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Update - working it out????

kaffonseca's picture

Submitted by kaffonseca on Tue, 06/09/2009 - 9:53am

Well FH treated me like a complete jerk yesterday..he was at work..but he couldn't even call me on his lunch break, I was very hurt and crying all day after he "dumped me". He went to lunch with his coworker..I don't know..I'm the type of person that I would make it a priority and have taken lunch by myself to call the other person. But I realize that men don't deal with confrontation or stress the same way women do. I have learned that over and over so many times.

All day he kept saying it would be best if we broke up..that he doesn't make me happy and all I do is b**tch all the time and argue. I called my mom, and she told me that I DO have a habit of ALWAYS arguing about little stuff..and that I need to pick my battles.

I DO obsess over BM..but it's a personal issue between her and I and my BD13 (she harassed her too). Yesterday BD had SS at the park down the street and BM drove by TWICE..slowly and just looked at SD. I called FH about it and he basically said what can I Do? It's a public street. he DID call her and she just said she was going to store..so waht can I really do? NOTHING..just ignore her, the mroe I make an issue of it the more she will know it bothers me..but I told FH IF she stops or says anything to my daughter I will go to police station and file a restraining order.

As for FH long story short (after ignoring me, blowing me off all day yesterday) he says yes we can work it out. He said he will continue to make boundaries with BM and if she "beeps at him in traffic again" he will let her beep all the way in front of her house and she can than get SS out of car. He said he can and wants to be loyal, but he said that I HAVE to stop always arguing about everything and stop talking about her EVERYDAY.

I don't have a choice..my way is not working .. my constantly bitching about her..so I will just bite my tongue. I WONT let her get what she wants! Our anniversary is this weekend, and I plan on having a nice one. I'm going to have him drop off SS early to BM and we will go out into the city to have a nice dinner outside (hope the weather is nice)

I'm going to disenage though..alot. And I started putting $$ away already into an account in case down the road things don't work..I don't want to be completely broke and no where to go. I want to be prepared. It sucks though..that I have to live my relationship like this..one day we were a fairytale couple, than like a nightmare it collapsed.

Comments

BridgingTheGap's picture

Submitted by BridgingTheGap on Tue, 06/09/2009 - 10:45am

He's willing to work things out with you. Its better than having him give up on you altogether go running back to BM.

What kept me going in my battle to disengage from the BM was the fact that if me and BF broke up, she would over the moon with joy. She can't wait for the day he announces that I was too immature or selfish or whatever to be with him. She would love nothing more.

Don't give BM the satisfaction of knowing that she has the power to ruin your and DH's happiness. And you will never be able to forgive yourself for letting her come between you and your man.

Go on and enjoy your anniversary. Look your best and show DH just how wonderful you are (in the bedroom hehe)

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Tue, 06/09/2009 - 11:01am

Jealousy is a relationship killer!! Whether it's unfounded or absolutely spot on... Jealousy just brings out all sort of behaviors that do NOT help us in our day to day lives. I have, when I was younger, ruined relationships due to jealousy and my own insecurity of myself. Here's what I did to help me when I got into current relationship:

1. This sounds harsh Kaff, but make sure that you have an out. Saving your money and knowing that you could leave is great. But remind yourself and tell yourself that you do not need to be abused, etc. You can start over. It would suck, but people have done more with less, so you can do it, if you absolutely had to. Find some instance in your life where you overcame a big obstacle and REMIND YOURSELF OF THAT INSTANCE every day if you have to. You got through that then... you'll get through this now.

2. Look at BM for what she truly is. Not the woman that DH fell in love with a long time ago!! Not the woman who you imagine her to be when she was with DH. Look at her for what she is TODAY. Hard and with clear eyes. Although I don't like comparing looks, for you right now, this is the time to do it. Are you prettier, healthier, smarter, better job, funnier ,whatever? Find out what you are better at and REMIND YOURSELF OF THAT all the time!!

