Just wallowing and writing myself out of it.

So about five years into our marriage, after we moved very far from all family, I joked about our new neighborhood during a Skype call between SD30, my husband and me. Days later, she posted on FB that I was spoiled and ungrateful for where I was living and should be dropped in a war zone to learn what real suffering is. Several of my husband's family members gave this comment a thumbs up. I haven't felt comfortable around them since. I hardly knew these people - we always lived very far from them and had only been married a few years. I knew SD hated me, but I was shocked the others jumped on the public shame train SD engineered against me. They were just cheering her on.

I've back away from his family a lot since then. When I did have to see them, I dreaded it. Still, I hosted one of them when we lived abroad, suffered seeing them at SD's wedding, and occasionally saw them at funerals, etc. I was always polite and never mentioned the FB incident.

At the time of the FB incident, husband *tried* to stand up to SD, who had been planning to visit us. He told her she could not come if she didn't apologize - this was a real slam because we were living in a place everyone wants to visit. She said she had no reason to apologize and never visited. She closed the subject when she gave him hell for ruining her weekend with his emails and told him to stop. And that was that.

A few years later, SD became surprisingly warm and fuzzy in the year before her wedding. I helped a lot and hoped it would be a clean slate for us, but she reverted to the same old snot within six months. That was it for me and I disengaged just over a year ago. We've had peace since then. SD doesn't come here, I don't go there and husband sees SD about once every three months for an overnight visit at her place.

This weekend, a different ugly memory triggered a huge fight. It was the year SD asked to see him alone on our anniversary. We had such a huge fight about it that year, he got me no gift and we fought the whole weekend, excluding the entire day he spent with her. During the initial sparring this weekend, he told me to "get over it already" because this happened years ago. I don't know what was said next, but he mentioned, "You think my entire family hates you!"

This really grabbed my ass - I mean this is when I REALLY flipped out because I've repeatedly and politely endured his family members who have been shitty to me because HIS KID managed to poison the well, and on top of that, what the hell?, now he doesn't think that Facebook incident was any big deal? Now the slight is all in my head? I barked back a few times then closed the fight with, "And by the way, what DID SD get you for Christmas???" He said, "Nothing." Oh my god, I felt SO awful in that moment. I knew she didn't get him a damn thing when he came home empty-handed. That was the height of vicious on my part.

I won the fight, hands down. He shut down as he always does, pained about his inability to deal with her. He also said he was ashamed that he raised someone who acts like his kid does. (He should be - I would be mortified if my kid pulled the nasty stuff she has. I mean, I'd rather my kid swear, smoke pot, become a capitalist, an atheist, drop out of college, anything but just being MEAN because I married her father is so trashy!) But winning is so empty. My goal with disengaging was not to fight about her at all. I failed. Yea, he failed too, but he always fails, which is why I disengaged.

Today I was thinking about this ugly fight, wondering why I so need him not to defend me to his family (ain't gonna happen, so I'm past that fantasy), but just to privately back me up and say, "Yes, SD is nasty to you and wrong, and my family was shitty to you and they were wrong and you don't deserve to be treated like that." The answer ain't pretty: my self esteem has been devastated by his kid and her constant rejection, not just of me as the person who married her father, but of me as a person (she's said I'm lazy, no one laughs at my humor, I'm an alcoholic, my mother-in-law hates me, I'm spoiled...blah, blah, blah...) Then to have the others endorse her online attack rather than discourage that bad behavior... I don't know, I guess there are times when I worry I really am a shit person not worthy of her father or the air I breathe. How can my poor dog stand me??? Ouch. There. I said it. Maybe SD is right about me. Maybe they're all right.

This step stuff is mind bending. If you have one little fault, they will split it open and crap on your insides. But it's a new year, and if I keep feeding the dog, he'll keep hanging around because he's got no thumbs to open the food cans himself. So instead of wallowing in this any longer, I'm gonna try something new. I'm gonna try to harness this awful feeling and do something good for myself with it. You know, just to spite them. Ahhha, this writing is so therapeutic. I should become a writer. (That's an inside joke there.) (Look for my forthcoming book on how to succeed at stepmothering!)

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Hi- here in Fairyland today

Hi- here in Fairyland today is known as Blue Monday which means it is the day when more depression is reported, and most suicide threats made and carried out. Cheerful eh? This time last year it coincided with my feeling so down and spent hours searching for a counsellor on-line and discovered Steptalk. I disengaged, picked myself up, admitted defeat in my battle with OSD and just got on with my life.
I agree to the therapeutic aspects of getting it all down in print and sharing it with faceless people who know exactly what you are talking about.
Keep going... have a little pity party for a few minutes and then take a deep breath and carry on. If you are feeling really low, however, maybe you could get some help with that.
We all know how it is- that's what keeps me going.
BTW- I moved a way from my family to be with DH but it isn't that great a place- I get homesick a lot but don't dwell on it, there are good things and good people to be found here- I just had to go look for them!

