Step sons drive me insane
I feel SO bad for saying so, but I really dont know where or how to express. My husband has to sons, 8 & 4. They are bad. We have them every other wkd and some wk nights. Not as much as my DH would like. But its truly enough for me. I do love them, so please dont get that twisted and have their best interest at heart. But their mother's influence and issues are pushed onto the boys. Their mother has no respect for things and doesnt clean her apt and lets her cat piss everywhere. The boys reak when they come to our house. I keep a clean, tidy house and expect that they respect our house and our things when they come there. I have expensive furniture and things around my house and I want to keep them nice. My DH and I turned our finished basement into a play room for them. It has a TV, computer, Xbox, toys along with walls and their own couch. They can kick balls or do whatever down there, there is nothign to break. Their mother lives in a tony 2 bedroom apt with her convict b/f and his 2 children, yes 6 ppl in a 2 bedroom apt. We've been dealing with the courts on this matter!! She owned a house and let it go b/c she doesnt pay her bills but makes over $60K a yr. Anyway, the boys are out of control adn they are much better at our house b/c my DH is strict and wants them to grow into respectable adults. We agree on dispcline and what we expect from the kids, but they get on my nerves so bad. I cant wait for them to leave most wkds. Again I feel so bad for saying so, but they dont fully listen to me b/c I'm not their mother. And when they are here, I feel like their maid and cook and I dont want to feel that way in my home. My DH and I want to have a child in the next few yrs and maybe I will be able to tolerate them more once I have one of my own?!
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Ok first let me say I'm
Ok first let me say
I'm sorry your situation is so tough. Little boys are really difficult to deal with in so many ways. Having them as stepchildren makes it even harder to deal with the basics of boys.
Second (and I hate to be the speaker of bad news) it most likely won't improve when you and DH have children together. Their behavior could possibly become worse and then you could be more ill-equiped to handle the stress due to having your own little one to look after. Then the mommy-tiger protectiveness will come out in addition to the stepmotherly frustration you're already feeling. Honestly honey if I were you...I'd put off having children with this man until the situation with the boys improves.
unfortunately BM will do what she's going to do in regard to these children. The best thing you can do is continue communicating in a non-threatening way with your DH and work together with the children when they're in your home.
Good luck...I hope it gets better for you.
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Thanks for the advice. Yes
Thanks for the advice. Yes thats why we are holding off a few yrs. And thankfully DH and I have great communucation and I let him know how I feel and vice versa and he has great patience with me when I get super frustrated with them. I just dont feel like their is a positive outlet and than I found this website and its a great place for me to vent and not feel so judged but saying they drive me nuts and his ex drives me nuts!
Boys are rambunctious and
Boys are rambunctious and all over the place all the time anyways. I have 5 brothers and 3 nephews. They are always into something and playing, running, jumping, tearing stuff up, all the dang time. Especially if their time is not structured.
I hope they will get better at your home - they will calm down a bit the older they get. But my mom used to structure our time. Reading, playing, eating, cleaning, quiet, napping and sleeping was all on a schedule most days (there are 7 of us - 5 boys 2 girls) so it was pure hell if it was not structured.
Hopefully things will work out best for your and DH. I think it may get worse if you have kids of your own... they may get jealousy issues from their mom and then that will play out for a while too.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
OMG isnt that the truth. My
OMG isnt that the truth. My niece can sit and play by herself for hrs and they cant even do that for 5 mins w/o claiming to be bored or whatever. I try and do crafts with them or coloring. And they will for about 10 mins and than want to play video games which is a whole other issue! They tell us, they want us to have a baby and have a lil sister. But I'm NOT, not going to have a child just b/c it may affect them. I've always wanted to be a mother and I know that may sound selfish, but why should I give that up just b/c my husband had children with another person. I just never realized things could be SO tough!
How long have you and your
How long have you and your DH been together?
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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
A lil over 3 yrs
A lil over 3 yrs
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Yeah we made charts and they
Yeah we made charts and they worked good for awhile and than it became a joke to the 8 yr old and the 4 yr old followed suit. THANKFULLY, DH is very strict and does yell and discipline them and tells him what he wont accept. It's just very frustrating. This site is giving me sanity right now, that I'm not a horrible step mom. I'm glad other ppl have been where I'm at. I've read quite a few posts and many ppl have it much worse than me with unsupportive hubby's! Like he NEVER leaves the kids with me without triple checking that I'm okay with it and I never mind watching them if he has a commitment or needs to do something. We do have a lot of fun with the kids and they arent bad ALL the time. We are an a pretty active couple and we take the boys to the park and spend time outdoors as much as possible. We try to show them as many aspects of life as we can afford. Than their mother accuses him of being a "disneyland dad". But we dont think a 8 and 4 yr old should be playing video games 10 hrs a day. It got so bad, that they werent allowed to play at our house b/c thats the ONLY thing they wanted to do!!! UGh...their mother is a whole other topic!!!
The good news here is that
The good news here is that you said you and your DH are able to communicate well about these issues, right? Ok- score one for you!
More good news: you said that your DH is strict and WANTS them to grow into respectable adults? OK- score two.
Now, here's some PRACTICAL information for you in how to better your situation:
*As other posters have said, get a list of "House Rules" that are important to you and your DH. These could be things like:
*No jumping on the good furniture
*Take shoes off in the house
*No yelling in the house
*No food or drinks (other than water) in the bedrooms
Go over the list with the boys. These are not YOUR rules- they are "House Rules". So if they are broken, YOU (SM) are not the "bad guy" if a consequence needs to be enforced.
*Enforce consequences if a rule is broken and let them know BEFOREHAND what they are, i.e, "No tv or video games for 24 hours". And ENFORCE the consequences EACH AND EVERY TIME- NO EXCEPTIONS.
*And here's a big point to make. You said BM is a negligent parent- she doesn't really care. Ok- no big deal. And here's the point...
"Parent regardless of HOW BM does or doesn't parent."
YOU and DH parent in your home as if BM did not exist. YOU and DH set rules and consequences while the boys are with you. What happens in you home stays in your home. And you have NO CONTROL over what happens at BMs (sad to say, but true). But you do have tremendous control over making your home a peaceful and respectful place to live when the boys are there.
And they will come to recognize the EXTREME difference very quickly. And later (much later) they will very much appreciate you and your DH for it!
Hope this helps!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Great advice...gonna talk to
Great advice...gonna talk to hubby about making house rules tonight and enforce them on Thursday when they come back to us. Let's see how this goes!!! THANKS ALL!!!