So yesterday was H's birthday and I really tried to make it special for him, but even then the impending doom of our union reared it's ugly head without warning. I had already talked to H about the possibly of me having to relocate for my career when we were talking about separating. At that time he'd made it clear that he would not relocate with me, because afterall he'd move to this city specifically to be closer to his daughter. I expected and respected that response, and just reiterated that I may have to relocate whether he came or not, and that obviously I would never want to separate our boys from their Daddy.

Well, during "reconciliation" phase the past few weeks H changed his tune and said he would want to come and not be separated from me and the boys, but then he said "we'll figure out the SD12 thing" (because I had already confessed to H during the separation phase that I didn't like how he parented SD12 and therefore did not like having her in my home, and he then adamantly defended his parenting of SD12 and vowed not to change!) and left it at that. So we hadn't talked about it since then, but I just happened to mention last night at the dinner I treated him to for his birthday that an excellent career opportunity had opened up in another state and I wanted to pursue it. He then said "great, so I guess we'll just tell SD12 she is moving to said state" and I went silent! No way would I agree to having SD12 living in my home full-time, especially in a far-away state where she would probably only be visiting her mother 1 or 2 times a year which means I would be stuck with her for most of the year! Plus, let's not forget that my marriage with H isn't that great either!

So I broke my silence with a simple "and you think it's that simple?" I wanted to see what he'd say without leading him. He simply said "yes, it was supposed to happen anyway when SD turned 12 or 13." So I said, "and you talked to BM about this?" He said, "yes, a couple years ago." (Mind you, that couple of years ago was before H and I were married and living together!) I didn't respond.

Well, if it isn't already obvious in my recount of the brief conversation, my feelings and what I wanted were not even a consideration for H! So I immediately started feeling sad, because it was then and there that I finally realized that this really will never work, and we need to move on.

That's said, after tossing and turning all night lastnight I came up with a "solution" I believe to be the best compromise: H & I will stay "together" (i.e. living together at least) until school gets out for the summer. (I wasn't planning to make any career moves before then anyway.) This is right around the time I expect the "issues" from last summer to resurface about whether SD12 should spend extended time at our house during the summer, and of course I don't want her there, so I suspect any ideas of SD12 "coming to live with us " will die at that point. Further, once I don't go along with what H wants (SD12 spending extended time in my home for the summer), I suspect we will revert back to talk of separating again. Finally, and this is the crux of the "compromise solution", since H has already said he does not want to be separated from the boys, and H has already demonstrated a willingness to be relocate to be closer to his children since that is what he did in moving to this city with no family or friends to be closer to SD, I will simply suggest that H relocate to the city I live in with the boys to be closer to the boys, and then he can simply bring SD12 along to live with him in his own place, and then everyone gets what they want: SD gets to live with H and boys get to have their Daddy as a regular part of their lives the same way SD did!

Does this "compromise solution" seem "unreasonable"? Honestly, right now I feel like H's refusal of this "compromise solution" would only confirm what I already believe to be true, and that is that H believes that SD is somehow more "worthy" of H bending over backwards for than my boys are.