She's been in and out for the last 9 months but even on Christmas she cant help but blow her kids off.

We have asked her numerous times to stop making plans and promises to SS11 if she can't keep them. Even her sister has told her to stop. In fact her sister screen shotted texts between them where she tells BM that she either needs to be in her kids lives on a regular basis or she needs to leave them alone and sent them to SO and I.

So, on Friday she calls and promises SS11 a big Christmas with her, her sister and his elderly great uncle on Monday. She didn't even bother to try to see him or squeeze in a visit over the weekend because she has not communicated with anyone about Christmas until Friday afternoon.

She called on Christmas morning and re-iterated her plans for this big event and spoke to SO telling him she would get back to him about a drop off time. SO was off Monday so he was open to facilitate this.

She texted me at 2:02 to let me know she was figuring things out. 2 hours later I texted her asking what the deal was because SO was putting off going to see SD6 to give her her Christmas presents so thy he could get SS to this big party. It got to the point around 5 that he couldn't wait anymore or he'd miss visiting SD6. He went into SS11's room to explain e had to go, we hadn't heard from BM beyond the text and he would do what he needed to to get him to BM later. It freezing rained here and then warmed up-the roads are terrible.

Worrying that SO would end up taking SS11 back out after coming home from visiting SD (which I don't want holy anxiety batman), I texted BM's sister to see if BM even made any plans with her for today. She texted back and said BM got out of work at 6 and called her for a ride home from a city that's an hour and a half away from where she lives. BM's sister refused to going get her because of the roads and she was already half way home from picking up her own kids in the same city that BM was now in. She then said BM attempted to guilt trip her, but she didn't want to keep her kids out on the roads any longer than she had to.

She then explained to me, that the only reason BM would be where she was, was if she was with ex-BF (you know the guy that dumped her for getting a DWI in his car).

She literally chose attention from a guy that already kicked her to the curb (and rightfully so) over Christmas with her kids that SHE promised them. Or at least SS11 who asked to stay in his room and be left alone for the evening.

I told BM's sister how upset he was, and at the very least BM should call and break her own plans. 1-so maybe she'll think about it next time (probably not) and 2-SS11 won't have to worry that she's dead in a ditch somewhere and 3-so int have to explain this BS. SS perked up after her call, I imagined he may have even worried.

He later came out to the kitchen and said "this is the reason why I wish I still lived with mom. So I don't miss Christmas with her." And I said "I know buddy-but this isn't because you live here now, this is because mom needs to get her priorities straight." SO jumped in and backed me up. After SO left I asked him what the other reasons were that he wante to live with mom (because he'll tell me-he won't tell SO out of fear of hurting his feelings) and he said "well that's the only reason actually." I re-iterated there is nothing he could do or could have done that would have changed this. I told him, I made him look me in the eye which isn't easy for him (autism) and he stared dead at me when I told him that this isn't his fault. And he held it for way longer than I would have thought he could. To me, that says he IS blaming himself and I will be emailing his counselor.

I feel like I'm wrong for saying what I said about her priorities, but at this point neither SO or I know what to do. The counselor says we need to honest, but gentile about it. Does anyone have an opinion or advice on how too deal with this? I'll take anything ya got at this point because I don't know if we're f-in this up or not.