It's so stupid that I have this yucky dread feeling in my stomach about both of the SKIDS coming this weekend. It's been building all week.

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

I used to have such high hopes about us becoming a family. Unfortunately, too much has happened to destroy those hopes.

Instead of functioning on hope, I'm functioning on prayers:

I am praying that BM didn't jack them up on lies as a special gift to us. You know, just to ensure we have a really, super fantastic weekend.

I am praying that my DH is ready to step-up to the plate to really set the precedence in our new home. Namely, that he is the father and the head of the household and thus, accordingly, that he puts his foot down and just runs the show, makes them toe the line, and is all over their behavior.

I am praying that now that we are out of the in-laws house, and thus no longer are subject to their undermining, that DH will finally be growing some balls and the SKIDS will see that what used to go, no longer will.

I am praying to not be embarrassed by the SKIDS when they go out to play and that, please God, they don't make "friends" with other kids -- or -- damage someone else's property.

I am praying that if the SKIDS do start to act bad, that I can keep my mouth shut about it.

I even pray for my enemy, BM. I pray that she gets whatever help it is that she needs in order to not be the way she is. It is an immutable fact that all of the problems that the SKIDS have and that we have with the SKIDS; all of the drama; all of the stress and anxiety... it all stems from her. She is a Grade A Shit Storm.

My DH is sad, because he thinks his kids don't like me. That may be true. That may not be true. I don't think it's true. I think it's more of a game, a manipulation. They way I see it, SD likes me just fine. She's wary of me. As she should be. I'm the only person in her life that has established clear boundaries and expectations for her. Honestly, she has responded very well to that. SS looks at me as competition and can be quite the turd about it, but isn't always outright awful to me. His aggression is much more subtle. But the truth of the matter is that, even of the SKIDS do like me, they aren't allowed to. Their BM doesn't allow them to like me.

Are the SKIDS "scared" of me? Yup. Because I am CONSISTENT and they know what to expect: That when I tell them "no," I mean "no." They aren't scared of ME. They are scared of not getting their own way.

Bah. Whatever.

Same shit, different day.

It's a no-win situation for everyone involved. Even BM, she just doesn't realize it.

I have come up with zero plans for the weekend to keep myself busy. I do have a ton of homework to do. I may just go up to the city library and camp out for several hours.

Maybe.

I also want to make sure I am planted firmly in this house too. This is MY territory. This is MY house. I will NOT be chased out of MY house. Nope.

It's a whole new ball game now. Hopefully.