This would make me crazy. I have SS16 full time, and although not great, I thinks it's better than having to deal with unpredictable schedules.

In the beginning, SO and I always had to take SS every time we left town. I told SO that I want us to have an adults only couples trip. And we did. Now holidays, SS should always be involved but just trips, I don't want to spend a bunch of money just to listen to whiney boy the whole time.

If I were you I would just be honest with DH that adult only trips are important in strengthening the adult relationship.
And I would be honest about your feelings about the custody schedule. When he changes the schedule at the last minute, and fails to even consult you, he's treating you like a visitor in your own home. He's not considering your feelings. And he's not treating you as his equal.

Now you already showed how overly defensive he is even if you don't mention SD. SO if you decide to be honest with him, I would prepare for him to go on the defensive. Standard defenses are you're coming between me and my kids, you hate SD, any putdown that will make you feel unreasonable that might get you to back off. From this site I've learned that those are things I should not give any credence to.

This is always a tough one, and I hope your DH will change this crazy custody schedule.

>>>>>>>I know he wants sd11 to think of our home as her home that she can come to anytime she wants<<<<<<<

I can understand that feeling that DH's have because mine said basically the same thing to me. My response was, "But while trying to do the things that will make SK's think of our home as their home, you're alienating someone whose home this is full time, ME."

There were times we would make plans, just the two of us (I would have made other weekend plans for my kids) because DH said he wouldn't have his kids. Then at the last minute, the BM would call and say " Our plans are canceled, I told them they could come to your house." And DH would feel guilty and toss our plans to the curb.

One time, I went without him. Alone. He was angry about it and said something to his parents that weekend when they asked where I was. His mom (an angel!!) told her she'd do the same thing I did -- it's not fair that he would cancel our plans just because BM wanted to dump the kids again. All adults need "alone" time, and she was surprised I'd put up with it for that long.

Now we plan at least two nights a month he and I do something alone (no kids). And of course, we also set aside one week a year for a vacation as a couple.

Here is my take...

Yes, kids should feel welcome in both parent's homes. However if FDH and his ex were still together would he allow his 12 yr old daughter to decide whether she was at their place or a friend's place for the night? Would he and his ex expect her to be 'home' when she is supposed to be home? Would he not be concerned if a 12 yr okld was making decisions on where and when she would see her parents?

Sadly in a split parental situation there HAS to be some consistency. If he thinks she is at her mothers and BM thinks she is with him then how do you know who is repsonisble for their childs safety or where the h3ll she is? And if it is on BMs custodial time and SD 'decides' to come over for the weekend to your place, who is legally responsible for her?

Another thought is taking your BIL away for a weekend for a relaxing time will not appeal to a 12 yr old. This may be a sad time, BIL and FDH may start talking about 'arrangements' which may distress SD. Or they may sit around telling stupid jokes and playing "Remember when...".

Just as in the biological family unit there is accountability so too in a new family. Yes, this is another home for her. But she is 12 and must check to see if it is convenient. Unfortunatley if BM has no personal life (like our BM) and her home wqas ALWAYS welcome to her boys and they could come home whenever they wanted, not to mention she kept their fam. home, DH was hitting his head against a brick wall in wanting his sons to feel comfortable in our home.

This is one of those things that I am so on the fence about. I totally see your point. But I also see SD and DH’s point.

I really have do advice but I do feel for you. This was the way SS and DH were too. I used to gripe about it but DH would then point out that if “I” only saw “my” kids a few days here and there, I would jump at the opportunity to have them on extra weekends even if it was late notice.

And he was right. UGH!!

The MAIN problem with the OP's situation that everyone is missing is that the ADULTS are allowing a CHILD to dictate the visitation schedule.

Katielee- just read some of Redwings blogs to find out what happens when the parents let the child decide when she will visit. Her husband let his daughter decide when she would visit and it led to the child deciding she did not want to visit anymore. Now BM is taking them to court for MORE CS because the child doesn't visit any more.

You need to nip this in the bud right now!!!!

It's not about letting a child feel welcome in the home. It's about the ADULTS being the adults and the CHILD being the CHILD.

Not being able to plan alone time for weekends is stressful. From the perspective of his relationship with his daughter it's a positive that they are able to have extra time together but in terms of his relationship with you it's difficult not to have predictable time couple time at weekends and sets you up to feel in competition with her for his time. But I can see why your FH was confused when you said you wanted a quiet weekend alone, and then you suggested inviting his brother.