I feel your anguish. I get

I feel your anguish. I get all about the lowering of expectations from your DH standing up for you to privately validating that indeed your SD treats you deplorably. When that doesn't happen the already low self esteem plummets to a point where you question yourself and your expectations.
Its a rocky road navigating, choosing the right words, gaining traction then exploding after years of torment. We then become the crazy ones who should just get over it, after all SD may have ONCE said Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday, so what more do you want.

I hope you gain back the self esteem, dignity, by choosing to no longer be part of this toxic cycle. Good luck

I relate to a lot of what you

I relate to a lot of what you wrote, marblefawn.

The past wrongs that were not made right. A couple of them are still, to this day, triggering to me because of the level of intentional emotional abuse at he hands of my MIL it was delivered through, etc. she has been a major player, along with BM, why I am disengaged.

The Facebook nonsense. That’s the worst. Showing solidarity and aligning with twits and their drama via “likes” just fuels the family’s issues. It’s done from the safety of sitting behind their phone or keyboard. It’s pretty lowdown, if you ask me. At least is shows you where someone stands, allowing you to proceed with caution, from a distance, and silence.

I agree. The fact that someone will sit back and pick you apart IS mind bending. I have gone around and around with my DH regarding such behavior. He is just now starting to come around and recognize the horrible character flaws and abusive ways of his parents. He’s not where I’d like him to be with it, and I doubt he ever will be, because he is so immune to it having been raised in that atmosphere.

I say, make yourself a priority, starting this year.

Ah!! You hit at the real

Ah!! You hit at the real pain that comes with step-parenting with these couple of sentences: "Then to have the others endorse her [online] attack rather than discourage that bad behavior... I don't know, I guess there are times when I worry I really am a shit person not worthy of her father or . . . This step stuff is mind bending. If you have one little fault, they will split it open and crap on your insides."

And, to further the sadness and pain, very few people other than SPs get this--get what it feels like to continually be thrown under the bus by SKs, BM, extended family members and sometimes even your own husband. We are supposed to just suck it up and take it, or "get over it already."

This is really what is at the heart of disengagement, recognizing that no one is really ever going to get it--get the pain that comes with continually having to bow down and cater to the wants and needs of the ever demanding royal family. And, you are supposed to do it all without complaining and with little to no reward as well. So, we disengage. As MurphysLaw states, you need to find your voice. You know you are a good person and know right from wrong. Everyone else in the family, including your own DH, their judgement will be clouded by the divorce or fallout from the divorce. When you disengage, you are actually disengaging from the clouded judgement of those around you, and moving forward with the good life you deserve aside from them, except for DH, which you handle by trying to stay out of anything involving HIS divorce as much as possible.

Best of luck to you, and take care! And, thank you for summing up what so many of us SPs have to go through on a daily basis.

MFawn, Please don't ever let

MFawn, Please don't ever let SD and any of those relatives or anyone let you feel like you are less a person. You sound like a very good person who has been treated unfairly by a nasty SD who is working on poisoning her relatives. It is just some of the mean games these adult steps play. Don't let SD get you down. It's not worth it.

I have been there and can relate too. I was and continue to be treated with the utter most disrespect by three adult steps, who have worked since I have been with my DH, even before we were married, to try and poison all of DH's family, extended relatives, even DH's friends into believing that I am the worst person on earth. Like you, I dread going to functions where DH's poisoned family members and poisoned others are going to be.The YSD and OSS have been the worst in the poison-spreading to Dh's relatives and others. It is just so obvious the way some of these people will greet and talk to DH and totally ignore me when we see them. Some of the poisoned will just give me the evil eye. It use to bother me if DH would not address the rudeness, but I have found it helps just to laugh about it. I just glare back at the evil eye people. It makes them stop. I think we all want our spouses to have our back and defend us. What I tell my DH is that I would not sit back and let any of my relatives treat you like garbage, so I would expect you would do the same for me. I know I am a good person, so I just don't care of what other people think about me. Sure, it stung at first. No more.

MY YSD also tried to become friendly before her royal wedding. She never apoliogized for being so nasty, and I did not fall for her fake nice act to try and get wedding cash from dadee. She also turned back into her nasty self right after the royal wedding.

