Support ME goddamit!
Tonight was one of two nights with DH. Tuesday through Saturday we are lucky if we see each other for more than hour before I go to bed. I work mornings, he works nights. But Sunday and Monday are his days off and I work. So he had all damn day with SD10. And then when I get home he spends the first 40 minutes finishing an episode of some show. Whatever, I hang out with my daughter, 7 months old. A while later, he makes dinner and we all, DH, SD10 and myself watch an episode of cupcake wars. Well I hold baby while they eat, put her to bed and then I get to eat. Anyways, halfway through eating my food, DH goes out to smoke a cigarette and SD10 jumps up to go sit outside with him. However, I ask that she put her plate in the kitchen first since she has finished with her dinner. "I ruined that," she says as she walks away. I was pissed, but instead of yelling I get up, take my food with me and go watch something else in our bedroom. Five minutes later when DH comes in from his cigarette, comes to find me in our room, I flat out tell him I do not want to watch TV with SD. Doesn't ask me why, or what happened, just turns around, walks out and shuts the door.
Forty minutes go by, an old friend calls him, to which I give him the phone. Comes back in half an hour later (after I've washed all the dinner dishes, loaded the dishwasher with plates and started laundry- all things he was "planning" on doing tomorrow), and asks if I want to watch a movie with him. I told him no and that I felt unsupported by him. He is always choosing SD over me. Of course he talked to her to find out what happened, but still chose to be with her rather than with me. I didn't get upset, and explained myself calmly- something I've been working on. He has all day with her and it's not my fault he chooses to not doing anything with her. I on the other hand have to spend 5 nights of the week with her, three of those being by myself, so I would rather spend time with MY HUSBAND than with his kid. He should have left her and come be with me. Instead, she doesn't get in trouble, and continues to be with her, as though supporting that it's okay to treat me like shit and she'll still get him. Says he wasn't trying to make me feel unsupported, and I replied that he wasn't trying to make me feel SUPPORTED. I keeping trying to actively give to this marriage and voicing what I want and need, but he isn't hearing me, or isn't actively listening to what I'm saying.
Says his EX has some delusion that they (our family and hers) will all get along and be one happy family. The truth is he's just as delusional thinking that he, SD, myself and our daughter are one big happy family. My family is him and our daughter, not with the SD that made four out of the past five years miserable. I wish he could see it the way I do, and it's not for lack of trying on my part, because then he might be more supportive of my choices surrounding her.
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Comments
It is very hard when the SDs
It is very hard when the SDs are disrespectful to us. I am of the opinion that the exes have a role to play in that sort of behaviour. The SDs do not believe that they should be polite to us & in the forefront of their minds we are the reason their parents are not together (true or not) so they hate us from the get go. That can only be dealt with by counselling & lots of prayers! The counselling route is not something embraced by our husbands, the exes or the SDs because it suggests that there is something wrong with them & they are not about to admit that to us, so we are stuck with dysfunctional people from all angles.
Where huzzy is concerned, he feels caught in the middle & torn between the SD & you, his wives. They say that because we are the adult we get the blade while the SDs get the handle. We always must understand & compromise & be the bigger party. Our feelings get pushed aside while the brats get to justify being bratty! It is sometimes a no-win situation & getting a separation or divorce is EXACTLY what the SDs & exes want to happen. We have to stick it out (unless our lives are at risk) & remind ourselves of our vows : for better or for worse...& it usually is for the worst!
Hence why we are on this site blogging about how angry, disgusted, disrespected, short-changed, abused, left-out, stressed, unappreciated, etc., etc., we feel.
Sometimes we just wish someone would see it from our side.
All our scenarios are unique in one way or another & unless we are physically present, we can only offer a virtual listening ear & a virtual shoulder to cry on.
My suggestion is that you gather your thoughts/feelings & write them down & then ask for a meeting ALONE with your husband. If he is respectful & honors you, he will hear you out. If not, then a 3rd party, like your minister/priest/pastor needs to intervene.
A 10 year old needs to have respect for her elders but she is going to resent u further for correcting her, so a meeting with her and her father present is important. I hope all goes well.
Thanks ladies! I enjoyed
Thanks ladies! I enjoyed reading both of your comments and found both of them helpful. Stressed_but_Blessed, I do believe in my vows for better or worse and yes, as of the last year it has been the worse (partially due to the lack of sleep because of our 6 month old daughter). And Dreamy30, your outlook is near that of mine. After attending a support group locally I've come to realize that I do not have to participate in the "family" dinners or "family" anythings. The times when I hate her I do not have to around her and it's okay because she's not mine. It has been a hard battle and DH is not to happy about it but he doesn't see it the way I do. SD is a brat, an only child and can manipulate her way out of most anything-except I see through it and we fight. Anyways, he will always love her despite her brattiness, but I, I do not love her and do not wish she were my own. I wont mind when my own daughter does that, but that's because we will have grown together loving each other, whereas with SD it was four years of her hating me despite my efforts. So I'm done trying to get her to see I'm a good person. She wants to think I'm mean, well, who the hell cares...