Sd finally answered DH's emails
Well, after months of reaching out to SD in Voicemails and ultimately emails and facebooking, she is starting to have a conversation with DH. Before the bus incident, she was leaving one sentence answers. Now at least they are having a semi conversation. Granted, it was about finals but it is a start. I am sure the long emails to BM telling her that he feels she is keeping SD away from him, may have worked.
Personally, I am skeptical and that the timing is suspicious. One week after Hannukah and she didn't get a single gift from her Dad and just before Christmas and she is not getting anything from me or my family for the holiday. I casually mentioned it to DH that she is probably hoping for a gift. He said I don't know why, I don't get Christmas gifts. I just dropped it. He won't see it until it is really obvious.
The other thing is the mediation is set for January and it will determine the CS. So he doesn't want to do anything to upset any of that. I told him I would like to be there. Don't really want to, but I want to get my point across, that she and SD14 can't say such horrible things about me and my parenting and I don't get to rebutt any of it. I know it will come up that all of this is because I married him and made SD miserable. I just wanted rules and accountability for bad behavior. Nothing more. But, that demonizes me to BM and SD.
With SD actually answering his emails, I am worried that this opens the door for her to come back in this house. I am preparing for that argument. I don't want her to ever live here again. She wanted to live with mom, she can keep her. Let her deal with the attitude and the temper tantrums. I am not going to be the bad guy again. Things are just getting so nice with DH and our marriage. I finally feel like we are the same page and have the same goals. Move the remaining kids on to college without going crazy. We have 2.5 years with BS and I am done and he has 5.5 with SS12. I am tired of worrying I am saying or doing the wrong things with his kids. I am tired of my son feeling caught in the middle of SD14 and her attitude. At least she is now staying at the front of the bus and he is at the back. I don't know what is going to happen when school resumes after the break. It was three phone calls and two trips to the school and several emails to get that accomplished.
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See I'm sorry but the natural
See I'm sorry but the natural instinct of a parent is to never give up hope when it comes to their children and I'm sure YOU have that very same instinct when it comes to your own son and yet you expect your DH to just never have anything to do with his own daughter ever again just because she doesn't like YOU... this site talks REPEATEDLY about DISENGAGING. For reasons I can't quite understand you refused to do that. Now you expect your DH to NEVER allow his own daughter back into what should be HIS home too???
In one of your earlier blogs you stated that you were slowly but surely taking SD's pictures down and hiding them and that your DH noticed and got upset but you planned to continue to do it until they were all gone. That's just plain hateful and it's a complete and total lack of respect for your own DH.
Not a total lack of respect.
Not a total lack of respect. But, protecting myself and the other kids in this house from her hostility. I respect my DH very much and truly respect his handling of this situation. Obviously you have not read everything that she has done lately to us.
I have never said that I didn't want DH to have a relationship with her. I do. I just do not want to be involved in it anymore. If you knew everything she has done to me and my son and my DH you would feel the same. I do not want her poisonous attitude in this house. My right as long as I am paying for half the bills. If my son treated my DH the way she has treated me and the lies she has told to whoever would listen, I would do the same thing with him. Honestly you sound like a BM and not a SM.
As for the pictures. There
As for the pictures. There are plenty of her, but the ones that were focal points in rooms are gone. They have been replaced by pics of SS12, who never had enough pictures of him to begin with. DH is fine with the ones I removed. Asked me to leave the ones from when she was younger and had not developed the attitude yet. Done...
Jsmom, I don't really know
Jsmom, I don't really know what to say about your situation. I know that if my DH wanted to allow his children to live here they would. If I demanded or expected otherwise would be disrespectful to him. If MY bios didn't live here with us and they wanted to I would be irate if he even suggested they not be allowed to. Just my honest opinion... However you are certainly entitled to your feelings as you are correct, we may not all know what all has happened.
"Honestly you sound like a BM and not a SM"
This comment is shocking to me... So many here are both BM and SM. How can one assume that just because you are getting input from the BM side of the poster that it's malicious. As BOTH BM and SM, I often offer advice from my BM point of view, as well as my SM point of view. I think that people want the full effect not just a SM point of view. Sometimes it takes a well rounded perspective to figure out what the next step may be.
Good Luck with your situation.
No its not wrong... I think
No its not wrong... I think being a BM has helped me to be a better SM. Does that mean I don't get frustrated with the skids? Of course not. I was a BM 8 years before becoming a SM. Applying experience from that helps me to deal with our BM. Even though I don't like the trouble she desperately tries to cause between DH and I doesnt mean I can't sometimes see her point of view (to a degree) where my skids are concerned. I thought she handled it crappy as hell when my youngest SS started to call me Mom. BUT, I did understand her point of view and as she is very insecure, I see how it could be painful for her. I'm not excited about my boys sometimes calling their SM Mom, but I care enough for my bios well being that I'm not gonna make them feel bad about it or even let them see that it effects me either way.
I took some step parenting classes a while back. We were told in order to better the situation you have to understand the situation..... The class was geared to StepMOMS.
1. You will likely have more or additional TROUBLE out of a BM if your DH is the one that asked for the divorce and left her. She may feel like you are taking everything that she feels is rightfully hers (husband, kids, life.
2. If #1 applies, If she knows, feels, even suspects, or has created it in her mind that you were "the other woman" your BM situation will likely be 10 x worse. ~many woman are vindictive~ and you will feel the repercussions of her anger over the loss of her "family" for many, many years to come. Many will sacrafice the emotional and mental well being of her children in an effort to get back at DH and to torture SM.
The purpose of the class was to teach us how to deal with the BS that comes with the BM, INCLUDING helping the children to cope with it and to teach the entire stepfamily how to deal with the PASing of BM.
~On the flip side of that.... I am a BM as well... I asked for and divorced my ExH... His current wife is so insecure because I left him, he didn't leave me, therefore he must still have feelings for me (all these years later)he is barely allowed to speak to me even about the kids without her going ballistic. Overall she is okay with my kids. My biggest concern is she wants to pretend like I don't exist so when they are all there together she wants to act like they are one happy little family, and there is no BM (ME) and they are not to speak of me without her getting snarky. My kids are old enough they just blow that off, do it anyway and she gets pissy then over it. I have taught them to be considerate of her... I don't go nuts about it... Because BOTH THEY and I KNOW who their mother is.
I said all this to say.. I think its great that we have both BM and SM here to offer advice.
I have no problem getting the
I have no problem getting the comments from a BM. But, it seems very apparent that you are more focused on what SM's do wrong. I have not done much wrong here, except maybe not get married to a man with kids.
Keep in mind we dated for almost 3 years before we got engaged and even then engaged for over a year. I really tried with this kid and she has undermined me at every turn. If her mom wasn't alive, I guarantee this would not be an issue. She would have accepted me. My son's father is dead and he accepted my DH early on. BM has undermined our relationship. Telling the kids not to listen to me. Fine, then I stopped asking for anything. Stopped barely talking, then I am told that I don't care about them. I couldn't win no matter what I did.
Yes, he can have a relationship with her. It just does not have to be around me and my son. She still is trying to irritate him on the bus. They have been back in school two days and she is still at it. Enough not to get in trouble, but enough that he knows what she is doing. If you think that that is acceptable behavior and my son and I should keep dealing with it. You are wrong. Her Dad can take her to dinner. Her brother is with her every other week. My son and I do not need to be involved in her life. My husband gave her up, he could have fought for her. I offered to move out. His choice. He was frustrated and I think tired of her games. Condemn me all you want, but, I have a very clear conscience in that I really tried here.