My immediate story/issue:

I just turned 29, and have been in a 6 year relationship with a single father, who's son lives with us.

BM is a bit of a grifter. I only know the legend, put together with pieces of stories from BF and others. If she could focus for a few days the woman should seriously write a book. I believe her story includes everything from first child in early teens was a product of rape, to hit by a bus, to prostituted her way to California and back. They met, messed around a couple times, and a month or three later she's calling from a womens shelter and saying, "I'm having your baby and putting it up for adoption." So of course he marries her and puts his son, life, future, family, etc. through around 5 years of hell. She now lives with her current husband - an ultimately decent guy who was already struggling with the responsible adult gig and then knocked up her - and their son in various rental homes across the state, living on disability and sending ss home smelling like an ash tray.

Fortunately, she is at least somewhat aware of her reliability issues and ss lives with us. not quite two years into our relationship BF gets a letter from DFS, regarding another ex girlfriend (FROM THE SAME YEAR SS WAS CONCEIVED). He is so convinced its not his and she's just trying to score another year of state support (in MO you have to keep declaring fathers, as the state picks up your support tab until they can find the babydaddy to pay the bill) we involve my attorney mother in helping him through the mess. He goes for the test, countless, absuive discussions with DFS, and guess what? He's a Daddy again! Two six year olds from two lunatic mothers created the same year. I likes me a stud. So for nearly a year he is paying over half his monthly income to back support, current support, medical account, then additional deduction to cover insurance. He attempted to meet and relate to the new child, but when he went to pick him up, found the kid in a marajuana-stinking household, covered in filth, and realized he was probably the third or fourth man to be introduced to this boy as "Daddy". It took her six years of naming fathers just to find out it was him. Classy. In less than two years he has successfully made himself completely financially depended on me. The support has since reduced to regular monthly, but its still crippling (she hides her income cleaning houses for cash and selling drugs, and just try to get DFS involved, they do NOTHING). He has yet to tell SS about his OTHER brother, so Im waiting for the family meltdown. And he thought he was done hating himself when he dropped out of college to take care of his son because mother #1 took off to be a porn star.

Its around this time that I am finally successful in pushing him to complete the divorce papers. Yes, he and BM were still married, when we met and two years in. What can I say, I like a project. I write the divorce, buy the base paperwork online, edit it, then ask for attorney mom's help in finishing it off, what a great way to get your mom to know your new boyfriend, "Hi Mom! Meet So-n-So! Would you help me write his divorce from his psychotic estranged wife?" Nice. ***They had been estranged for almost a year prior to our meeting, but yes, I know, Im an idiot. I pay to file it, we go through two hearings and almost a year of messing around and finally he's a single man.

After that it was his mission in life for us (aka me) to buy a house. His excitement and pressure to buy, possibly at a desperate attempt to rebuild his life, nearly broke us up. Here I am already in an incredibly uncomfortable relationship that for some reason I still want and now Im being forced to lay my credit and future on the line for someone else who has committed too many errors in their life to be able to even live independently without me. We settle on a place in the same school district that was forclosed, nearly kill ourselves getting it put back together, and now here we are.

At this point, SS is 11 and we have been living here for over 2 years. SS has his father's attitude - I should quanify: when I met BF's mother, my future inlaw, for the first time, she described her own son as an A$$ H()le, knowitall, and the only thing that humbled him was having to deal with having a son. Anybody keeping a tally of how stupid I am at this point? The only difference is that in this case, SS has BF's tude along with BMs creativity, disintrest in expanding the knowledge to become a know-it-all yet still acting like one, emotional issues, and knack for the dramatic.
I am VERY strict, mildly OCD - have a survivor/control complex from my own experience (father developed schizophrenia during my early teans)- and was raised in a family of children speak when spoken to, are not seen or heard unless requested, respect their elders without question, and are taught poise, culture, manners, and the value of a continued education, marriage and love before children, small families, etc.

And we honestly thought it was a good idea to blend a person like me into this situation? Im still waiting for the sitcom offers to start.