I dream of moving far away from the mean skids and wish we could. You are lucky. You may be able to report the posts to FB. I know I would report any mean posts made about me to FB right away. Your SD sounds like a twin to my evil SD. Remember, it is not you personally they are being mean to, it could be anyone who is married to our DH's. They just cannot stand to share dadee with anyone, especially anyone who makes dadee happy and is his best friend. It took a long time for my Dh to say these are not the people he raised. I use to wish he would just come out and say how terrible they are to me. He did say something similar a while back, but it was long overdue. You are just stating a fact when you say SD did not get anything for your DH for Xmas - nothing wrong with that. None of us want to fight, I hear you, but darn it DH's stick up for your spouses already, grow some and don't let your brood treat us like muck on a shoe. Best of luck to you.

" I'm gonna try something

" I'm gonna try something new. I'm gonna try to harness this awful feeling and do something good for myself with it. You know, just to spite them."

No. You're not going to do it to spite them; you're going to do it because you are a valuable person in your own right.

Your path of step hell has been very similar to mine. An SD that wants to get others to jump on her bandwagon. Despite how nice you were to her and others, she only sees fault with you. Because you exist. Because you married her Daddy. Because before you came along, she had unblocked access directly to her daddy's affections.

And you have a similar DH. Walks the fence trying to make everyone happy. Admits OSD has done things to intentionally hurt me. Admits he has not done enough to address the issues until it was too late, and now OSD is punishing him for it, because he gave her silent permission for years to act he way she did and now that permission is gone. When your DH said "you think my entire family hates you" he was only trying to exonerate himself because he knows he has failed as a DH AND a father and does not want any reminders.

Despite him admitting that his family was the one who behaved poorly, him also admitting he is ashamed at how OSD turned out, DH still gets defensive if I bring something up. So now I rarely do. I wait for him to bring up dates for him to visit. I check my calendar.

Why do you still see these people at any event other than a funeral? I have not seen my OSD in a few years. Despite DH and I living in vacation paradise, she has never been here, and I sure have no interest to go where she is. Unless I am standing next to my DH at a funeral, I will never see her. Why would I subject myself to anything else?

You're going to have disengagement fails. In the beginning , mine were frequent. Not so much anymore but I had one a few weeks ago. Some of the wounds are still raw, and if the wrong thing is said, you feel the immediate pit in your stomach and your blood pressure start to boil. I have been thinking about how best address that in the future. When this happens in the future, I want to calmly respond to him that I am going to give him a few minutes to rethink what he is saying and then leave the room. My success rate so far is 0%....

You want to hear validation from your DH. I would tell him this. Men don't realize how important validation is to females. You also want to feel like your DH is in your corner. This is very normal. When you took your vows, did he promise to forsake all others except for his DD and family and would you have been ok if he had? Don't think so.

And you need to do something to reclaim your self esteem. I threw myself back into activities that I enjoy, some that I had not done in years. That has helped me a lot.

If you feel that the rest of your marriage is good except for SD and the rest of his family, then focus on that and stay away from the rest of those people.

I actually haven't seen them

I actually haven't seen them except at obligatory functions (one funeral) and another function where one unexpectedly showed up (which really rattled me as you can read in my previous blog post). I am pretty set on disengagement because other than this incident, it's been such a relief. I expect down the pike there will be some figuring it out as I go. But I am fortunate that my husband is OK with my disengagement and SD lives 1.5 hours away.

Like you, I've tried not to even go near the subject of SD. I can tell my husband is uncomfortable when he has to tell me a date for their visits, but that's on him. As long as I continue to say, "OK. Have fun!" I have nothing to feel bad about in that regard.

Your advice is wise. I have used the time he's away to get into projects I've been meaning to tackle and it's felt great! I think I may be happier than he is on those days. I don't think the visits make him feel great about his situation, but at least I'm not part of it anymore.

Thanks, lamb. There are better days ahead for all of us.

What you say is so true

What you say is so true Sacrificallamb. I do want to hear validation from DH. Your are correct that validation is so important to females. You are also so correct on wanting DH in your corner. Also about the vows.

I am new to disengagement. I know I will have set backs. I had one today.

It is really amazing to me that all of the posts could be written by me or any of us. Same situations with SKids and DH. I feel everyone here came in to these relationships with such high hopes.
I don't think any one of us thought for 1 minute that people could hate you so much for simply falling in love with someone. I never dreamed for one minute it would turn out like this.

If feel that disengaging is the first step in the mourning process that we are giving up those hopes and dealing with the reality. It doesn't matter how good your intentions were. The reality is that more step relations turn out this way.

I know now that every mourning process will have ups and downs. It will also have times we go right back to the beginning. It can also hit you like a ton of bricks somedays for no real reason.
There will also always be painful triggers.

