totally happy to totally miserable :(
How does it happen...you go from being ecstatically happy and in love to miserable and resentful overnight? I blame it all on BM and my own insecurities AND FH lack of parenting.
First..I just can't deal with BM and her drama..FH moved into a bigger place a few months ago and lo and behold it's two minutes from so I pass her in traffic all the time and than she does that annoying horn blaring thing at me. And of course seems like FH runs into her everywhere now also, doctor's office, mcdonalds..etc..where we lived before he never ran into her..it was the other side of town. I know it's me though...he has been perfect with her as far as setting boundaries..telling her off, defending me,etc..it's just my own insecurities and my deep deep dislike of this woman..thing is if she would just cut the drama I'd be fine with her..I'm a very forgiving person and HATE being on outs with anyone..I could never be "friends" with her because she is a backstabber and tries to get with my FH whenever she can.
His parenting skills...he works 9-9 at night..so I'm left with transporting, cooking, taking care of this child..well this past weekend he had off because of the holiday...I decided to disengage...when he is home - it's his responsiblity to take care of his child, EVERYONE else takes care of this child 24/7 seven days a week.
So 1) he did NOT give this child a bath ALL weekend - and he was outside playing
2) tI had put a clean sheet folded on the top of SS's bed Friday night and took the old one off...FH NEVER put the sheet on his bed...so the child slept on just the mattress with plastic.
3) more than once this child would ask FH for something and FH would direct him to me..at this point I can't tell the kid no..I mean I DO love this kid.
4) FH for TWO weeks now has NOT looked in the child's backpack from school that comes home on Friday with important paper.
5) SS stayed home from school sick yesterday, FH never called the school..he said "I got to work and forgot"
I went from this man being awesome (which he still is, he treats me like gold) but these things are fundamentals ... that I can't just sit back and watch...it's neglect to me.
We had a huge argument and I told him everything..he said "I can't be in this relationship - we argue all the time and you bring up BM EVERYDAY. "
I don't know what to do anymore. I want out.
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Well I doubt you would bring up BM
everyday if she wasn't laying on the horn everyday. I would file charges on her somehow. That's got to be illegal to try to distract the driver every freaking time you see them. I don't know how you manage to not get out of the car and punch her right in the mouth.
Maybe you should move.
And your DH has got to realize that HE is the child father. You are not a birth parent and shouldn't be just expected to do all of these things for HIS child. He didn't even notice they weren't done because he just assumes you are going to do it. Which I guess is okay, if you guys are on the same page. But, apparently you are not.
I'm sorry you are having a bad day. It'll get better. (((hugs)))
~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~
similar situation with my BS dad and his wife
My sons father used to TOTALLY use his wife to take care of my son 100% when he was with them. She got him ready for school,made his breakfast,picked him up from school,bathed him,fed him,the WHOLE nine yard... after about a year of this she basically told him that she shouldn't have to be mommy just because he's too lazy to take care of his son when he is there for visitation. I can't say I blame her for feeling that way. She ended up leaving him and is much happier now. She still visits my son but she realized she was being taken for a fool by my ex.
~I've been drinkin down your pain...gonna turn that whiskey into rain and wash you away...~
I think all this BM BS is now
affecting yur relationship with FH big time....he's used to u doing everything, Kaff, so when u disengage, he doesn't even realize what he needs to do, because lets face it, most of our DHs married us because we are NOT the BM and are awesome Moms for their kids!!! So finally they have a woman in their home that they know will take care of everything....problem is...if Mama ain't happy, no one is happy...so when u get upset about the BM issue and it doesn't get resolved u disengage at home (which u have EVERY right to do)and then u start to look at FH with different eyes...trust me I did the same thing....and I even told him I didn't like his parenting skills, but then I had to look at myself and say...hmmmm...I didn't point out his parenting skills when I was happy and there was no BM BS, I just did everything to MY standards and was happy about it. BM is the problem here...yur just like me...u have to find a way to get it through DH's head that if the BM issue is not resolved some how, some way, yur relationship is in big trouble. U have to find a way to make him REALLY hear u, Kaff... {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
"there are three sides to every story....your side, my side and the truth :)"
Lotus
Yes that is what it sounds like..I think you are able to pinpoint it better..I did start to disengage also though when he would point out that the laundry was not put away..or that I left shoes out (how can he be so anal about laundry and shoes but not about his own kid being clean)? So I went off on him telling him how much I DO! I work 9-5 take care of his kid..deal with his kid and his behavior problems...etc..and instead of giving me appreciation he bitches about a pair of shoes not put away!??!!
I have tried sooo many times to talk to him about my insecurities with BM. IT all stems from ONE incident..we got in a fight and he went to BM and told her what it was about (it was about her) than they were texting each other..he apologized for it said it would never happen again..but now the trust has been broken.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
OHHH GIRL!!!
"I did start to disengage also though when he would point out that the laundry was not put away..or that I left shoes out (how can he be so anal about laundry and shoes but not about his own kid being clean)? So I went off on him telling him how much I DO!"
No way! :jawdrop: My response would have been, "YOU LIVE HERE TOO!!!"