BF does agree with my tactics or outlook, has a massive guilt complex towards his son, and a fear of taking some of the necessary steps in raising a child. It took me over 5 years of Foot-In-Butt to get both of these men to the doctor for an annual checkup, and to get BF in the process of relocating all of SS's immunization records - BM once took off with them and former doctor was unlocatable. He is still a loving and respected father, and SS is a GOOD KID. He gets straight As, enjoys school, plays well with others, etc. But he is disrespectful to me, BF allows it, stating "Well you talk to him that way, so how can I tell him not to talk to you that way?" BECAUSE HE"S TALKING TO ME LIKE A DISCIPLINARIAN, AND IM SUPPOSED TO TALK TO HIM LIKE THAT WHEN BEING A DISCIPLINARIAN IS NECESSARY!! HE'S DOING IT TO BE RUDE AND WIN BATTLES!!! THATS WHY!!!!!!! Ehem. I am a neat freak and our home is somewhat rural. He tends to collect trash, crap, and candy wrappers in his room, and deliberately makes it an impassable sty = bugs where we live, thus instant conflict. BF has finally started taking my side on THAT. SS was also the first grandchild and the rest of the family was relied on for support care, and they are all natural child lovers. As a result he is rather spoiled, has always tried to speak like an adult, and interjects himself as the star of every situation, gathering, conversation, etc. appropriate or not. Um, trying to discuss your grandma's cancer surgery and bankruptcy here, kid, scram.

On my side, I am relatively OCD, controlling, anal, PARANOID about money, my finances and credit score are my most cherished posessions, and really havent ever LIKED children. Ive always thought about and slightly wanted ONE of my own, but am always waffling between a baby or just getting a dog. I NEED quiet at least for a while every day, and have a justice coplex that runs the success of my career and causes me to feel massive hurt in my home. I want things to be in their place, and be nice, pleasing, etc. to outsiders and guests. Every major decision I make is a serious undertaking, and I analyze to the atom when something serious comes up. I am also a bit of a romantic. I want the fairy tale princess dressup when you were 8 wedding. I want the meaningful ring and flowers and cards, etc. So far Ive gotten one boquet during our entire relationship, I still have it dried in a drawer waiting to be framed. Not only am I feeling the burn of dying romance, but Im also in an age and physical period where the bodily forms of romance are losing their appeal. We have a fantastic physical love life, but I cant find a reason to even start anymore. Once we do its novel-great, then its another three weeks or even months before I feel the need. Biology + emotional situation = sex drive of a galapagos land tortise. The guilt from this and pressure I feel from him, intentionally or not, is an added element that is less than helpful to our situation. Yet Im still here, very deeply in love and looking doe-eyed at the next day, hoping it will be better. I must really, really, really, really love this guy.

So, at the moment, here is the situation: BF has finally come to the point where he knows its time to Marry. Note: NOT because of altruistic reasons, he does love me. When we first got serious he said he wouldnt mind having several children with me, I said um, how bout one or a dog, he smilingly said sure. After two illigitamate suprizes and one that reminds him of every failure he's ever made on every paycheck for the next 7 years, he of course changed his interest in children. My immediate reaction was silent, but obvious (YOU GIVE TWO HORRID, WRETCHED WOMEN YOUR CASUAL SEED TO MAKE POTENTIALLY GOOD CHILDREN AND SCRAMBLE THEIR LITTLE HEARTS AND BRAINS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES AND YOU WONT EVEN CONSIDER GIVING ONE TO ME, MUCH LESS A RING?!?!?) So he interpreted this as, Id better hurry up and marry her so at least if she does get her way and has a kid it wont be when Im too old = his family tends to die at around 60. His thought was, Ive had kids way too young, its aged me considerably, and Im done. We are struggling into SS's tean years and I am waiting for this spoiled, attitude-full, drama king to explode into 16 year old supernova. I have been feeling the lack of romance a little too acutely and am starting to lose hope. All three of us most likely need mental health treatment. BF refuses to sign his son up for free counceling at his school - "he had to go through it the first year he was there and they said he was fine, why should he need it now?" (BECAUSE HE WAS SIX THEN, THATS WHY!!!!) BF also doesnt see the use in his own treatment, and wont even ask for meds from his doctor, though welbutrin would be a double whammy of a mild, easy to deal with anti depressant, the same med I am on so we can treat together and compare in case of issues, and will help him quit smoking (which has been another issue of mine from the get go - he quit for over a year, then we bought the house and the stress of the rebuild caused him to pick it back up again).