For me losing my Mother and brother both this last year. I was really looking for someone to belong to. They betrayal I felt from DH in not validating my feelings and Not being in my corner, really made me feel so alone. So, I feel like I am going thru multiple mourning process's all at once.

I am so thankful everyday to have found all of you.

What you say is so true

I am new to disengagement. I know I will have set backs. I had one today.

I am so thankful everyday to have found all of you.

Marblefawn, you have truly

Marblefawn, you have truly captured step life...certainly touched my own heart with your words this morning and I am sending a ton of virtual hugs your way

Thanks for your responses,

Thanks for your responses, which made me feel better and that I am part of something bigger, albeit, a club to which none of us is eager to belong!

I woke feeling better today, as is usually the case - everything almost always looks better in the morning...unless you picked it up at a bar. But I digress. Husband was in a good mood too, so I took the opportunity to tell him that him not privately acknowledging that I didn't cause these rifts was crushing the little bit of self esteem I have left.

His traumatic childhood branded him with a fragile, fragmented self esteem, so I knew telling him the cause and effect on my feeling of self worth would speak to him. I think he got it and we quickly turned to related topics - how to get me back in a career now that my industry disappeared.

While I fumbled my disengagement a bit last weekend, the fumbles come less frequently, so I know I am headed in the right direction. You all really made me feel better with your thoughts and hugs (Veritas in the house!)

I am reading a biography of the awesome writer, Shirley Jackson ("The Lottery," "The Haunting of Hill House"), who was also a mother of four. Already accomplished when she checked into the hospital to deliver her third child, the clerk asked her profession. Jackson said, "I'm a writer." The clerk replied, "I'll just put down 'housewife.'"

That story and reading your responses to my venting really lifted me up. It showed me that whether you try something and fail, or you try something and succeed, the effort you invest is the same, and in the end, the world's reaction may be the same!

Thanks to all of you again. Let's have a great week, ladies!

Great post MarbleFawn. Im

Great post MarbleFawn. Im glad you are feeling much better, and had a nice talk with your sweety.

For me, now that Winona SD18 is out of the house, my relationship to SO has been through the roof awesome. Winona doesn't drive, and we never see, her - she has cut off all contact except when we text her to see if she is still living or not. She also popped in to do our annual Christmas card photo shoot. It does get better with conscious conversation. And write it out - its cheaper than therapy!

Thanks, Clove. Glad to read

Thanks, Clove. Glad to read your SD has flown the coop. Hopefully, she gets herself together and finds a happy life. If they're happy, they're less concerned with their SMs. Interesting that she came by to do the family holiday card. Sounds as if she might have mixed feelings about the household, but there's potential there for things to get better.

AGAIN.....

Please tell me i read that wrong...

She asked to see him ALONE on YOUR anniversary and he went along with it???? He actually went out with his daughter, alone with her, on YOUR ANNIVESARY?????????????????????

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO fucking way hosay.

WHY ARE YOU WITH THIS MAN??? There is no excuse for that rubbish. Unless there is an absolute emergency, adult kids dont trump the wife on their own wedding annivrsary.... and if he or you cant see that is just an evil fucking witch who is playing games and seeing whether daddy will still treat her like the queen of the castle.... WHICH HE DID!!!!! ??????

Yeah...that story about the

Yeah...that story about the anniversary makes me so sad for you. How dare he. I challenge him to talk to disinterested married friends and marriage counselors and fine ONE who thinks that was a good move on his part. He could talk to thousands I bet and not find one person who was on his side. And to never even apologize for it?

Funny story. My DH and I got married on his birthday. Totally his idea. We eloped and he completely planned the whole thing...got us a cute B&B in the mountains. He thought it was romantic and symbolic of starting a new life with me.

Flasforward a couple years into our marriage, and his mom has made several quips along the lines of “never getting to celebrate her baby boy’s birthday anymore” and “maybe THIS year it can be HIS day instead of YOUR day...” etc.

Um. MY day? I didn’t pick the day, woman...and your “baby boy” is in his 40’s.

Anyway. I didn’t realize it when we got married, but DH’s parents had always been incredibly controlling about dates. They had to see their son and their grandkids ON the day of their birth no matter what...and my husband always hated it and thought it felt intrusive and undermining to his family. I’m not saying he purposefully sabatoged his mother...but it might have played into his thinking.

At any rate. I’m not and never have been a big “dates” person...but each year DH and I make a big deal about our anniversary (at his insistence) and often go away for a couple nights. Both his parents and his children have to wait a couple days if they want to celebrate his bday with him.

(His mom has gotten over it and is really good to me...I should note that here...)

You are here

Just wallowing and writing myself out of it.

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