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Dealing with crazy BM for too long!

Midwest Stepmom's picture

I am a new blogger and really new at discussing my "issues" via internet. Just a little background on the story. BM and BF (my now husband) dated for a month in high school, and she became pregnant. DH changed his college plans to stay in the local area to be with son. They married and 2 years into the marriage she cheated on him, claiming he was not there emotionally there for her (DH was a fulltime student and working 2 jobs). DH stayed with BM for another 6 months trying to make it work, he eventually filled for divorce. He moved in with him mom to complete final year of college, she moved in with the BF and was pregnant (DH had to sign paperwork claiming this new child was not his, how embarrassing as a women).

DH and I started dating, he told me he had baggage, guess i did not think it was this much. Our relationship moved pretty fast and we moved into an apartment together. She told DH that i was not to be left alone with SS (age 4 at the time) because he told BM i sexually abused. She called CPS on me, investigation was done, no charges were found. Crazy thing was she needed an emergency babysitter a week later and asked if I could watch SS, really?

DH graduated form college and we moved south for his career, he paid his child support religiously and has never been in arrears. had to get a court order to allow SS to attend our wedding. DH had the opportunity 4 years later to move back home with his company as a promotion. dealing with her every other weekend, holidays, and summer vacation is a nightmare.

She has SS referring to DH by his first name when he is not around and calling her partner daddy. SS will only speak to me only if i ask him a question. Good thing is my DH has never given her extra money and when she wants to pull something he shows her the custody agreement and threatens with calling the lawyer.

She is a sad story of a female, she has 5 kids all together, the oldest is SS. lives in a 2 bedroom trailer, her husband is "disabled" yet he can continue to make babies? she only works parttime, and uses the system for everything. She gets free daycare paid by the state, why does she need daycare when her husband sits at home all day? she never did anything to better her life, never graduated from college. She only gets 6 more years of CS and then its done, curious how she is going to live.

Some days I think she is jealous of our life we have built together and regretting her decisions on cheating. both DH and I are college graduates making over 6 figures for our household, this is good considering we live in a state that the median household income is $35,000. We bought a brand new house and new cars. DH and I will be together for 8 years now and we are finally expecting our first together. we played it smart and made sure we could financially take care of this child and really make sure our marriage is lasting before bringing another life into this world.

Comments

Midwest Stepmom's picture

When it comes time for SS12 to make adult decisions I hope he makes the right ones. I however believe he will end up on public assistant like his mother. We have the college fund for him, but he will not see a dime of that is he does not attend college. If he doesnt attend college well then he cant live here. DH and I get into arguments over this, he says all I'm worried about is money and how SS will impact it. Of course I am! I match my DH salary, so literally half of everything is mine. I came from nothing as a child, I had a Welfare Queen of a mother. Everything I have now, I worked hard. Its not easy to attend college fulltime and working fulltime.

I think any child should be grateful that parents would be willing to help out financially if they made the right decisions - College.

Midwest Stepmom's picture

Some days I do take a step back and feel bad for this child. He is only acting this way because of BM, he doesn't want to upset the custodial parent because its a survival technique (PAS). My mom did this to me, but i guess i "grew some balls".

Some days I wish CPS could be called for bad parenting. He always comes to our house in clothes that are too small, major flood waters. So we make him change right away before doing anything. We also want to wash everything he brings with because we are not sure what else he is bringing with. He always smells of B.O., so right away he has to take a shower as well. SS12 is made to share a room with his brother 4, and he tells us he never gets to bed early enough. He said BM and her husband had to sleep in the living room for few months because there room was too messy.

BM is also not helping in the "school" aspect either. A few years ago, she claimed SS was mentally disabled, a bus will pick up a child out of the school district to bring them to a different school if they are classified as this (also BM got extra state support). SS was reevaluated and they found that he was well functioning child for his age and will not be extending the bus route anymore. This would have made BM or her husband to drive him to and from school - mind you they dont work. She decided this would not work and pulled him out of that school with only 2 weeks left till summer vacation and put him in a different school.

Being only 25, I can remember very well how kids are in school, and I know he is getting bullied. Wish i could have done something to have helped, but after 8 years I have become totally disengaged with this child.

MarselleB's picture

Yep sounds like the bm we used to have, kid is grown now. She was a real loser to, but be forewarned. Your own kids as they get older probably won't want that kid around. Ours didn't, he was just a interloper, not his fault but often the case. He grew up in a different environment, and we had the big house..same story pretty much.

He stopped coming around pretty much once he turned 13, and it solved all the problems. Like your husband, mine dated this loser so sad to say it was a drive by kid. Happens, but reality is your own kids together will be more of a bonding thing. I can already see by your post, and it might be best for your family if this exes kid doesn't come all that much. Keep your fingers crossed, and don't leave your child alone with him.

The influence from his trailer life may not be good as he gets older, so keep your eye out; and good luck.

Midwest Stepmom's picture

SS is 12 and our first BioS will be here in April, good thing there is a large gap in age. There is little to no interaction between me and SS, I'm only 25 and I haven't mastered "mothering" a teenager. I do not enjoy how he treats my husband. SS will ignore DH throughout the two weeks he is not with us. DH wants to be very active in SS life and be able to call him once a week. That stopped a few years ago. I get angry because SS will not step up to his BM, who is usually calling the shots.

DH tries to over compensate when he is with us by buying him whatever his new fad is. When we lived in SoCal he would take him to Disney, LegoLand, Waterparks - all withing a week of visitation.

I just keep my distance because of what happened with the BM calling CPS 7 years ago, its traumatizing, and I have a little one on the way that I need to worry about. When he is here I move my schedule around at work and work the weekends just to avoid him. counting down the days until CS stops.