#1. You think I am super gunning for marriage. Wrong-o. I feel safe here in my maiden state because I know in the back of my head that if or when you become a less than ideal partner (increasingly) I can bail, tires squealing, dogs in tow, cackling all the way.

#2. I desperately want a child with you. Incorrect. I want a child. In a few years. After the stress and trauma of raising your children has worn off. With someone. Doesn't have to be you. I could take it or leave it. *looks bored*

#3. I am super thrilled to be spending quality time together where your ass is implanted on the couch and we discuss Christina Aguilera's massive weight loss on the voice. Wrong. Before you I used to do that thing with books - no not firewood. READ. Typically words are printed on them thar bookz.

#4. I am nicer to BM than you are because I now understand some of the reasons why she treated you like shit. We just approach things different she and I. She cheats and cries herself to sleep. I abuse you, and speak my mind. Loudly.

#5. Your children loooove spending time with you by playing by themselves in a remote corner of the house while you watch tv. <--- self explanatory. Which is why I cannot leave for a night without them hearing the door crack open when I get home and bum rush me to talk to me. It's called listening. Its hard to do with 4 people but ya know that's life.

#6. I love that blank stare you give me while I'm talking to you that you refer to as "listening". It isn't, I'm not dumb.

#7. I enjoy raising 4 kids on my own. Not so much. Which explains why while you sit on your ass-spot on the couch I am busy planning for my future. Either with or without you in it.

#8. I am SUPER excited to not work and be a SAHM whilst happily living off your paycheck. BWAHAHAHAHAAAA. I'd rather work at a fucking DAYCARE than be at home with children all day. Counter-intuitive I know but at least there are other women and adults there and I get paid.

#9. I love all of your fabulous opinions about my fashion sense, decorating ideas or craft projects. Not in the least Armani. Keep your commentary to yourself cuz I don't want to hear that shit! And you wondered why I remodeled the kitchen decor while you were at work. Whine some more about my shitty taste in shoes. Last time I checked you weren't getting any compliments on your sketchers bro.

#10. I love you so much that I have no deal breakers. Reality cheeeeck! If you are a shitty B/F you'll be a shitty husband. I'm not a genius but ya that one hasn't escaped me. I don't need a degree to figure that out. Keep that in mind while you're busily breaking in the ass-spot with gusto.

#11. I think it's awesome that you believe just showing up at home is enough for everyone. I have news. It's heartbreaking. Living simply in your presence does not in fact cut it princess. It's called being involved. I know. You worked a long day. Get over it or give your kids up for adoption. *side note* Do not complain to me because you haven't a frogs fart of an idea as to what the kid's schedule is or where they are supposed to be and when. Its called survival of the fittest. If you can't keep up you get left behind. I don't care if they're your loin products or not.

#12. I will not be "available" to and for you forever. Thanks for keeping me in mind when you made pot roast (my fav) last night! That was incredibly sweet. Know what wasn't sweet? Getting so shit faced you couldn't go to work Monday than showing up to pick up the kid at daycare after your long hard day on the couch and telling me "I really wish you would've done something today". Alll because I didn't pay the two bills your royal highness requested. I keep forgetting. Who took the kids home and put them to bed so you could drink with your friend? Who came back to get your drunk ass and ended up going to bed at 2am after you ran away from me squealing cuz you wanted to stay and play pool? Who got up at 7am to get the kids to school whilst you were too hungover? Who then worked a full shift at 11am AND took the kid to daycare while you played pity party on the couch. Oh wait, that was ME! Forgive me for being a little less than grateful for your pot roast peace offering, but you aren't winning any brownie points and frankly I'm adding them alllll up. One day very very soon you will be receiving what is known as a wake up call. It doesn't come with complimentary child care.

#13. Your attitude sucks ass. So does mine. Cuz yours does, and I am to blame for everything always.

#14. If I ever leave you I am taking the dogs and your car. I don't give a fuck. Try and take it back. You can't get the title either dumbass! This will give you the opportunity to buy that puppy for your kids that you promised them 3 years ago and never bought. See, I was thinking ahead for you!

#15. I have bags under my eyes too early for my age and it is your fault. Rather your children's fault. But so you know, that's why they are there.

#16. If you wanted a doormat you should've kept BM. I gave you that opportunity when I dumped you during your divorce so you could "find your way". Just remember if I give you a second opportunity you'd better have something lined up cuz good things don't come back twice.

#17 I do love you but you're working my last nerve with your bullshit.