3. And this is the most important one. Ask your husband if you can, what their divorce was really about. And learn from it. And make sure you do not do the same thing. OR, just as important - if they split because of his infidelity, keep your eyes OPEN. If DH tells you that he no longer loves exwife, or that she was a bitch or that they grew apart... accept the answer and REMIND YOURSELF OF THAT REASON all the time.

The thing I tell myself about BM here all the time is that she sponges off of men. She feels that she has no life, if she doesn't have a man to take care of hers. Her life is only really great / better if she has someone else to pay the bills. I am NOT like that, nor have I ever been. And it's not working out too well for her. That's why sometimes I feel sorry for her. And I see how DH truly thinks she's an ass. That's how I got over any jealousy of her. That's why I could care less if she tries to talk to DH about SD, or if he needs to call her and she keeps him on the phone for an hour, or if she comes into our home. Or, if she even confides in DH and asks him about her current boyfriend and the issues they have. It makes me LAUGH at her because she's an idiot. If you can get to that place, you'll be golden. Good luck. Start tearing down your perception of what BM is...

Gia's picture

Submitted by Gia on Tue, 06/09/2009 - 11:06am

you need to prove that your daughter is in danger. Meaning, abuse of some sort has taken place (either physical or emotional).

About "making it work", I really hope you two can make it work and he can learn from his mistakes...

The part that I do not get is that he doesn't sound like he was ver humble with the whole situation when he should have been kissing your ass... and, how did he jump from "we shouldn't be together, you bitch too much" TO "let's make it work" ?

Understand this as well, if you were really arguing too much, he should have talked to you and you two as a couple should have tried to find a soulution... going around trying to meet someone else is NOT a solution, and the fact that you were "bitching" is not a valid excuse... does he recognize he was wrong? it sounds like he wants to make it work only if YOU change... when he was the one who was wrong...

~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's

kaffonseca's picture

Submitted by kaffonseca on Tue, 06/09/2009 - 12:01pm

I can get a restraining order because my daughter is a minor and BM is over the age of 21..if she is harassing my daughter or making her feel threatened I can def. get one..I have checked into that already. Bottom line, is BM should not be harassing MY birth daughter..if she continues she WILL pay the consequences..I stopped resorting to physical violence YEARS ago..so I will just bring it to the courts..

As for FH..you are correct..he is NOT acting very humble in all of this and I am VERY upset by that..he admits what he did was wrong..and has sworn that he will not do that again..that he made a mistake..I may be a fool for staying..I'm not saying I beleive him, but I will give him the chance. ONE chance.

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"

kaffonseca's picture

Submitted by kaffonseca on Tue, 06/09/2009 - 11:07am

I have to print these responses out and tape them to wall next to my computer at work so I can constantly remind myself. I'm a very strong person..I have been thru worse in my life and survived..I need to LEARN from my past mistakes and stop making same ones.

I am prettier than BM..have an education, have goals,etc..the ONLY thing I can say good about BM is in jeans she has a MUCH bigger AZZ than me! LOL! and she has FH's son..that is it.

He asked her to leave because she was always arguing and never let him go out with friends or have friends over. On her defense,if he was doing what he just did to me -talking to girls, than I don't blame her for being up his azz..but it was the constant arguing that made him ask her to leave the house. So I guess I need to learn from that, because it was the arguing this time that pushed him away.

I don't take all the blame and I won't allow anyone to control or abuse my self esteem..but I will concede to meet him halfway on this one and give it ashot with less arguing.

Jealousy SUCKS..I hate it..I have to work on that and read some books on it. I have to develop other ways to deal with it.

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Tue, 06/09/2009 - 11:15am

It's interesting to me that your DH got divorced for stuff that is similar to what you are writing. So be careful. He may pick women that are jealous to stroke his ego. Just know that you do not NEED him. You don't. You're prettier. You have an education, and goals. He can never take away your education. And you CAN achieve your goals with or WITHOUT him. So don't let him play you. Look at him with open eyes too and see if he is trying to make you jealous of Ex... I'm happy that you are addressing your own issues.. those are the only ones you can. DH can be with you, or he can get the hell out of the way!! Wink Good luck!!