PAS-ed by my own Mother
My mother is PASing the skids. I've been very upset with her behaviors over the last three months, and just yesterday realized what is happening.
She is PASing them from ME SPEFICIALLY.
She refuses to follow the rules I set out for the kids. She argues with me and interferes when I punish them (they get sent to a whopping 2 minutes of time out here and there). When one of them starts fussing about something, she interferes with me and tries to give them different options when I have clearly stated they don't have options.
I was putting SS2's shoes on the other day and he started fussing (he hates shoes). My mother leans in, stepping between me and SS, and says:
"Do you want ME to put them on instead?, SS2?"
I literally snapped at her to be quiet and stop interfering, but it didn't click until yesterday.
We have told her six hundred times that skids are not allowed to eat on the couch. The instant DH walked out the door for work, SS2 got down from the table where he was eating a rice krispy treat, trotted over to the couch, and sat down. I sent him back to the table and my mother ARGUED WITH ME that if they're allowed to eat popcorn (the one and only thing allowed) that rice krispy treats should be fine with me.
She is turning me into the bad guy with the skids and constantly making a huge show of trying to get them out of trouble and get them whatever the hell it is they want.
Meanwhile, she's started referring to DH as "alpha dog" in front of the kids and giving them the message that he is the King of the Castle, which is something both of us object to because we consider ourselves PARTNERS in this marriage. When DH is around she constantly asks if this or that is okay, but when it's just me she does nothing but argue with me and break the rules and try to get the skids out of trouble.
She did the exact same thing to my father when I was a kid. They were never divorced, but they had a HORRIBLE relationship, and she PAS-ed the sh!t out of him. My dad was occassionally physically violent and was constantly yelling, so at the time I truly thought she was trying to protect us (now, I realize she would have gotten a divorce if she wanted to protect us).
I cannot understand why she would do this to me. I am NEVER bad to them. I have never even disciplined them in any way besides sending them to time out. Why in God's name does she have to convince these two kids (who are already confused enough as it is) that I am being mean to them?
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I think your mother is
I think your mother is probably trying to be liked, if they dislike you then she feels they will like her more. Some people think if you allianate people from all others it will make them closer to you, unhealthy but true. My MIL is like this she is PASing SS against not just me but her own son(his father)and his mother. She does this because she is lonely and bitter and wants to be SS's favorite. I wonder if your mother is the same way. I'm not excusing it believe me but I wonder if that may be it.
I think we might have the
I think we might have the same MIL, lol. Only my MIL has teamed up with BM to get SD to hate her father and I and not want to be at our house anymore.
I think briar might be right.
I think briar might be right. Another possibility is that she's jealous of your life, and is trying to one-up you. This is exactly what my mother would do, she would LOVE for my kids/skids/SO/friends to like her better than me.
Sounds like your mom is
Sounds like your mom is trying to be the peacemaker...or hero...
I'd sit her down and talk to her WITH DH...That's unacceptable...
My mother has a tendency to do this...She' coming to stay with us for Christmas, and we'll have SD...I've already told her that she is NOT allowed to tell me what I need to be doing based on her limited view into our world...DH and I have a system and it's going quite smoothly...
so...Shut your pie hole...(that's the unsaid part, lol...)
I talked to DH about it and
I talked to DH about it and he is just as concerned as I am. He wants us to sit down with her next week and have a talk. I am just worried she is going to blow it off like she has been doing.
I think she is definitely trying to be the hero. That is what she did with my brother and I (against our father) when we were younger. That's also what happened with her little sisters (against her older sister and mother) when she was younger.
I am just sick of her behavior. She watches SS2 for us about once a week, and every time it happens he is totally confused about the rules once she leaves.
I have talked to her.
Yelled at her.
Listed rules for her.
Reminded her.
Yelled at her again.
And she blows me off no matter what I do.
They are not allowed in the kitchen because SS2 has a tendency to try to stick his hand/face/etc in the oven or stand under the stove when there's water boiling.
She lets him in the kitchen. She tells me it's mean and unfair that they're not allowed in the kitchen.
They are not allowed to eat on the couch because the carpet is BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She lets them eat on the couch.
They aren't allowed to have to pepsi or eat candy all day . . .
You guessed it.
And if DH confronts her, she's all apologies and tells the boys she made a mistake. If I confront her, she argues with me in front of the kids and whoever else is present.
I actually told DH that we
I actually told DH that we might have consider sending her off, at least whenever the skids are home. She actually chastized me in front of SS2.5 the other day for not saying "hi" to SS the INSTANT I walked through the door.
If you have tried telling her
If you have tried telling her over and over already, then i think you should limit her interaction with the kids.
I dont know if these are visits or if she is the sitter or what, but i would tell her
"We have asked and told you every way we know how to respect us as the parents to the kids. Because you refuse to do that, you are not allowed to see the children in our home".
