I have a strict rule: If you're going to be a part of my life you gotta be able to keep it funky. I tell it like it is, I'm careful not to be harsh, but honest only when my opinion is asked or if something seriously needs to be addressed for health and safety purposes. It's the social worker in me.

BM was supposed to come get SS yesterday. I didn't hear from her, DH didn't hear from her. She was posting pictures of her other son on facebook playing in the yard-so I assumed she wasn't working. They could be old. It still urked me since another month has passed and she hasn't seen and barely spoken to SS-who is starting to notice. He knows BM was supposed to pick him up because she told him, despite SO's repeated requests that she not do that.

SO was visiting SD at her mother's house. We still haven't crossed that bridge-but we will soon. One issue at a time. SD is still young, we all feel we need to ease her into visiting us at our home and let her lead to an extent. SD's BM, SO and I have the same views on this. BM has kept her circle small, she's an only child in that family-we're all ready for her to start making that transition/introduction once the renovations are finished.

Anyway. SS was sulky last night. I asked him if he wanted to call BM. For the first time in a long time he said yes. So I dialed the phone. I made myself scarce as I didn't want to talk to her. SO wasn't here.

I need better hiding spots. Or I need to just tell him I'll call her back. For once though, I was actually happy I took the call after all was said and done.

I need to remember to take interactions with her with a bucket load of salt. Maybe even a whole block of salt lick.

But it sucks. Sorting out genuine statements from the smoke that blows up my ass which lately could be mistaken for a chimney-really just drains me. Oof, I hope Santa doesn't get confused. I limit interaction with people who I can't tell the difference with because I don't have time for it, I don't care for it. I just don't. With SO trying to get us out of "Spaghetti Land"-(thanks Jasper)it's become more of a requirement since there's no service at the house. I need to buy a booster.

So....SS hands me the phone and I do my "yup, yup, ish, yup, okay" routine. Apparently she needs dental surgery. Okay. Fine. Whatever. I don't know why you're telling me this.

Then she said she's been going to counseling and doing a lot of reflecting. **makes Tim Taylor's Home Improvement noise**

Okay fine. I'll bite. And by bite I mean, sit silently on the other end. I don't know if I believe it.

Then she goes on to say she owes me a big apology. And a big thank you. She said she didn't know where SS would be if it weren't for me with SO working like he does and (her words exactly) "losing her shit". She said she owes him an apology too, because now that she's been working full time she understands how hard it can be to squeeze in weekend visitation. She went on to explain that she is going to tell the judge (court is next week) that she is okay with us having full physical custody with weekend visitation and alternate vacations like we requested. She said our home is more stable, it's better for SS and she knows it and that's why she's backed off.

This is all sounding way too good to be true. But I continue to listen.

She said she can't handle the 3 kids she has. She said it wasn't a decision at first to have them all stay with someone else but she knows she's in over her head and she can't live like that nor does she want them living like that.

At this point, I feel conflicted. When you're a parent you don't just get to decide "you can't do this anymore" and ship your kids off and wash your hands to it for a few months. It confuses them. It's not fair to them. When I was done I explained this. SS deserves answers only she can provide. I'm tired of telling him she's working and she loves him. She needs to tell him. She needs to call him and see him regularly. Working on yourself or not. It could be for an hour-just make it regular. On the other hand, she has not interfered much since SS's move. She said she didn't know what to do, she said she understands how SO shuts down when he knows he needs to face something that is daunting and difficult. She then said that's why we've barely heard from her. She's been avoiding it because of the guilt. Then she told me she knows this is what is best for her kids. And that to me is a pretty self-less thing to do-IF in fact it is genuine.

And that's where that "I can't trust you and I don't know if I believe you" creeps into my mind. I've given her an inch only to take a mile before. I've had to insert my foot into my mouth many a time giving her the benefit of the doubt. Is it true or is it smoke and mirrors? I just don't know. My heart wants to believe she means it. I've never given her a reason to lie to me, good, bad or indifferent just tell me the truth.

But she doesn't. I don't know if she can.

My brain knows better than to buy too far into this.

And between my heart and my brain sits a little glimmer of hope. I hope she means it. Time will tell. I don't like questioning people's motives. I don't like sorting through lies to find the truth. I won't do it.

So here I sit. Waiting.