Hello lovely ladies of StepTalk (and even those of you who are not so lovely)

Well, it's been a roller coaster ride even just the last three days.

I have had good moments and some pretty low ones as well.

Let me see, Monday I saw the Dr, she is referring me to a counsellor so that's a positive. Tried to get an apt with Human Services but the phone wait was about 45 minutes so I gave up. I didn't take the girls to school we were all just a bit overtired and wrung out from the drama on Sunday. We did go to dancing in the evening though, And dd9 wrote a wonderful poem on the way - which brightened my day - sometimes its the small things you know? Here it is:

It's a nice day and the sun is shining brightly down at the dirt and grass.
The palm trees are sparkling in the sunlight.
The car engines are roaring and zooming past.
The school kids are having fun playing on the way home from school.
The farmers are milking the cows, I can smell the cow poo from inside the car.
The animals are eating the grass and hay,
The gardeners are gardening the pretty flowers.
A guy is putting petrol in his car at the Old Town Petrol Station.
Mummy is driving, dd12 is reading "the Book Thief", I am writing a cool poem.
It's getting cold, I can feel the cool air brushing in through the open window.
The radio is playing one of my favourite songs.

Oh well, probably one of those dopey mummy moments but it tickled me anyway and made me smile on a day that I really needed it

I haven't told anyone apart from my mother IRL what is happening. I'm not ready to deal with it yet.

Tuesday, worked in the morning, tried to get in to Human Services but the counter wait was still about an hour and I had to get to the school to pick up the kids, so they documented that I had come in and the reason and said come back in the morning.

Kids had dress rehearsal for dancing which was a complete mess as they sent out the wrong running order, so all the kids and parent helpers had no clue what we were supposed to be getting them ready for next - but it was still good to be out with other people and doing stuff, and we got there in the end. Very bad planning this year with lots of kids having back to back routines which means VERY quick (as in 60 second) costume, tights, hair and shoe changes side stage for up to 20 kids at a time. Slightly hectic!

Was a late night so today was already planned as not going to school (I feel guilty already - BAD MOTHER - for them having 2 days off school this week so don't even go there, LOL

I have to admit I am not eating - I just can't stomach the thought of food, it makes me feel like vomiting so I will have to get a handle on that quick smart.

After getting home and getting them to bed I was pretty low last night, and again I have to admit that I was a mess during the night, I couldn't sleep and the old patterns of how it is all my fault, I caused this, I have fucked up everyones lives and they would all be better without me surfaced, I was in a pretty bad way. To the point where I found the packet of strong pain pills EX-OH had been prescribed for his shoulder (most not taken) and was very tempted - it just all felt too hard and I felt not strong enough I cannot deal with all this, I cannot hurt anyone else etc. But I didn't take them, so that's a positive right?

Woke up today and had a job first thing, then I went into Human Services, they were very helpful, I have been given a crisis payment to see us through the next few days (I had only $8.50 in the bank - OH cleared the account) They put me on to a social worker, who gave me some other information and a number for a DV service, I was able to call them from HS and they were amazingly helpful, they will have someone at the court tomorrow, she gave me a lot of info about what to do, where to go, what will happen. And they can even send a locksmith here to change the locks for me for free - That I think caused me to cry more than anything else that was said to me this morning. Which was strange - relief I guess.

So, there is a lot more I need to do still, but I have contacted a few people re bills etc, and gotten things started and I have a support system now - sorry ladies IRL support system - you ladies have been amazing and I cannot thank you all enough for your words the last few days, it is what has gotten me through.

And you know what? I will even include the less than positive words/posters in that. Even those have given me strength and helped me mentally to get my head where it needs to be.

I am not saying I am great, I feel like crap and I am still crying at the slightest thing, but I am still going. I am still resolved to make things better.

I am ANGRY. I am ANGRY at him for what I can see now was years of abuse. Not punching and hitting etc, but abuse none-the-less. I am ANGRY at him for not respecting me and loving me the way a man SHOULD love and respect his woman. The way I loved and respected him. I am ANGRY at him for allowing his ex and his daughter and to a lesser degree, at times his son to abuse me and mine as well. I am ANGRY at him for not being the man he made himself out to be in the beginning. I am ANGRY god-dammit and don't anyone here DARE to tell me I am not or that my anger is directed at the wrong people, I am angry at SD as well, but you had better fucking believe me when I say that my EX-OH owns the lions share of that.

So, court tomorrow, I am not nearly as scared about it as I was, and the future will be hard but it is not looking as grim as it did last night.

I have some ideas for how I will get through, what I can do to earn more and get on top of things which I will be researching and hopefully implementing in the next few weeks/months.

It's not how I thought this year was going to end, and I am still devastated and I miss him more than I can say (which seems stupid but there you have feelings have no common sense do they?) but it is what it is - and this too I will survive.