The interesting part is that when I read through the above, this doesnt even cover the half of it. The 2 hours late, flea-covered, unfed visition pickups. The sometimes stunningly nuts inlaws - on both sides. The specific SS incidents that leave me worried for his immenent safety (why you little. . . !). The attitude and emotional conflicts in every relationship that are amplified by the special situation we have put ourselves in. The good things that have been built and done. I realize, at least somewhat, the ridiculous position we are in, what I have done to make things worse, and it will take a lifetime to improve, if ever. I ask myself every day if this is where I want to be, am I just staying because I need someone to mow our several acre lawn, have we disintegrated to simple roomates at this point, will this be a successful relationship or am I just waiting to get married, get the life insurance, and for him to die at 50 when my family still tends to be attractive, and start over again?

The doubt and daydreams will always be there - no matter how successful the relationship and family, so I know better than to expect TV type bliss, but is it really so hard to make the functioning partnership all the psychologists talk about? Do those people even exist? Marie Antionette loved the pastoral countryside and romantic simplicity of the farm life, however when her farm was built, it was staffed to the gills with maintenance, constantly cleaned and scented for her enjoyment, and the sheep were even dyed to match her dress - causing much frustration among the servants when she would have a fashion crisis and change two or three times! To boot, it ultimately ended in her head on a pike.

How much of the average step mom's hopes and dreams are realistic? And how much are pink and blue sheep?

Would I rather just have the sheep?

Thank you.

Thanks Goforit! And Im sure you're right, though I have a feeling it'll be another 25 years before I realize it

I'm not much of one for ass kissing, but he has made himself rather indespensible. Our house was in dire shape when we bought it, and since he already started growing up poor and then became such a fantastic decision maker, he's had to become a very handy jack of all trades. I'll have to get a summary up about him pretty soon, after six years so far, he's still worth it.
It wasnt so much convincing him to marry, he's always been up for that. The first issue was just a matter of getting him un-married (anybdoy want a Missouri divorce? With Kids! For you, 20 bucks). Another issue is that he's the more, hey we're both off of work early lets go visit the courthouse, where as Im the more, is two days too long of a ceremony, and how much do lightening bugs and butterflies cost per hundred? kind of girl. The other issue is that he knows he's on the hook to at least try for kids. I'm in no rush to marry. I could wait another ten years before getting itchy about marraige and kids n such, while he's trying not to see his biological sun set. So he lit a fire under his heels and we made the deal that we will try to have a sensible yet pleasant ceremony, and will try towards a kid for one year, discuss continuing after that year if there is no success, and if we decide not to continue hes getting me a pupppy. And just so everybody knows my waffling is still going strong, Ive already picked out the breed, color and sex. (female rotweiler or Belgian tevuren with a black smoke coloration!! EEEEE!!! )

Its also apparently a family trait, one that really hasnt left the women of my kind the best of love lives, but I dont hear any regrets. I think one of my aunts has been known to make the comment, "When I'm done with a man they just shrivel up and die. . . " While this does make her one of my heroes ;-), its also telling. My mother and grandmother both told me that we like "interesting" men. Unfortunately, interesting usually comes with a reason. Boring he is most definitely not. He's also brilliant, creative, witty, handy, good looking and handsome, and charming, and no family history of mental illness ;-). If it werent for all his faults I dont think Id be able to stand him, because then with all his talents he'd be perfect, and that would be irritating as hell. And then Id have to kill him, and Id only be able to update this blog once a week after three months of good behavior and cleaning my aluminum toilet.

