the best I have on this one is to get DH on board with you. My DH told the girls when we were engaged that I will be his wife and he will always believe me. If I tell him something he will always believe me and disrespect is never going to be tolerated.

He has to believe you and back you and administer consequences. You have to nip disrespect in the bud. If you feel you are giving beyond your means, stop doing it for awhile, go do something for yourself.

Never overreact or say bad things about their mom. Always respond in love, that doesn't mean be a doormat, it is loving to discipline a child. Do what is best for them and try not to take everything so personally. Try to remember you are someone he can emotionally distance himself from and if he's mad at mom or dad you can easily become the target.

Give him your best and if it's not good enough in the end at least your conscience is clean.

i've refused to be around the skids without dh there at times both parents will manipulate them some way not always on purpose either

In my case it was MIL (she raised SD till we got her) who turned SD against me. We got along great at first. Then Dh and I got married and the skids went to spend 6 weeks of the summer with her (she lives in a diff state). Well, she came back with a serious chip on her shoulder and mad attitude. MIL had been bad mouthing me the whole time about how I didn't really love her, no one loves her like her daddy and her, that I loved ss more than her, that if I have my own baby ill forget about her, how things would be so much better for her if she still lived there, how I was mean for enforcing rules ect ect. I figured that is just keep doing what I do, and she will come around again. That she would realize that her gma was wrong, that I do care for her..... But the damage was done. I gave it my best effort for years before I just gave up on having a relationship with her again.

I drink. And I hide. I also have a heavy bag in the garage that I beat the shit out of on occasion.
Seriously, though, I deal with the same thing. I pay attention to what the skids like and go out of my way to have/do those things for them. Just had ss9's bday a few weeks ago. I got the decorations, made sure the house was decorated the night before the party so he could be surprised when dh brought them home. I did all the food, got the bday cake and got ss a little individual cheesecake because it's his favorite...Not ONE SINGLE 'thank you' or 'awesome' or anything. That was a pretty loud slap in the face. The BM has made sure that the skids always have it in the front of their mind that my son and I aren't their 'real' family. Then dh wants me to pick them up without him, or take time off of work to keep them on school vacations when he's working. I don't even think so. It sucks because dh and my son have a bond, but the skids are always quick to throw out a 'MY daddy' or 'my REAL brother'. When they grow up will they appreciate the fact that I take care of them and am always kind to them? Will they appreciate my family for accepting them as their own? Probably not. But I guess then at least they'll have their bitter wench of a mother to feel sorry for themselves with.

I have already raised 2 skids from my first marriage and they mean the world to me. It wasn't always easy and it took me years to develop a connection with the oldest one, but it all turned out well. Of course, their Mother didn't have a personality disorder and didn't warp their little minds against me. Now I have SD7 and I just accepted the fact that it would take some time to build a relationship with her. Then, last summer, she confided to a friends' daughter that BM and BM's parents told her that I hated her and that if she was mean to me and her step brothers, we would all go away and her daddy would come back to live with her. I thought I'd heard it all, guess not. Needless to say, I was crushed. How do you compete with brainwashing? You can't. So I just continue to be the only stepmother I know how to be. She gets no concessions or special treatment because I want her to love me and vice versa. She has to be a kind and decent member of the family before any concessions are made. And since she chooses to believe the awful things BM tells her, it looks like it will be a long time before she sees the light at the end of the tunnel. Sad, but true.

When Bm is in the picture. I see a difference in the way SS acts towards me. I don't know if Bm has out and out said bad things about me. But I knows she(BM) has said things like I'm your momma and not her(SM). I(BM) love you more than anyone in the world. My ss is very smart and has already caught his BM in lies. SO I think he sees whats really going on even if he doesn't have words to express how he feels. My ss tells me that he loves me and I tell him I love him daily. I'm very lucky to have a very sweet ss.