Ok, So after my last few blogs (well actually most of them LOL) I realise that I am making my OH out to be a total arse. He's not. Hmmm
I think firstly to explain this I will go to part two of my title!
Changes going forwards.
OH and I have been having relationship counselling and I have also had a few sessions with a therapist just on my own.
The relationship counselling has been a bumpy ride! Some good sessions where we talk and understand and come to some agreement moving forwards and how we want to do things. And some REALLY, CAR WRECK bad sessions where we nearly end it. Usually those revolve around his darling daughter!
Our issues -
1. Communication - we are learning how to communicate better and fight fairer. WE have used the techniques we have learnt a few times now (over less contentious issues) and are managing it quite well. It's the contentious issues that still trouble us.
2. His guilt over leaving his kids, his Disney dad syndrome and his need to be autonomous rather than work as part of a team with me.
The guilt - I cannot help him with that - my counsellor recommends he see someone on his own to deal with HIS issues re leaving his marriage etc - he has agreed, we will see if it actually happens (time is hard to find)
After the weekend alone troubles we had recently - while I was away by the beach by MYSELF while he drove his kids around on BM's weekend. I took the time to make up a schedule - now this may be seen as controlling - I want to point out straight off the bat - it's not about control - it's about maximising time, and being more effective with how we use our time so we can balance everyones needs.
So, for instance - previously - sd would be fb messaging him, texting him, demanding phone calls at all hours, and no matter what he dropped everything to communicate with her. One night I was literally about to serve tea - I had walked in the door at 6pm, cooked a meal and was just putting the plates out and he says "just going to call the kids..." I told him I was about to serve tea, could he wait. Apparently not. My dd's and I sat and ate while he spent half an hour chatting to the skids. He thought that I had a problem with him phoning the kids, NO, my problem was the timing. My problem is that you sit next to me rubbing my thigh but you are actually thinking about the conversation you are having via fb with your daughter, you are laughing with her, you are NOT with me.
So. I scheduled in time for phone calls - tell SD and SS you will call them at 7.30 on a Monday and Friday. I am out of the house at this time. No FB, text or phone calls after 9pm any night. Date nights are Tuesday - from 7pm onwards. On Weds night he gets his kids from school and spends the evening with them, including tea. I get mine, take them dancing and get them tea. Thursday he picks up one kid at a time at say 4.30 and spends a couple of hours just hanging with one kid - drop them off at 6.30 and home by 7 for tea. I get ME time, they get one on one and just dad and both skid time. Sundays are family days (all of us) Saturday afternoon on skids w/e is for him and them, but Sat am is breakfast in bed with me, followed by helping with housework and washing. On non skid w/e Saturday is just for us time. (mine are at dancing from 9-5 Sat)
As far as the constant changes to the visitation goes, and him not wanting to run it by me first. He gets two weeknight passes, and one weekend pass a month. After that he HAS to talk to me before agreeing and I get to veto the changes with no questions asked.
Our one weekend alone every 13 weeks is sacred and will NEVER be messed with again apart from in case of serious emergency (and yes I spelt out what that constitutes LOL)
Various other little bits and pieces - anywho he agreed to it all, likes it, and can see where I am coming from with everything I suggest.
I think in putting it all down he can see WHAT pisses me off about his behaviours, and how simple it would be to have what he wants with the skids AND keep me happy at the same time.
WINNER.
We are also going to be bringing in a list of our relationship/family expectations to our next session to discuss so that we can understand each others needs, and get on the same page with meeting them.
My therapist tells me I have to also work on reclaiming ME... To clarify - I moved here from another state nearly 2 years ago, and still don't really have a life away from my OH and kids. This is not good or healthy, and is partly why "the problem" (issues between OH and I) have become the dominant thread in my life - where there should be so many other threads happening, things that take me out of this head space and make me happy and keep me focussed on the big picture (lets face it, the skid dramas are really not as all consuming as it can feel when you allow them to have ALL your energy, focus and attention)
So - I am working on that - it is hard!! I have joined a few social groups and am trying to make my thoughts more positive and not all consumed with "the problem"
MY OH is actually a wonderful guy. He does love me so very much and I know this. He shows it in so many ways. He works so hard to provide for ALL of his family - that is me, the skids and MY kids as well. When their dad stopped paying CS he offered to get a second job (the man works 14-16 hour days already) so my kids didn't have to quit dancing. He does sweet things for me just because. Every Monday at exactly 11.27 we have a routine where we send each other (by text) a kiss, it's a tradition, because when we first got together we stood on the steps in my old home town at that time and kissed for the first time. He never forgets, even when we are fighting and I don't send one - he still sends it. He tells me he loves me every day. He cries when he knows he has hurt me. He really is trying.
He is just blinded a bit by his permissive parenting style, his guilt over leaving his kids and the difficulty of facing the reality that your child is doing stuff that makes you ashamed of them. I get that. It doesn't mean I am ok with it by any stretch but I understand. It is easier to lash out at the messenger than face the reality.
