AM I WRONG TO FEEL THIS WAY?
I told my SO this AM: you know what- sometimes I am just bitchy because I wonder what its like to be in a real relationship. Tuesday night we see a pre-marriage counselor and all we talk about is the skids. For the past few weeks its about how he is insisting his daughter needs to come to our house for Christmas and "OPEN PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE LIKE EVERY YEAR" (she is otherwise not allowed due to lying to a therapist and telling her I abused her, trying to call the cops while he was away for a few minutes to say he "left them alone" -they are 10, 12 and 14 big deal, she blogs about him being on drugs and he is any attorney and this could ruin his career, she used to steal my things, she abuses her brothers and animals the list goes on and on.) Anyways.........Wednesdays he takes her to dinner, the boys come Friday to Sunday night, we are in debt up to our eyeballs because he took on all BM's marital debt so she could have it all cushy when they divorced and FREAKING IT JUST SEEMS LIKE EVERY WHERE I TURN ITS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM. Financially we are screwed because of them, if they aren't around we have to be talking about them, and I just get sick of it. Sometimes I just want to give it all up. I love him so much but I feel like there is such a little tiny piece of him left for me. Bless his heart he TRIES SO HARD FOR ME HE DOES. BUT HE RAN HIMSELF INTO THE GROUND FINANCIALLY FOR BM AND THE STEP SHITS AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT> He is in bankruptcy and the house is underwater and he is behind on child support and I HATE THE CHILDREN WITH A PASSION they are mean and rude and selfish and bratty and sometimes I just have a hard time with it and I want to cry. ITS NOT FAIR. It seems hopeless for me or any woman in his life.He just fucked his life up for this woman and her kids.
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If I remember correctly from
If I remember correctly from my pre-marriage counseling one of the top three marriage buster uppers is..... MONEY problems. I don't see how going INTO a marriage with all of this debt/baggage is a good idea.. no matter how much you love the guy. Seems to me the marriage would be doomed from the get go.
The premarriage counselor
The premarriage counselor told me that any man I meet (middle aged) will have kids and/or baggage and that if I walk away from this relationship I am actually just walking away from my own issues.
That is not true. Look at
That is not true. Look at how many members, just on this site, are middle aged with no kids. (Raising my hand!)
ETA: That said, all the blaming makes me believe that you do have your own issues to work out as well.
I just said this exact line
I just said this exact line word for word to my exH >>>>Everyone has baggage but it's how they HANDLE the baggage is what's important.
Talking about his girlfriend that he just broke up with.
My first husband was 38...no
My first husband was 38...no ex, no kids, no debt.
My brother just got married...38 y/o, no ex, no kids, no debt.
They're out there. Your counselor is wrong wrong wrong.
What? It's not your issues,
What? It's not your issues, it's his issues! Personally, I would seriously consider stopping while you are ahead. Don't think that things are going to get better just because you are going to get married and stay in counseling. You've got a lot of red flags waving at you. Good luck sweetie!
It's not wrong to feel that
It's not wrong to feel that way, however the way you chose to express your feelings was completely disrespectful & non-productive.
You are not married. What you're experiencing now is likely what your life will be like with this man, yet you still choose to stay with him. You complain that the financial situation is not fair to you, & you hate his children with a passion.
He can't wave a wand & make the debt disappear. He can't undo the choices he's made. If you can't see yourself finding happiness with what he has to offer, why are you even at the point of pre-marriage counseling?
You say yourself, he's trying his best. It's hardly fair for you to stay in a relationship & then insult it, pointing all fingers at him for a life he had before you. IMO, the best thing you can do for yourself & everyone else involved is to get out.
Just my thoughts.
To wonder about a "normal"
To wonder about a "normal" relationship, IMO, sounds like they have some issues that are out of the ordinary.
She said she told her SO she wondered what it would be like to be in a "real" relationship, which to me, suggests that this relationship she admits he's giving everything he can give to doesn't qualify as being recognized as a relationship.
That's why I said it is not wrong to feel what she feels, but the snide way was delivered (at least in how I read it) was non-productive & disrespectful.
It's important that she take the opportunity to communicate & share her feelings with her SO. Especially if they're looking to take it forward to marriage. However, the way she chooses to deliver the message can play a huge part in how receptive/non-receptive he is to hearing it.
My other thought is that she seems incredibly bitter about the debt he incurred in his life before her. That's going to remain an issue until he's able to get out from under it. With that being such a sore spot with her, is it really logical to marry into it?
I agree with you, that this is a lot to take on. So many members "didn't know what they were getting into". OP has it right in front of her eyes & I have to wonder why she's even taken it far as premarital counseling if she can't acknowledge her relationship as being "real".
It really sucks because I
It really sucks because I love him so much. I think he is an idiot for putting himself in the position he is in. Did he not think that the overkill providing for BM- who is now married to someone else, would put him in dire straits and pretty much a place where he won't bounce back for years and years? He made himself a martyr for her in self pity because he was sad at the time and felt so rejected and wanted to look good for everyone...like what a great provider he is to his children's mother. WELL GREAT NOW HES SCREWED. He is an attorney and makes six figures and still will never financially recover FOR DECADES.
I bet he feels like a pretty big idiot right now when BM and her breast implants and big bank accounts (he has no savings) takes her 2000$ check every month and goes with her current husband to deposit it in their joint checking account. SO MUCH FOR BEING THE HERO!
