DH wants me to say sorry - o/t
Long story and mostly about taco meat.
I had a function at work where I volunteered to bring the taco beef. DH said he would cook it when I mentioned it to him 2 weeks prior. The day before the meat is needed DH goes and hangs out with his friends. I call him before I go to sleep asking if he remembered. He didn't. He said he would get the meat and cook it while I was sleeping.
Me, knowing DH and the many broken promises he has and all the times he has failed at coming through for me when I needed him, asked if he would just come home. I knew he was drinking with his friends and the chance of him coming back in the house at 4 AM cooking meat when I have to be to work at 6 was very high. I don't understand why he couodnt come home, cook the meat then go out since he was going to be out all night anyway. He said he was hanging out with his friends.
So I got right down nasty with him. Told him I hoped his friends would take him back and forth to work since Mr. DUI can't drive. Kiss the job bye because I knsiw these friends he was prioritizing weren't going to be there for him. And told him I was going to get new credit cards so he wouldn't be able to use Lyft to get around.
He texts me and says come get him. (But of course he didn't see those messages and he was already saying he was ready to go and happened to see them when he text me. Fair enough).
Yesterday, he wants to sit down and talk. He says he cleans up the house and takes care of the baby and still has to work and he thinks I treated him like a child by saying all those means things to him and threatening him with all those very mean things.
I work 40 hours a week/ wash cloathes/ make groceries/ physically pay the bills/ generally make ends meet on top of staying with the baby when he goes to work, driving him around everywhere and paying his fines on time. So its not like I am sitting on my @$$ and not helping with the house.
He says he can wash his own clothes. I can wash my own dishes. He smirks at me like I wouldn't do that. I'm just going to break down this part of the argument: he does everything in the house and feels unappreciated while everything I do doesn't count because he can do it himself.
I said i don't want you to feel taken advantage of but we all do what we need to do to keep the house going and everyone benefits from it. Then he brings up that I treated him like a child the other day and that it is impossible for me to apologize. I guess that is what he wanted but I don't see where I was wrong. I am sick and tired of begging him to do what he promises to do then not doing it butnhe always has time to do as he pleases. Let me not come through for him and its a problem.
prHe says he hasn't broken a promise in like 6 months. That's mostly because I don't ask him to promise anything but even knowing that, that does not mean that everything before 6 months disappears. But I mention the taco meat. He says he made that promise 3 weeks ago. I am dumbfounded. 6 months 3 weeks all these arbitrary time tables.
I told him I think he needs to seek more working hours because all the time we are spending together seems not to be helping us. Somehow I am the source of all his problems. And I am, I allow him to half ass everything but reap full benefits. It stopped last night.
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I don't mean to be a brat.
I don't mean to be a brat. Maybe I am misunderstanding something here... all of this over cooking up some ground beef? The way I am reading this, you were home and could have cooked it? Sure I might have been pissed that DH said he would do something and then forgot, but I wouldn't make a huge stink and demand that he come home... to cook ground beef??
Seems like there is a lot more to this than I am understanding maybe? Does he have a major drinking problem? Was that the underlying problem that he was out drinking?
This instance of this
This instance of this argument really did start from ground beef. For me it was because he promised to do it and I was depending on him doing it. He hasn't done any of the other things he said he was going to do like work on the downstairs apartment. The tipping point of why this blew up is because his friends were coming over and he wanted me to go buy them all beer so they could work on the apartment. I wasn't moving fast enough so he drove to the store. No license. For beer. For.friends. but nothing for wife who is sacked with your issues. AMD I told him what I thought about that.
he didn't have to really. He
he didn't have to really. He volunteered. I just wanted him to do what he said he was going to do. It was really a slap in the face to me that he told me "I am hanging out with my friends " it was something about that phrase and I flipped. He has always been a priority for me.
I haven't gone to church these past few Sundays because his pickup time is the time the service starts. I asked him to pick up an hour early but he still hasn't done it. But I didn't say to him "I'm hanging out at church".
It just bothered me. That's why I said this instance of this argument.
It is. He was supposed to do
It is. He was supposed to do to AA meetings but AA is religious. My agnostic husband told the evaluators that he shouldn't have to go because he doesn't follow any religion and this would go against his religious beliefs.
So they waived it. I hope this helps to explain his behavior.
It is a cop out. I hope this
It is a cop out. I hope this helps explain how this situation got here. Is is just an a$$.
Once I knew that my DH wasn't
Once I knew that my DH wasn't coming home then I would have just cooked the meat myself.
From the sound of it, sounds like you couldn't count on him to get it done, so then you should just handle yourself.
Also, is your husband an alcoholic? He recently got a DUI and he's still staying out all night drinking? Where are his priorities?
His priorities are somewhere
His priorities are somewhere out there stranded. I have been having priorities for him but I can't. It's weird I feel like I am disengaging from my husband.
At the time I didn't feel
At the time I didn't feel like I was pickingna fight. It was just hearing the phrase "I'm hanging with my friends" like that was supposed to mean something. That's when I flipped.
Normal me not under these circumstances probably would have just cooked the meat. But yea..... I'm about to get a big thing of salt. Leaving him alone to his consequences without me stepping in to shield him from them.
When you threaten to
When you threaten to dramatically cut your partner off because you do not trust their word it is disrespectful. If you did not trust that he would come home to do the taco meat you could have cooked it yourself rather than threaten to cut him off completely as a tactic to get your way. Then if he did wonder in at 4 am you could have a calm conversation with him the next day letting him know that you were disappointed he did not follow through on his promise and telling him that you were counting on him. Then you two could have tried to find a way together to try to avoid such situations in the future.