On to the issues with SD. She has improved in some areas, but still tries to dominate our time together, still tries to be the woman in his life, the one he makes plans with. He is starting to shut this down now, good. She is also still invading my kids rooms and stealing from them. This is our sticky point at the moment. Many times he has "spoken to her" and it still happens, to me this is where consequences come it, but he doesn't agree, he feels that he has talked to her and she will stop.
Not ok with that.
The agreement we now have is - for now I let him have his way, but next time she gets caught stealing or entering their rooms w/o permission WE will sit down together and come up with a consequence. He agrees because he lives with the blind hope that she will have listened to his latest "chat" and just stop. I doubt this very much.
DTZY - this is where I need you Smiling I want to set up nanny cams. I haven't told him. But I want concrete evidence for next time so that he has to face the reality and we can deal with it. The way things stand it's not fair to my kids and I will not tolerate it anymore.
DTZY - what sort did you use, did your OH know about them before hand, any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.
LMAO - no I wasn't planning to tell anyone (actually scrap that - am telling dd21 - she often runs from the shower to her room with only a towel and that is the red zone so to speak, and the cams will be on when I am not home - want her to be forewarned LOL
But none of the other kids. I just can't decide to tell him or not. I think he will object - but will it be worse afterwards if I haven't - these are my ruminations right now.
The smoke detector ones are the ones I am looking at, was it easy to work?(technophobe here)
Just re-read my post - the smiling is I think supposed to be one of these but somehow got lost in the copy and paste from the original attempt to blog and the comment attempt!!
Quite frankly, I am not overly involved with the skids, he can parent as he sees fit until it impacts on me and mine. Once that happens I expect to have a say and I expect things to be dealt with.
The issues with SD aren't being dealt with at this stage, but the agreement we have come to is that at this stage we do it his way and IF (when) that doesn't work we try another way - where we set a consequence for her. He has agreed to this. My theory is that the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, so - past behaviour - sd steals something, lies about it, gets caught with it, daddy "talks to her" and she carries on her merry way. So, he gets to have his way for now and he thinks his talking to her will make a difference THIS time. I don't believe it will, and then WE will deal with it together.
He has agreed to the schedule and is sticking to it at this stage, I am sure there will be hiccups, but he DOES want to change the dynamics here and he does acknowledge that HIS behaviours as well as mine are at fault and WE need to change a few things to make this work.
Will it be perfect and I get the Brady Bunch life? NO, Will it improve from where we have been? I do believe so.
You go girl! I give you a lot of credit for even trying. Your patience must be unending. I would have walked when he left you alone for your Romantic weekend. Best of luck to you.
Comments
Ok, So after my last few
Ok, So after my last few blogs (well actually most of them LOL) I realise that I am making my OH out to be a total arse. He's not. Hmmm
I think firstly to explain this I will go to part two of my title!
Changes going forwards.
OH and I have been having relationship counselling and I have also had a few sessions with a therapist just on my own.
The relationship counselling has been a bumpy ride! Some good sessions where we talk and understand and come to some agreement moving forwards and how we want to do things. And some REALLY, CAR WRECK bad sessions where we nearly end it. Usually those revolve around his darling daughter!
Our issues -
1. Communication - we are learning how to communicate better and fight fairer. WE have used the techniques we have learnt a few times now (over less contentious issues) and are managing it quite well. It's the contentious issues that still trouble us.
2. His guilt over leaving his kids, his Disney dad syndrome and his need to be autonomous rather than work as part of a team with me.
The guilt - I cannot help him with that - my counsellor recommends he see someone on his own to deal with HIS issues re leaving his marriage etc - he has agreed, we will see if it actually happens (time is hard to find)
After the weekend alone troubles we had recently - while I was away by the beach by MYSELF while he drove his kids around on BM's weekend. I took the time to make up a schedule - now this may be seen as controlling - I want to point out straight off the bat - it's not about control - it's about maximising time, and being more effective with how we use our time so we can balance everyones needs.
So, for instance - previously - sd would be fb messaging him, texting him, demanding phone calls at all hours, and no matter what he dropped everything to communicate with her. One night I was literally about to serve tea - I had walked in the door at 6pm, cooked a meal and was just putting the plates out and he says "just going to call the kids..." I told him I was about to serve tea, could he wait. Apparently not. My dd's and I sat and ate while he spent half an hour chatting to the skids. He thought that I had a problem with him phoning the kids, NO, my problem was the timing. My problem is that you sit next to me rubbing my thigh but you are actually thinking about the conversation you are having via fb with your daughter, you are laughing with her, you are NOT with me.
So. I scheduled in time for phone calls - tell SD and SS you will call them at 7.30 on a Monday and Friday. I am out of the house at this time. No FB, text or phone calls after 9pm any night. Date nights are Tuesday - from 7pm onwards. On Weds night he gets his kids from school and spends the evening with them, including tea. I get mine, take them dancing and get them tea. Thursday he picks up one kid at a time at say 4.30 and spends a couple of hours just hanging with one kid - drop them off at 6.30 and home by 7 for tea. I get ME time, they get one on one and just dad and both skid time. Sundays are family days (all of us) Saturday afternoon on skids w/e is for him and them, but Sat am is breakfast in bed with me, followed by helping with housework and washing. On non skid w/e Saturday is just for us time. (mine are at dancing from 9-5 Sat)
As far as the constant changes to the visitation goes, and him not wanting to run it by me first. He gets two weeknight passes, and one weekend pass a month. After that he HAS to talk to me before agreeing and I get to veto the changes with no questions asked.
