Well. Bit of a tough lesson for FMIL, but I believe, one that was sorely needed.

FMIL wanted to pick up skids (SD14 & SS12) to spend a couple of days with them during the hols. SS12 was happy to do so – SD14 didn’t want to (no surprise there). So, FMIL drove to their house, which takes about 45 mins depending on traffic, to pick up SS12. When she got there she hoped that SD14 would come out to say hi – nope. So, she collected SS12 and they spent a lovely day together.

When she returned SS12 home, she asked him to see if SD14 would come out so she could give her, her Xmas presents. SD refused to go outside to greet her.

Now, SD has refused to visit her Father for almost 1.5 years now. During this time, FMIL would still drive to BM’s house every 2nd Thursday to pick both skids up and take them out for ice-cream, hot chocolate etc, as well as continue to buy SD gifts. After our Counsellor explained to us that it was never a good idea to reward bad behaviour, SO stopped with the extravagant gifts, and began giving her cards with a letter from him to her.

SD hated this – she’d open the envelope, see there was no cash and throw it straight into the bin without reading the letter. SO tried to explain to FMIL that it wasn’t a good idea to continue buying gifts for SD as she didn’t appreciate it.

FMIL refused to listen. Indeed, she actually tried to make SO feel guilty instead. She told SO that he was the one who needed to make amends with his family (in other words – crawl up his daughters ass – disregard her emotional blackmail and disrespect for his new relationship) SD will begin visiting SO if I have moved out or am out of the picture..

His family (according to FMIL) consists of SO, SS and SD with her as Grandma (Grandpa passed away). This hurt me immensely. It hurt because my Son’s look at SO as “family”. As far as they are concerned we are a blended family.

Anyway. When SD14 refused to come out to greet her, FMIL became upset. She called SO to tell him how very disappointed she was. She told SO that she was done. She wasn’t going to reach out to her any more and was just going to let SD be. This was what we’d wanted her to do from the beginning. Her visiting skids was a good idea, as long as she didn’t spoil them with gifts, cash etc – especially with SD, who doesn’t appreciate anything. She always got the best of everything – it had to be better, brighter or bigger than anything SS had. She was a pure mini-wife, which SO encouraged when he didn’t know any better. He does now, however!

SD loved to lord it over SS. She loved feeling more important than him. She is probably ropable now knowing that SS and SO have grown much closer recently.

When SO rang to let me know, he told me that he told his Mom, to let it go. No more chasing after her.. no more calling with no call backs.. no more begging for scraps of attention. SD has made it abundantly clear to to SO and FMIL, that she doesn’t consider them to be a part of her life any more.

Our Counsellor was spot on! She said this would happen because this kid has no sense of respect for anyone. The best we could do is to leave her with her Mom to deal with her. She advised SO not to chase after her. To have some self-respect and confidence that he was in the right and that SD needed to learn consequences for her behaviour. SD needed to learn that by disrespecting me as her Dad’s new partner, she was essentially disrespecting his choices. That she needed to understand that this was not a choice made lightly (with new relationships moving in together) and one that he made with a lot of thought. For her to disrespect this, was essentially throwing it in his face. Blatant disrespect that needed dire consequences.

So, this will be the way from now on. I’m sorry for FMIL being hurt but hope like hell that this will teach her that you cannot, absolutely cannot reward bad behaviour and expect the kid to respect you and want to spend time with you. Same thing as buying someone’s affection – they will never respect you for it.

I’m also extremely happy that SO is also finally feeling good about letting her go. No more guilt. He continues to be responsible for her and pays child support and that’s it. I’m so happy he’s finally come to his senses.