I hired skid1
I have said in prior posts that skid1, aka sd18, has been steadily pulling her head out of her ass.
Her attitude is much better.
She is in school and night school so she can graduate on time with her class. Lowest grade on her report card is a C+. Literally one point from a B and the C is in Gym. Considering this kid used to think "excercise" was having to get OFF the couch to go to the bathroom or fridge, big improvement.
She has been going to the shelter, serving meals, helping me do haircuts etc and almost has all of her hours in. Out of the 200 she owed she has a little under 50 left (was supposed to be 100 at the shelter/100 roadside trash, judge changed it to all at the shelter).
She is looking over colleges that she wants to go to, aware she is doing community college for the first year to prove to a university that she is on the right track.
She is attending counseling. Individual, additional sessions with her dad, and family (me,him and her)
She is still living at DH's brothers house and per BIL and SIL is pulling her weight. She has started recently with talk of wanting to come "home" and has brought this up at counseling.
DH is thinking it is time to allow her to come home and I am in agreement with him. My agreement apparently shocked the hell out of him, her and the counselor last night. I guess the three of them thought it was going to take a lot of convincing. I had to remind all three of them that I never expected "perfection", I expected honest effort and for her to be respectful and pull her weight in school and at home.
DH's is going to have his attorney write a letter to the judge, outlining all the positive changes, and requesting she drop the order keeping SD18 out of the house. We hammered out a contract with her at the therapist office last night. Expectations on behavior and grades. That any violence and cussing are prohibited and if she resorts to any violence at all she will be moving out again. She has a 9pm curfew on school nights- to ensure she gets enough sleep as she has to be up at 5am.
Weekends/holidays/summer her curfew is 1am. That she was questioning until I explained I really wanted her home, safe, in the house before the drunks rolled out of the bars and at 18... there really isn't anything to "do" after 1am. If there is a 'special circumstance' where she would need/want to stay out later, she can ask her dad for an exception but she needed to understand that special circumstances do not happen every weekend. I fully expect her to request to stay out on Prom night... and the night she finally graduates- hell I stayed out late those nights as a senior myself!
And until summertime: I hired her. She is officially the taxi driver of the house. Since she is going to school and doing the shelter she does not have the time to get a part time job. I drive my new car pretty much everywhere and the mom mobile (suv) sits unused. She agreed to be the weekend taxi driver, getting her younger siblings to any weekend performances, friends houses, movies, etc etc. Her night school is monday wednesday and friday, so if there is taxiing needed on Tuesday/ Thursday she will handle those days as well.
Her dad and I will upkeep the SUV and keep gas in it, keep it insured etc for her to perform her job.
Her base pay is $50.00 a week. That ensures she makes sure that the taxi driver is there for the siblings: and the job comes before her wanting to sleep in/be lazy/go to the beach. Any day she spends more than 2 hours ferrying the skids around is an additional $20. Days she spends less than 2 hours driving them around - but did have to take them somewhere- is an additional $10.00.
Considering the three youngest always have something going on Tuesdays and Thursdays as well as Saturdays she is looking at being able to make about $90 a week- money well spent since I can then work and not go nuts driving these kids everywhere! Since her dad and I are handling all overhead, that is money for her. To save, spend as she sees fit etc.
Once she graduates she is to look for at least part time employment. I want her actually working for the summer and start becoming the adult that her 'age' says she is. Until she finds employment, she can continue playing taxi driver.
Cross your fingers for me: I really hope this kid changed. I really want to believe that. And I guess we are about to find out.
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Comments
Oh wow! It sounds like your
Oh wow! It sounds like your SD has grown leaps & bounds. I hope it continues & that she doesn't start to stray from her current path.
The taxi idea is great! Gives her time with the siblings, puts responsibility on her & gives her some extra cash
good thinking JHW!
Great news all round Was
Great news all round
Was really hoping your sd18 would pull her head out of her arse and realise the reality of her actions and what they were doing to her and you guys.
I think shes incredibly fortunate to have such a supportive SM, as many would have washed their hands of her (and I wouldn't blame them either). Instead you have worked with her, given up your time, energy and money to try and help her and this appears to be paying off (along with the support from the family and her own hard work in changing). I hope your DH is kissing your butt in thanks for your kind heart?! Diamonds work well too
Actually that got brought up
Actually that got brought up at our session last night. The dramatic change in the household. Counselor asked what facilitated the change. My answer was DH becoming supportive and acting like a partner to me.
DH got quiet. Counselor pushed him for an answer and he said that when all this crap hit the fan he talked to his dad who advised him to 'stop trying to do the womans job'. That the man's job was to be the heavy, pay the bills, kick the kids in the a$$ when needed, and do whatever it took to keep his woman happy so she would handle all the rest of the crap life threw at the family.
He said his dad told him that while he was single it was ok to play both mom and dad, he aint single, he's got a woman that is willing to help, step the hell back into his role and let the woman run the house and kids. He said he thought back to growing up and that is how his dad played it, he and his brother were happy, his parents have been married nearly 40 years happily and he decided to try it. He sat back and let me take control of the house and the hurricane quickly turned into a spring shower. He also offered up HE is happier now because there is little to no stress in the house, little conflict and he knows if I advise him to kick a child in the a$$ it is needed, not a matter of 'you don't like my kid.' Probably also helps that I don't make decisions for his kids. They are told "ask your dad" and then he brings it to me and we discuss it if its something big. If its a matter of can I go to a friends house he is the one that says yes/no.
Therapist laughed. Admitted his dad's answer was the most sexist statement she had ever heard the way it was worded, but the underlaying statement to the advice was sound. That his father effectively told him "no matter what, back your spouse up, make sure SHE is happy."