If you genuinely do want to start doing less for your husband then the respectful thing to do is to discuss it calmly with him giving him some answers as to why you are doing this and to allow him time to find ways to make things work without your help in those areas and to discuss the possibilities of compromises that might help ease your burdens but not be so impactful on your husband.
By threatening him you put him on the defensive and he brought up all the crap about housework etc to throw back in your face as his defense tactic. You two do not have a very good communication style. You threaten each other rather than finding ways to help each other. You compete on who does the most for the other rather than trying to see how you can ease the load of your partner. This is both of you btw. And yes it does suck sometimes to be the first person to apologize but even when we know we are not entirely at fault, apologizing helps to clear the air and move from accusatory conversations towards constructive conversations.
If I were you I would want the next conversations to focus on rebuilding a true partnership where you two work together and do not compete. If you two find that it is difficult to get there on your own then perhaps some professional help might be good.
I really don't compete with
I really don't compete with him. I have done everything I can to help him do more for himself and our family. I am at the point now where he feels like he is doing all he should be doing.
In the mean time I am supposed to pick up his slack. I will be doing all those things I said I was going to do but I will take your advice and tell him about it before I do.
Sounds to me like he is an
Sounds to me like he is an alcoholic, who doesn't want help. The excuse not to go to AA is a load of bull.
I knooooooow. I am so
I knooooooow. I am so surprised it worked. I have never heard of that AT ALL. I keep telling him the flying spaghetti monster or the floating tea pot he likes to mention is really flowing in his favor.
((hugs)) it's all I have for
((hugs)) it's all I have for you. This fight isn't about meat and I think you need to let this marriage go or force therapy for your husband. I'd go so far as to suggest an anti booze implant too.
This is just my
This is just my experience....
When my ex got a DUI (drugs, not booze), he stayed at home with the kids while I worked and then he worked a shift at night. It was no walk in the park, I'll give him that. It's tough feeling stuck and being tired but having to keep it moving. But he made the stupid decision he made and I made the stupid decision to give him another chance. He started slacking pretty quick and not cleaning, not cooking, and not paying any of his fines or attending his mandatory drug and alcohol classes. It became very clear that he had no intentions of staying sober or contributing to the household. He said that he didn't have a problem. It was just those of us around him that had the problem with his drug use. So therefore he didn't need to change. Hon, don't be stupid like I was. He's still using and it sounds like he's on a downward slide. I know the taco meat was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I think you were just so disappointed that he let you down AGAIN and got angry. He knows he's screwing up and he's projecting that on to you. Can you live with his drinking and the stupid decisions that he makes while under the influence? Can your family go through another DUI and the penalties that will result from it? Sometimes we can literally love a person to death. By enabling their behavior, we are driving them towards destruction. I think the most loving thing we can do for someone addicted is put our foot down and say, "NO!" That is how you enable him to save his own life.
He's a POS alcoholic. Expect
He's a POS alcoholic. Expect nothing.
lochness, you need counseling
lochness, you need counseling for yourself please. they'll help you determine an exit strategy.
i work w/ people like your dh ALL DAY LONG. a true 1st dui is extraordinarily rare - they've normally driven hundreds of times and just never got caught or wrecked. for a very small percentage, it's a harsh wake-up call - they serve their sentence, have their $#!t together, and i never see them again. but the vast majority dont. there's an ugly, ugly cycle, and your dh is well on his way. these people dont change until they want to, and your dh obviously does not want to.
i've seen people with countless alcohol offenses. they get more time tacked on, more fines/fees, more conditions. they get further behind, feel overwelmed with what is required of them, and get another offense. i know one guy with SEVEN pui's right now, and FIVE more that are still pending (all separate occasions - but thankfully he wasnt driving!!!)
your dh is still violating the law and exhibiting extremely dangerous and damaging behavior. how long will you sit by and whatch him spiral out of control? how many dui's will he get before you lose everything? are you going to wait until he kills someone? because if he continues down the path he's going, then it's not a matter of if, but when.
(((((hugs)))))
I wish I had known both of
I wish I had known both of you when I was going through a similar situation. Thank you for your wisdom.
I know how hard it is to leave a drunk/addict. They will tell you things like,
"So you're just going to give up on me like everyone else?"
"You're a bitch. I just made that one mistake!"
"Maybe if you weren't so horrible, I wouldn't have to drink."
It's all smoke and mirrors. He is abusing alcohol and your family is paying the price. .
Please take the time to see someone about this. You can't save him. But you can save yourself.
He is a grown man that has been given a lot more than he deserves. At some point you will have to draw the line. It may just save his life someday.
I know how you feel about the
I know how you feel about the broken promises. He wants to seem like the hero in making the promise but won't follow through.
It took me giving up and almost buying a new dishwasher and paying for installation for DH to finally (after 6 months) pick up the almost new dishwasher from my parent's garage and install it. And he had the balls to be offended that I "didn't trust he was going to do it."
These days I simply don't ask and begin working on whatever thing I feel needs to be done regardless of if he said he was going to do it. Does it piss me off. Hell yeah. Once I start though, he jumps in and goes "Hey I was going to do that!" and finishes it.
Well, then do it when you said you would! The world doesn't revolve around your schedule.
I pick my battles with this one--I don't outwardly show I'm upset because my final goal is for him to get it done.
In any case, the whole situation is toxic without this extra issue--the DUI and his refusal for AA meetings is a big one.
If your husband says he'll do
If your husband says he'll do something, he'll do it. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it!
I got DH a mug that said that last Xmas, we laughed but that's because it's so true!