Our one weekend alone every 13 weeks is sacred and will NEVER be messed with again apart from in case of serious emergency (and yes I spelt out what that constitutes LOL)
Various other little bits and pieces - anywho he agreed to it all, likes it, and can see where I am coming from with everything I suggest.
I think in putting it all down he can see WHAT pisses me off about his behaviours, and how simple it would be to have what he wants with the skids AND keep me happy at the same time.
WINNER.
We are also going to be bringing in a list of our relationship/family expectations to our next session to discuss so that we can understand each others needs, and get on the same page with meeting them.
My therapist tells me I have to also work on reclaiming ME... To clarify - I moved here from another state nearly 2 years ago, and still don't really have a life away from my OH and kids. This is not good or healthy, and is partly why "the problem" (issues between OH and I) have become the dominant thread in my life - where there should be so many other threads happening, things that take me out of this head space and make me happy and keep me focussed on the big picture (lets face it, the skid dramas are really not as all consuming as it can feel when you allow them to have ALL your energy, focus and attention)
So - I am working on that - it is hard!! I have joined a few social groups and am trying to make my thoughts more positive and not all consumed with "the problem"
MY OH is actually a wonderful guy. He does love me so very much and I know this. He shows it in so many ways. He works so hard to provide for ALL of his family - that is me, the skids and MY kids as well. When their dad stopped paying CS he offered to get a second job (the man works 14-16 hour days already) so my kids didn't have to quit dancing. He does sweet things for me just because. Every Monday at exactly 11.27 we have a routine where we send each other (by text) a kiss, it's a tradition, because when we first got together we stood on the steps in my old home town at that time and kissed for the first time. He never forgets, even when we are fighting and I don't send one - he still sends it. He tells me he loves me every day. He cries when he knows he has hurt me. He really is trying.
He is just blinded a bit by his permissive parenting style, his guilt over leaving his kids and the difficulty of facing the reality that your child is doing stuff that makes you ashamed of them. I get that. It doesn't mean I am ok with it by any stretch but I understand. It is easier to lash out at the messenger than face the reality.
On to the issues with SD. She has improved in some areas, but still tries to dominate our time together, still tries to be the woman in his life, the one he makes plans with. He is starting to shut this down now, good. She is also still invading my kids rooms and stealing from them. This is our sticky point at the moment. Many times he has "spoken to her" and it still happens, to me this is where consequences come it, but he doesn't agree, he feels that he has talked to her and she will stop.
Not ok with that.
The agreement we now have is - for now I let him have his way, but next time she gets caught stealing or entering their rooms w/o permission WE will sit down together and come up with a consequence. He agrees because he lives with the blind hope that she will have listened to his latest "chat" and just stop. I doubt this very much.
DTZY - this is where I need you Smiling I want to set up nanny cams. I haven't told him. But I want concrete evidence for next time so that he has to face the reality and we can deal with it. The way things stand it's not fair to my kids and I will not tolerate it anymore.
DTZY - what sort did you use, did your OH know about them before hand, any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.
LMAO - no I wasn't planning
LMAO - no I wasn't planning to tell anyone (actually scrap that - am telling dd21 - she often runs from the shower to her room with only a towel and that is the red zone so to speak, and the cams will be on when I am not home - want her to be forewarned LOL
But none of the other kids. I just can't decide to tell him or not. I think he will object - but will it be worse afterwards if I haven't - these are my ruminations right now.
The smoke detector ones are the ones I am looking at, was it easy to work?(technophobe here)
Oh LOL - was wondering about
Oh LOL - was wondering about the smiling bit...
Just re-read my post - the smiling is I think supposed to be one of these
but somehow got lost in the copy and paste from the original attempt to blog and the comment attempt!!
Quite frankly, I am not
Quite frankly, I am not overly involved with the skids, he can parent as he sees fit until it impacts on me and mine. Once that happens I expect to have a say and I expect things to be dealt with.
The issues with SD aren't being dealt with at this stage, but the agreement we have come to is that at this stage we do it his way and IF (when) that doesn't work we try another way - where we set a consequence for her. He has agreed to this. My theory is that the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, so - past behaviour - sd steals something, lies about it, gets caught with it, daddy "talks to her" and she carries on her merry way. So, he gets to have his way for now and he thinks his talking to her will make a difference THIS time. I don't believe it will, and then WE will deal with it together.
He has agreed to the schedule and is sticking to it at this stage, I am sure there will be hiccups, but he DOES want to change the dynamics here and he does acknowledge that HIS behaviours as well as mine are at fault and WE need to change a few things to make this work.
Will it be perfect and I get the Brady Bunch life? NO, Will it improve from where we have been? I do believe so.
You go girl! I give you a lot
You go girl! I give you a lot of credit for even trying. Your patience must be unending. I would have walked when he left you alone for your Romantic weekend. Best of luck to you.