That and Im thinking we are both taking care of each other. If it werent for SS I dont think we'd ever really fight. Its less complicated than it feels, but looking at it in an essay form, it seems huge. Even to me. Fortunately Ive found you folks, so Im also hoping if I get too wrapped up in the Dra-Maa, or am legitimately WRONG, one of you will kindly come and nail my feet to the laminate. I just wrapped up another year of therapy but was running up against a wall so Ive taken a break, and the journal just wasnt cutting it. When I saw this place and thought about how I could use it to keep from committing a felony, if not actually find a healthy equilibrium, I leapt. Thank you Windee and Natural Mom for making my first forray here welcoming, and thank you goforit, for the well wishes and good sense! I need it!

I will try to keep up here, I want to share my therapy experiences because its sounding like some of the treatments I have tried might be helpful to some and some step children too (stressers and PTSD'ers, ask me about EMDR). I also really want to get more into what all the other step moms have going on out there. You ladies have built quite a shelter from the storm, not to mention a powwow in the works.

Thank you!
MA

Of course not, Silly Sensible People.

So, not sure if anyone can pick out from my previous excessive use of adjectives, but beween the syllables, I tend to have an anger/sarchasm problem. Of course, its occasionally enflamed by little moments with SS, who is blossoming into 11-dome like the sass bucket he so wishes to become. And Id complain more - I think I went most of the year of 10 to 12 completely silent with the occasional Marcel Marceau moves to get the gravy passed - but Ive become a bit of a sass bucket, and that would be the pot calling the kettle a bucket.

Its the visitation what's done it. BM recently decided that since her household is on disability, they may as well go to school on the citizen's dime and finish off that education she was sooo devoted to in her youth. While this is a great idea and I really get the feeling my tax dollars are going to be put to great use here, the way this scheme is being executed is a bit irritating. We live near a major US city. When they were sifting through schools (and telling us none of this by the way), did they select one of the gads of schools available here? In town? Near home? Even an hour from home? Or one of the sattelite offices for one of those gads of schools? Of course not, silly sensible people. They select a school on the edge of the state and somewhere between 2 and 3 hours away. We picked him up on a Sunday, she says, "Oh, we're moving Wednesday", and then we hear not hide nor hair for two or three weeks. Finally we get an email from BM's husband, SF, (NOT BM), letting us know they are still interested in visitation and wanted to reduce the every other schedule to once or so a month for the sake of travel and economy. Am I suprised by any of this? Should we be even remotely shocked by the weeks of silence? Of course not, Silly Sensible People (right about here is where I figured out this will be the subject for this blather, and where I decided to devote attention to using this phrase as much as possible, let the running gag begin).

But am I irritated? Of course. Because Im a selfish snot and the more time SS spends at home the more my mercury rises spot by spot. Its not entirely his fault, and it certainly wasnt his decision to live with a woman who is anal retentive, a neat freak, focused, demanding, and sharp, but thats how the dice fell so here we go. I really benefitted from the every other weekend of no kid, and was able to plan a dinner out, a movie at home for grown ups, or just getting some of that partnership work done around the house and home thats constantly waiting. He's just, there. All the time. Existing where Im trying to sweep. Its unnerving.

Its also incredibly unhelpful to know in his oversized head (is there anything more amusingly shaped than a prepubescant male?) he knows this is all totally normal and he shouldnt expect any more than this from his own mother. Of course he's a tad sensitive about it, we had to get him a pay by use phone (since on several occasions during his visits to his mom and others it turns out HE is the most functional adult in the room), and he turned it on the second he realized we had given his mom his phone number. No, silly sensible people, she hasnt called. In the email from SF, he said BM wanted to know when SS would be online more often so she could talk to him through facebook. While I appreciate the sentiment, and this would be a functional way for them to communicate, Ive seen some of the things she posts on facebook, and Im not exactly hip to him getting post notifications on his home site whenever she goes off her meds again.