END OF STORY! Don't EVER come to me and point out shit that ain't done because you're gonna be doing it all by yourself from now on if you do Mister!
namaste
Yea..I did tell him...well come home earlier than and do it yourself..or I told him instead of feeding, bathing, taking care of YOUR child..I'll do my laundry..feed myself and you can take care of YOUR child when you get home.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
He threw you
under a bus to his ex and told her about your fight? See, I have had to deal with this as well. (long time ago) I know what you mean about the trust being broken in an instance such as that. DH's should never discuss the current marriage with the ex-wife. That is majorly crossing the line.
asalways..yes
We were arguing because I thought he had gone behind my back and had gotten her a present for her bday (behind my back),..so he left our house to drop SS off at home and she knew he was mad..she asked what was wrong and he told her..."Kaff is mad because she thinks I bought you a gift"
I only even found this out because we were still arguing that night when she texted him saying "are you ok"...WTF! Was that..so I asked him and he told me..I than called her up to bitch her out for asking why she was asking MY man if he was ok..and she told me everything..and beleive me there was more to the story that got me mad.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
ahhh that's what it is...
the trust issue...very hard to get back when lost, and in my case, impossible to get back :(...and in yur case...man...how can u get past the trust issue when she is honking at u every day and he runs into her everywhere?...I think he needs to be the one to do the work now, he broke the trust and he has to find a way to fix it with u, even if he has to break off all contact with BM, except in cases of emergencies....I think, only from experience, if he can find a way to make u feel that u are truly #1 in this situation, u might not feel insecure about BM and her BS....I mean if he had not run to her in the first place after a fight with u, u wouldn't feel insecure....I mean hell,,,,who WOULDN'T feel insecure if their SO did that???
"there are three sides to every story....your side, my side and the truth :)"
I know it's extremely
frustrating. I often find myself getting upset over the way my FH handels his responsibilities with skids too. I'd like to use your situation to show you how I deal/handle these things.
1) he did NOT give this child a bath ALL weekend - and he was outside playing
*****My FH does this as well. It's just not something he remembers to do, and since he works he wants to spend time with kids as much as possible so often he will put them to bed at last minute and forget completely about the bath. I think it's just a man thing. MY FH sometimes doesn't even want to the hassle of showering himself.*****
2) tI had put a clean sheet folded on the top of SS's bed Friday night and took the old one off...FH NEVER put the sheet on his bed...so the child slept on just the mattress with plastic.
****FH would never wash sheets of ours or skids. The only reason these things get done are because I do them. Again, I think it is just a guy thing. As long as crap isn't lying around everywhere, he feels the house is clean even though there is a layer of dust over everything. Also, FH looks at me like I'm asking him to perform surgery when I ask him to help me put sheets on and make our bed.****
3) more than once this child would ask FH for something and FH would direct him to me..at this point I can't tell the kid no..I mean I DO love this kid.
****Sounds like your FH looks at you as the "director" of the house. This is usually not a bad thing. Don't feel bad saying no. You should take advantage of this. If the child asks for a snack and your FH asked him to ask you, just say "Sure you can, FH can you please get skid a snack" and walk away. Easy as that. That way you are politely referring skid back to his father and putting the responsibility back on Daddy.
4) FH for TWO weeks now has NOT looked in the child's backpack from school that comes home on Friday with important paper.
****My FH never even asks skids about school or school work. The only time it is addressed is when BM says that they have to do this and that for school tomorrow. Again, just a guy thing I think.*****
5) SS stayed home from school sick yesterday, FH never called the school..he said "I got to work and forgot"
*****Your FH probably did just forget. He should have called at the time the decision was made for SS to stay home.****
My point, alot of men seem to need help and direction when it comes to children and their responsibilites. Let's call it "training". Some need a lot of reminders and direction. If you love this man, which it sounds like you do, just gently give him some direction on what is supposed to be done. I have to do this quite often with FH. Ask/remind him to do things that you choose to disengage from.
I can so relate
I could have written your post except my BM(BitchMonster) completely ignores me and goes after my FH.
The first issue is BM. You need to pick a nice, quiet time to talk to fh in a loving way(stuff the hatred down deep inside lol) and say that the BM needs to stop...you're sick inside over her drama, and although he's handling it in a way that makes you proud, you need him to be on board with you to validate your feelings. Explain to him that her behavior affects you and your relationship and that you're doing the best you can to cope and need his help.
I found that by not fighting with fh and creating a warm, loving environment at home, he's gotten less fighty with me and is more clingy and loving...and that's when you can say in a loving way that you're struggling with BM crap. Don't blame him or accuse or demand...just state how you feel because of her. He'll probably feel less cornered and accused that way. That's how you get him to be on your team...it's hard not to want to rip into him for her behavior, but by being kind to him he's more eager to help you feel better--at least that's what I found.
As far as his parenting or lack of parenting, it might just be his style. He might be more laid back about things or he might be expecting you to step in and fill the 'mother' role that BM used to play. Talking to him again calmly and in a loving way might help him to open up and explain what he wants from you.
It's hard to be nice when they're irritating you and you want to run the bm over with her own vehicle, but in my experience things get better when you remember why you fell in love with FH in the first place, and speak to him in a loving, thoughtful way. Sounds corny as hell but it's working for me pretty good now.
Good luck.
LT