I dont know if allowing her visits in her home is feasible? Obviously she wouldnt respect you there either. So maybe her visits should be limited to a couple hours alone in her home.
she is a sitter for us a
she is a sitter for us a couple hours a week. then sometimes, she gets angry at her husband (my dad) and comes and stay with us for a few days to punish him. unless the skids are here, she will lock herself in the library (where we have a bed for visitors) and drink and eat candy for three days.
if the skids are here, she turns the house into a theme park for them and argues with me about the rules nonstop.
We just found out she has been letting SS2 into the laundry room. He's not allowed in there A) because there is a broken tile that is sharp and he's the most accident prone kid on earth, and
because you have to walk through the kitchen to get there and he's not allowed in the kitchen.
She's been bringing the diaper changing supplies into the living room and changing him wherever he is at: on the couch, on the floor, at the table, etc. So, now he is demanding to be changed where he is instead of getting up and walking a whole TEN FEET to his bedroom.
He's also refusing to take naps in his crib because she makes a bed for him on the floor in front of the television so he "doesn't have to be alone."
It's driving me crazy, and DH really likes my mom (she's in love with his kids; why wouldn't he like her?) but he's starting to be concerned as well.
Dh and i have a similar sort
Dh and i have a similar sort of situation. My ss13 lives with inlaws currently due to a multitude of behavioral issues-he was to live with inlaws temporarily while we addressed the issues and then we were going to transition him back in our home. Ha! Since he moved in with the inlaws there has been exactly one visit. We make plans for visits, mil says she agrees, then never shows up. SS doesnt wish to come-granted there were already issues with all of us but she is magnifying them instead of helping us fix them. SS says mean, nasty things about me? Well it must be because I am mean and nasty. Never mind that they have known me for 12 years and have never once seen me be mean to ss or anyone for that matter. They feel sorry for him and coddle him encouraging him to make up more lies. We are pretty certain she is telling him if he does not wish to visit us he does not have to. He is also not visiting his bm. I saw him say on facebook to one of his friends that he would like to return to bm's town and visit but his grandma wont let him because she is too strict. Too strict? Too strict to visit your own bm? WTF?
I know my mil is a huge enabler (my fil and bil sit around and get high all day while she works and pays all the bills)-my dh is the only one of her kids that turned out ok-and he has had his issues in the past as well. BIL is 30 years old and has lived with them for years with his dd. SIL is a slut, substance abuser, and asks for money every month to pay her bills which MIL provides. I am assuming that my MIL just needs to "rescue" everyone that is her way of controlling and manipulating as well as avoiding the reality of her own miserable life.
I try and wash my hands of it all. I have told dh what I know is going on and he just sort of ignores it all (can we say head in the sand?). I think all this is rocking his world and he cant quite grasp that his son has completely and totally ditched him, his wonderful, wonderful mommy is keeping his son away from him, his sis hasnt spoke to him in months because he did not move out of our home to go live alone with ss, etc-the reality that his famiy sux in a major way is almost too much for him to accept.
Good freaking gawd. Sorry to
Good freaking gawd. Sorry to hear you are in such a weird position. It's that much worse that you DH is in denial about the whole mess.
What I don't understand about this situation is that it is MY OWN MOTHER doing this to me.
She has NO RIGHTS to the children in any way. Other relatives have already commented on her obsession with the skids.
All I can think is that she is trying to resume her identity as "savior mother," and since my DH is her link to the children he is off limits. I, however, am wide open. So, she's going to target me as the "bad guy" so she can play out her "savior mother" plot and reassume a meaningful identity in the world.
The only problem is that I AM NOT THE BAD GUY.
I have never done anything bad to either of the kids. All I need is BM AND MY MOM giving the kids the idea that I'm a mean old nasty step mom.
I think you must be feeling
I think you must be feeling how my dh is feeling. My dh has been insightful enough to say that it really bothers him that his dad (who was really sorta abusive to my dh) is now a much better father figure to ss than he ever was to him. I dont think he can touch the stuff with his mommy-because well, she's his mommy and in his eyes she was the one really positive thing about his craptastic family-she was always there for him, blah, blah.
but i would say you are a lot farther along in dealing with the insanity of this if you at least recognize and admit that your mom is being a crazy obsessive freak about your skids. My mil is too, but dh just wont verbally admit it.
I think in all honesty that you are just going to have to limit her time with the kids. Force her to get her own life. Find a hobby. Become a "big sister" and then she rescue some of those kids. It sounds as if you've already talked to her about it so I think you just need to take action. Hopefully once she is away from them for a bit she will realize she needs to get a life.
I wish there was any chance
I wish there was any chance of her getting a life.
Unfortunately, she is pathologically co-dependent.
She has been married to my father for 40 years now and has supposedly hated every minute of it. She has a degree. If they got a divorce, she would get about half a million dollars. There is NO REASON for her to stay in the marriage if it's that bad except that she needs his chaos in order to justify being a miserable depressive nutbag.
My dad is not innocent at all, and is a controlling freak and won't let her off the property (they own a ranch) except when she has to come watch the kids. This, I believe, is because he knows the instant she gets away from him she will consume a week's worth of candy in the span of about three hours.