"I bet he feels like a pretty
"I bet he feels like a pretty big idiot right now when BM and her breast implants and big bank accounts (he has no savings) takes her 2000$ check every month and goes with her current husband to deposit it in their joint checking account. "
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You call him an idiot for trying to do what he felt was best, yet you're the one engaged to marry into the middle of all of it. :?
If BM is married, there is no
If BM is married, there is no alimony, which means it's ALL CS.
So, if BF doesn't make enough to justify the CS amount, he can go and file a modification.
I'd fancy a bet that the CS amount ordered is pretty close to the schedule, and he really isn't being a "hero" and overpaying her a bunch.
Does BM work? Her new DH?
And if BF is an "idiot" for doing this, what do you call yourself for living smack dab in the middle of it?
PLEASE...don't get married
PLEASE...don't get married until he gets his baggage (money AND skids) under control. People erroneously believe that marriage will make things better. It does NOT. Marriage amplifies what is already. If it is already shitty, marriage will make things shittier. If it is going great, marriage will make it even better.
OMG I would NOT marry into
OMG I would NOT marry into this mess. Maintain separate households if you live apart, until this guy gets his finances and kids under control. Marriage is hard enough when you aren't facing the issues you are!
Have you discussed with your
Have you discussed with your counselor the fact that he's called your DD a "whore?"
No, I have not. My daughter
No, I have not. My daughter actually met with her once and my daughter did not like her (the counselor). The counselor has MAJOR ISSUES OF HER OWN! She adores my SO because he's an attorney so they are both "professionals" and I am just a lowly college student, getting my second degree. They gang up on me all the time kind of. IMHO. I have given up on telling her certain things because she always takes his side. If I yell- I am displaying borderline personality disorder symptoms, if he yells its because I have done something to provoke him.
Counseling is rather
Counseling is rather counterproductive if BOTH parties don't feel "safe" and free to talk with them.
Can you find a different counselor? I've seen some "questionable" ones, but I have to say... the guy DH and I used for our premarital counseling (about a year's worth before we married) was great for us. We both trusted him and we both felt that he was helping us navigate the step pitfalls and the uber-drama I dealt with from DH's family. (Even if we didn't like what he said at times.)
He married us and we were READY. Well-prepared, solid foundation, totally worth it.
If this counselor is doing it for you, it might be time to move on.
I really wonder about this relationship for you. It just doesn't sound "right." Do you work or does he support you and your DD?
It isn't even the money
It isn't even the money really. That is part of it sure. I graduate in March and will work full time and contribute all my earnings. Right now I get grants and loans and pay for myself.
The REAL issue I kind of stated above that got off track and into money...is that even when the kids are not around its about them. They leave and then it seems like they permeate everything. Our pre-marriage counseling sessions always end up focused on talking about them every Tuesday night, then he spends every Wednesday night with his daughter, then they come again Friday to Sunday. Its like THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE>
And I know everyone will say, "you knew all this when you met him. Why did you think it was going to be any different?" And the answer is GOOD FREAKING QUESTION! I guess I kind of thought that if we just had them on weekends that maybe we would sort of have our own life. But now that I think about it...I try and think about when we really like do stuff and have fun. And we really....don't ever.
"everyone will say, "you knew
"everyone will say, "you knew all this when you met him. Why did you think it was going to be any different?" And the answer is GOOD FREAKING QUESTION! I guess I kind of thought that if we just had them on weekends that maybe we would sort of have our own life."
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The good news is that it's not too late. You're not bound to him in any legal way. You're not tied to his debt. You see the red flags. His kids aren't going anywhere, so you're aware that as long as you continue a relationship with this man, your life will be what you're seeing right now.
I think you'd be surprised by the number of people who marry men with kids, assuming they will always only be weekend parents, & find themselves being FT mothers to kids they hate. He may be a PT dad now, but you never know when things may change.
That's why I broke up w/ BF.
That's why I broke up w/ BF. I loved him to life. But I worked to hard to struggle and go without for kids that aren't mines that I don't want. That I don't love. I still love him. But I'm willing to give him up to remove myself from his unwanted daughters and the black hole (especially financially) that is stepfamily life. I dont regret it.
You just did this recently
You just did this recently right?
Do you have kids of your own?
Do you have kids of your own? His are pretty young.... you have at least 10 years of the same drama and hardship if you go ahead with it. I get it that you love him... but love will go out the window if he does not have enough time/love/attention and yes, even money too give you - because it is going to be about his kids all the time. Why settle for this? It only feels like you will never find anyone else/never fall in love again... how old are you? find someone with less baggage/better handled baggage. You deserve better.
I am 39 and I have a 16 year
I am 39 and I have a 16 year old sophmore...almost out the door.
You are a catch! You can do
You are a catch! You can do better
I'm a lawyer engaged to a
I'm a lawyer engaged to a lawyer... TURN BACK WHILE YOU SILL CAN!!!!
Oops... Wrong post. Sorry
Oops... Wrong post. Sorry
I am a lawyer engaged to a
I am a lawyer engaged to a lawyer... TURN BACK WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!! But seriously... Don't listen to me. I'm doubting my own relationship right now and having serious second thoughts. He actually told me today that he is too, but if we don't work out, it's hookers for him from here on out and no one gets to meet his precious princess. Lucky hookers. Lol
Ok... Right post. I've been
Ok... Right post. I've been drinking. My shit is imploding, please forgive. Lol
I'm starting to get paranoid
I'm starting to get paranoid that my comments have either been deleted, or I'm posting them like an idiot all willy nilly like.... I haven't eaten in two days. My bad, if so