one point when she was 8yo asked if she could call me "mommy", which I did allow for a while even though it made me uncomfortable (I kept thinking about her BM and how I would feel if my BS was calling someone else "mommy"!)

Anway, I SO WISH I still felt this way about her! I don't know how to change it other than to disengage, which really makes me feel sad. I guess because I realize exactly the three reasons I don't not feel the same about SD as I do about my BC, and it is the following:

1) DH's "guilt" parenting and preferential treatment toward SD breeds resentment. Totally NOT SD's fault, but unfortunately it is attached to her. DH has the power to change this!

2) I never bonded with SD as a baby like I would have if she were my own BD, and as long as BM remains in her life I could never be SD's mother.

3) It's too late to have SD be the baby girl of my own I longed for. SD is a typical pre-teen girl now, which I think would normally begin creating some challenges between mothers and daughters, but the fact that she was not raised how I would've raised her as a mother, with many of the values that are important to me; coupled with how DH parents her, makes me very disappointed in the young lady she is becoming, and I would not want anyone to associate that with me and my parenting skills.

Unfortunately as I am pretty much powerless to change any of these factors, I see now that it is best that I begin to disengage immediately.

Has anyone else had this happen - feelings that changed for the SKs over time?

If nothing else I hope that SD sees in how I parent my children an example of what a GOOD parent actually is. I do feel sorry for her that she really hasn't had that and hope that maybe if nothing else when she is an independent adult I can try to befriend her as some sort of mentor or something to try to prevent her from revisting the cycle of her parents on her own kids, but right now it is just too hard for me to think about the person I think she could be if I were her mother and the person I see her becoming.