So now DH is mad...
He's mad because I told him that his daughter is disrespectful. She treats me like a peace of furniture. She always has an attitude and is rude. He says he doesn't care if that's how she wants to be; she treats him the same way and yet, he goes to her bedroom to baby her and "see how she's doing." She's 16 - not 6!
She had her BM's live-in BF send her explicit messages while she lived with BM, so now she lives with us! Ugh!
- lisa510's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
UPDATE: DH had a talk with
UPDATE: DH had a talk with my SD and according to her there's nothing wrong. Well of course! She's the one with the attitude and the one controlling the tone of the house.
This young lady has been through some stuff so I go out of my way to do morale checks and make sure she's okay. I told my DH, I'm tired of being the one trying to communicate, cleaning, driving and so on. It's not fair to have to tolerate being treated like crap -- I really don't deserve it.
He finally had her come into our bedroom and told her that if she's in a bad mood (which seems like always) she's not to take it out on me. He told her to acknowledge me, that I wasn't going anywhere, that I will be with him for the next 40 years and that he loves me very much. He also mentioned to her that he knows what I'm talking about when I say she ignores me because she does it to him too.
FINALLY!!! MY DH SPEAKS!!
I hope things get better. This can go either way: she's either going to rebel or she's going to correct her behavior.
I just want to have a loving home for my skids as well as my own teenagers. Is that too much to ask?
You should disengage but SD
You should disengage but SD also needs counseling for what happened.
A morale check just means
A morale check just means making sure everything is okay. It's a military term. I ask her about her day at school, ask her if she feeling okay - I just check on her to make sure she's comfortable and to make sure she knows I care and she can talk to me if she needs to.
You must of misunderstood. She did NOT have her mom's LIBF do anything. He initiated explicit texts with her. He did it on his own. No one HAD him DO anything. He did it all on his own.
Lisa-your standards are high
Lisa-your standards are high being military I believe..and that's fine...some teens are more unruly then others-some have more attitudes then others,
But it's not THAT unusual for teens to be messy-ignore you-walk past you-roll their eyes-not want to be with you, etc. They don't care to know you care -they don't like to answer questions-they may take an innocent quesiton as you accusing or interrogating them and be so dramatic about things. LOL- Look-google online 16yr teenage daughter behavior...you'll find it. It's different because you aren't used to dealign with a girl, and a teen girl at that. It can be difficult.
I personally think boys are harder to deal with when younger-more hyper, active, energetic, loud, gross (as in potty talk all the time), they fart, laugh about it, talk about nasty things, get dirty-bring their smelly friends in after sweating outside...that kind of thing.
Girls-from the babies on CAN be (not all cases of course) very sweet, milder, quieter, less active-seem less defiant, cleaner, -all the things boys aren't...but hit teenage years? Give me a boy ANY day!!
I know-I was one...i was hell to my mom-and I couldn't STAND my mother-my OWN mother. It was hell for both of us-my hormones going nut-so you had a teenage daughter with a menopausal mother..i'm surprised we lived honestly.
I admit that I can have high
I admit that I can have high standards. I have purposefully relaxed my standards so that I didn't shock the skids. I'm trying to be flexible and I will continue to try.
As for teen girls: my sister tells me the same things you do. I have two teenage boys of my own; they clean up, do their homework, give out hugs; once in a while fart and burp - but they show genuine appreciation and I can discipline them in a New York second. They're just happy go lucky guys.
I'm keep working on it!!
The problem is that her BM is
The problem is that her BM is still with the LIBF and when my SD sees her BM, she sees the LIBF, too. And yet my DH is trying to get custody of his daughter; he still pays BM CS because the Attorney General has not processed his request to be the new custodial parent.
So, my DH and I have this young lady in counseling, I am trying to help him be a better parent, and we're trying to build this family. But with BM allowing her LIBF be around her daughter, I could see how my SD is confused. It's like no one sees anything wrong with my SD being around this guy, except my DH and I.
As for DH standing by his words and sticking with the plan, we'll see. I think next time I'm just gonna do what someone else suggested: I'm just gonna confront her and say, "I understand you're going through some difficult times, but that doesn't give you permission to treat me like crap. Cut it out."
I'm going to the bookstore this weekend!
Good idea lisa, and from the
Good idea lisa, and from the sounds of it your husbands has backed you up and addressed her, that is wonderful!!!
Why is always the first suggestion to every situation to disengage?? Do we just use our own personal experience and apply to all?
Honestly I don't see anythign much different then normal 16yr old behavior...perhaps a little pronounced-udnerstandable given her mom choses to live with a man that's hitting on her. (which is sick).
You know-moms and daughters during teen years even the best of families it turns very sour-it can be horrid-it was this way with me and my mom, i would imagine even more so with a sd and smom. So cut yourself both some slack-part of it is normal teenage/mom behavior in many many families experience it. Don't think it's all because you're a stepmom. I'd reconsider the disengage advice unless you find you absolutely need to. Not sure you're there now. I'm sure moms/teen daughters feel like disengaging all the time too lol
Ok-so are we saying that 90
Ok-so are we saying that 90 pct of the women here married men that are shitty fathers and spouses??? Or are 90pct of the men described are shitty fathers and husbands??? Seems awfully grim or exaggerated-because I don't believe for a second that 90pct of women on this board chose to-or even did marry such losers. Same as I don't believe that 90pct or more on this board should chose to read that book and disengage from their family because we may be cynical about each and every family (step)/marriage.
I think people make mistakes-everyboyd can learn how to better parent-be better as a stepchild to a parent/stepparent, sure...but not every single one is a lost cause to be discarded, broken apart or disengaged from. What kind of life is that really.
I understand that there are extreme examples and cases to where this may be needed-at least momentarily. I know you feel burn out and cynical about it ever working-so you shoot your experience/what you've seen from the hip as standard advice-but think about it a moment.
If we all advised others to do what we did because we perceive everythign to be f'ed up as we are living....it's not that simple. The first words out of my mouth if a woman described an abuser was-leave, get out immediately, divorce the bastard...I became hypersensitive as well-that a guy who might be a great guy but makes one "off color" joke would make me jump to "he's an abuser-they'll never change-you should just leave".
My pain/misery and seeing so many cases of abuse around me on a board I attended DID color my perception and advise and views -I was way to close/immersed with it to be logical. That's all I'm saying.
I married my DH because he's
I married my DH because he's a loving man and treats me the way I like to be treated. He's a very good father. The fact of the matter is, his ex had custody of his daughter for the past 3+ years - until his ex's LIBF hit on my SD (16YO). So after that time elapsing, he now has his daughter back after mommy had her and did who-knows-what with her.
He just hasn't had the practice and, yes, he parents out of guilt. Many of us have done that. I slip into that with my own boys and DH has to point it out to me once in a while.
I think people want to do their best. Sometimes we don't have the tools or training or example or support. How many of us wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say, "Today, I'm gonna do what I can to be the crappiest dad and husband I can be," or "Today, I'm gonna do my best to be the worse stepmother a child can have and the worse wife to my husband."