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mom23ms's picture

Submitted by mom23ms on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 8:17am

So yesterday was my first night moved out and I never thought in a million years I would be "sad." I miss my SO so much but not his kids. He is under the impression if I come back "him and I" can help straighten out his kids. I think I have tried and I don't feel like it is my responsibility. I just can't put myself nor my BKs back in an environment where there is so much drama between everyone and his kids. Am I being unreasonable?

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on the fence's picture

Submitted by on the fence on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 11:36am

Hang in there, mom23. Give it time. I was so close to buckling so many times. I miss BF terribly and it was hell at first, but it's been a couple of months now and I'm doing soooooo much better. If enough time goes by and he does get a grip on his hellions, then maybe you have a chance. Meanwhile, focus on yourself and your own kids.

I know exactly how you feel. Don't give in too soon. You left for a reason, don't let your emotions get the best of you. take time to heal and see clearly. And think of your kids. Mine would KILL me if I went back to BF now.

That helps, I guess. Not that it's any of their business who I have in my life, but they really did not like the way he treated me at times. It does effect them, too.

mom23ms's picture

Submitted by mom23ms on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 11:57am

Thanks for all the wonderful support and comments. SO wants me to come back and though I have been quite emotional, I've been keeping busy (though I do have my moments.) I want HIM to work on his kids. They need their FATHER. He is not going ever going to be able to have a relationship with his kids if they keep running them off. I am very disappointed in him because he hasn't had the kids come over in awhile because of the tension and he has off today. I did text him and say "hey since you have to work a double shift for the next few days, today would be a great day to go and have lunch with SD #2 and SD #3 and that it would be a nice surprise for them. He replied he didn't want to. So I suggest he go to the school then and talk to their counselors (because he has been putting it off and it needs to be done.) He replied "okay" but who knows if he goes. I am always pushing him to show some initiative with his kids and he just doesn't have any interest. But when it came to my BKs he jumped at the chance to go have lunch with them or see a class play.

But I guess because he doesn't do things like that for his kids usually (unless I pushed him), perhaps he feels guilty so that justifies the non discipline or just figures it's easier to let them run the place instead of setting boundaries and consequences.

Regardless, I need to have the mindset of "I don't want to be with a man who doesn't parent." And if I stuck around it was only going to get worse. Him wanting to help him try to "fix" his kids isn't the answer because I did for those kids as if they were mine and treated them with love and respect (even when they didn't deserve it.) So I think I "did my part" in trying. I can only do so much for so long.

mommylove's picture

Submitted by mommylove on Tue, 02/08/2011 - 8:22am

I know how you feel. My stbxH just told me lastnight that he finally has plans in place that will hopefully have him out by the end of this month (his words.) Of course a few hours later he was asking if we could go see a counselor again, but this time I just ignored him. Honestly if I thought seeing a counselor again, even a different counselor would actually help us then yes, I would be willing to do it, but since I pretty much decided months ago that this was over for me, and essentially not much has changed in H's actual behavior to change my mind on this, we are past the point where counseling would be anything more than a waste of money IMO.

However, like you, I already feel very sad at the thought of H leaving. Of course I know this is not really about actually wanting H to stay or "saving" our marriage or family, but more about just the extreme discomfort that comes with knowing that our lives are about to drastically change, and that would be scary and unsettling for anyone. So, thanks to this site as well as a couple others I am a member of (one specifically geared towards single parents and one specifically geared towards divorcees) I have tried my best to prepare myself for feeling this way and have only recently (past month) been able to stay strong and stick to my decision because I know that it really is the best decision for us right now and I know things will be better for all of us later.