Its also, additionally, incredibly unhelpful when grandma injects herself into the mix. BF was basically a single parent for most of SS's upbringing, and grandma got to have another baby in the form of SS from time to time, more than most other grandmas. She has always been a common denominator in SS's life, and while it is extremely helpful and I love her dearly, she's very loving, a fantastic friend, concerned, etc., its kind of like having another BM around to deal with. This kid has like seven parents at this point, and she has a nasty habit of really not getting the system. She has taken to discussing the COURT ORDERED CUSTODY ARRANGEMENT WITH SS, A FLIPPING ELEVEN YEAR OLD!! While I get it, he's not always happy coming home with fleas or smelling like an ash tray, recently he's enjoyed his visits with his mother. Yet Grandma had the bright Idea to suggest, "Well, SS, why dont we just change that around however you and I like. I'll get you one weekend, then your mom can have you, then your dad keeps you the other two weekends. And lets not bother to warn the other parents we've had this discussion. You're perfectly capable of handling this discussion and making this descision for yourself. Pay no mind that I hate you going to visit your mother, and would like to keep you from there as much as possible, and I certainly wont plant that thought in your head, small impressionable child. I'll just let you make this descision yourself, you can decide to do what I want you to do, and then we can tell everybody else what to do about it." ***Footnote: She is not deliberately plotting against anyone, not trying to hurt SS, not being malicious or doing any of this with intent, but she is doing it. Funny how he can come home from BM's perfectly happy, then come home from Gmas house upset because they talked about this. I want him to be able to talk about this when he's upset. I dont want him to think we can just skip into court whenever we like and change things because gma said so. She dared suggest that we could just pool some money as a family and go back to court ourselves and get the visitation arrangement changed how she thought it should be done. IF this isnt a completely ignorant statement about the system and the arrangement in this multi-fasceted family, I dont know what is.
1. That is completely unnecessary, you can always, you know, that thing you do with the face and noise, TALK to BM about it, ask if she would like such changes
2. You cant just go in and change it because you want to. They have these things called Judges. And while they are sometimes less than helpful, they get to call the shots. Thats why they get the little hammer.
3. Regardless of how much you are trying to HELP, you are HURTING this kid by trying to forcibly wrap his rapidly growing head around the concept of divorce decrees and parental agreements, and making him accept your somewhat backwards understanding of the system. This is NOT his call, it is NOT fair to tell him it is when he knows dang good and well it isnt, and you can NOT tell him he can have these things and make promises you cant possibly back up.
I should note here, for aforementioned sensible people, that this is the same person who, when we were moving her from her forclosed property, was picking out vacation ideas with SS from pamphlets found in a drawer while sitting on the last chair in the living room. Didnt use any pastels to paint that picture, did I?

So for the moment, we're stuck, beholden to whenever BM and SF decide to email and say, "We want to see him now!" I'm not expecting anything any time soon. SF has really picked up the ball, he's the one that emailed, he knew my work email would be the most reliable way to get the message through, and he even suggested they would drive up here and get a hotel room once a month so they could spend time with SS here instead of hauling him halfway across the state. I really appreciate the batter-up, I just wish they could move the inning along a little faster. In the mean time, I - an already irational, irritable person, am slowly building steam from the teeny tiny confrontations that make every SM's life such joy. If they could be avoided entirely Id be all over that stuff, its just the second part of that Step thing thats the kicker. Step - PARENT. That Parent things a real B#&@h. Ive worked this hard for no pay before.

Fortunately, because I myself am a B&%ch of mythic proportions, Ive emitted quite a microwave of no F'ing around as they say, so its going ok. Im developing a nasty habit of picking on him in the morning. I think I need to make a new daily vow not to speak until after the first cup of coffee. Nobody should experience me while Im still in the early moments of involuntary consciousness. Especially not a kid. Good thing too that Guilt is the major motivator for my family tree, so the worse I behave, the worse I feel, then the. . better I behave? No wait, that doesnt work, does it, Silly, Sensible People?

I am so taking time this week to reply to all of you, this is amazing and every word Ive gotten is welcome WELCOME WELCOME!!! Thank you so much!