Ok, I need advice. It’s a little off topic but you guys are my confidants.
I started divorce proceedings after a very violent and brief marriage to my ex-husband when I was 5 months pregnant with my BS (who is now 14). The divorce was final 2002. I was issued an income deduction order for child support. After the divorce child support was sporadic and then it eventually stopped. Part of this was due to ExH refusing to work, then later on he went on disability (basically he got too fat work – I’m not kidding and he’s only 41). When I found out he went on disability a few years ago I called the social security office and was told that due to his lack of a work record he was a special kind of disability. Basically he was receiving a handout from disability so no benefits there either. I recently heard through the grapevine that he’s in a special program . . .been provided a car, an apartment, and they helped him find a job. He has moved from the very small town that we are from and now works in the same city that I work in………
For almost 11 years I struggled. Went back to school and got a degree, raised BS by myself, sacrificed so that BS and I could buy a home. Basically lived and handled all responsibility with no help or contact from my ex. He totally abandoned our son. Until DH and I got married it was just us. I have lived my life being a strong independent woman but I just can’t shake the feeling off that he’s gotten away with not accepting any responsibility. I have been thinking lately about going after him for back child support. DH says just let it go that BS is fine. But then I think about how much he wants to make sure that precious SD14 gets her support and is taken care of.
What do you think StepTalk should I go after him?? Would I be opening a can of worms??? Even if I did try to go after him where would I start???
Your son is 14? You are doing ok without the money?
I say go after him- put any money into an account for your son, what a nice graduation present or college fund.
I also say don't go after him. How will you feel if you go after him for money and then he turns around and wants to initiate visitation? What will that do to your son? Your lifestyle? What if he ends up getting some sort of visitation/custody and it's all to spite you over money not because he genuinely wants a relationship with his child he has never cared about?
These are the exact things that I'm thinking about. The money would go towards my son's college fund. I would not touch it . . .it isn't needed.
I've been wondering about the visitation thing. My ex could not pick my son out of crowd the last time I saw him. Like I said we are both from the same small town and I go home periodically to visit family, festivals, school functions for my cousins. The last time I was down there EXH walked right passed my son . . .he didn't know who he was. When he saw me he put 2 and 2 together and turned around. He gave my son HIS number and told him to call him. My son found this to be very rude . . .he has a cell phone and offered my EX his number. According to my then 12 year old EX should have stepped up and initiated contact with him, not tell the kid to call him. I make sure that I communicate to my son that at any point and time he wants to contact his dad I'd help him facilitate. He has declined. My kid is 14 taller than me (easily looks 16) I don't think my ex could make him visit if he didn't want to.
He was an abusive prick. I remember when we had our final court hearing there was a break. He took this time to remind me that I was the one who wanted the divorce and was determined to be a single parent so he was going to do everything in his power to make sure I got what I wanted. In other words you wanted this you got it and I ain't helping. Oh he talked a good game in court trying to save a little face but the judge saw straight through him.
Personally, all the money in the world could not make me want to subject myself and my family to the drama and annoyance opening that can of worms would bring... but that's just me because I value my peace and happiness over money.
I do believe your son deserves the support though, because it would help, but I know how draining and risky court could be so only you can decide if it's worth inviting that toxicity back into your lives.
You know I think you guys are right. I haven't pushed for any kind of relationship between the 2 because I do enjoy having peace of mind and happiness!
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Ok, I need advice. It’s a
Ok, I need advice. It’s a little off topic but you guys are my confidants.
I started divorce proceedings after a very violent and brief marriage to my ex-husband when I was 5 months pregnant with my BS (who is now 14). The divorce was final 2002. I was issued an income deduction order for child support. After the divorce child support was sporadic and then it eventually stopped. Part of this was due to ExH refusing to work, then later on he went on disability (basically he got too fat work – I’m not kidding and he’s only 41). When I found out he went on disability a few years ago I called the social security office and was told that due to his lack of a work record he was a special kind of disability. Basically he was receiving a handout from disability so no benefits there either. I recently heard through the grapevine that he’s in a special program . . .been provided a car, an apartment, and they helped him find a job. He has moved from the very small town that we are from and now works in the same city that I work in………
For almost 11 years I struggled. Went back to school and got a degree, raised BS by myself, sacrificed so that BS and I could buy a home. Basically lived and handled all responsibility with no help or contact from my ex. He totally abandoned our son. Until DH and I got married it was just us. I have lived my life being a strong independent woman but I just can’t shake the feeling off that he’s gotten away with not accepting any responsibility. I have been thinking lately about going after him for back child support. DH says just let it go that BS is fine. But then I think about how much he wants to make sure that precious SD14 gets her support and is taken care of.
What do you think StepTalk should I go after him?? Would I be opening a can of worms??? Even if I did try to go after him where would I start???
Your son is 14? You are
Your son is 14? You are doing ok without the money?
I say go after him- put any money into an account for your son, what a nice graduation present or college fund.
I also say don't go after him. How will you feel if you go after him for money and then he turns around and wants to initiate visitation? What will that do to your son? Your lifestyle? What if he ends up getting some sort of visitation/custody and it's all to spite you over money not because he genuinely wants a relationship with his child he has never cared about?
These are the exact things
These are the exact things that I'm thinking about. The money would go towards my son's college fund. I would not touch it . . .it isn't needed.
I've been wondering about the visitation thing. My ex could not pick my son out of crowd the last time I saw him. Like I said we are both from the same small town and I go home periodically to visit family, festivals, school functions for my cousins. The last time I was down there EXH walked right passed my son . . .he didn't know who he was. When he saw me he put 2 and 2 together and turned around. He gave my son HIS number and told him to call him. My son found this to be very rude . . .he has a cell phone and offered my EX his number. According to my then 12 year old EX should have stepped up and initiated contact with him, not tell the kid to call him. I make sure that I communicate to my son that at any point and time he wants to contact his dad I'd help him facilitate. He has declined. My kid is 14 taller than me (easily looks 16) I don't think my ex could make him visit if he didn't want to.
You bring up some very good
You bring up some very good points.
He was an abusive prick. I remember when we had our final court hearing there was a break. He took this time to remind me that I was the one who wanted the divorce and was determined to be a single parent so he was going to do everything in his power to make sure I got what I wanted. In other words you wanted this you got it and I ain't helping. Oh he talked a good game in court trying to save a little face but the judge saw straight through him.
Personally, all the money in
Personally, all the money in the world could not make me want to subject myself and my family to the drama and annoyance opening that can of worms would bring... but that's just me because I value my peace and happiness over money.
I do believe your son deserves the support though, because it would help, but I know how draining and risky court could be so only you can decide if it's worth inviting that toxicity back into your lives.
You know I think you guys are
You know I think you guys are right. I haven't pushed for any kind of relationship between the 2 because I do enjoy having peace of mind and happiness!