Yes I am petty
If you missed my past blogs about SD12's cell phone, BM made a huge stink about leaving the phone at our house exclusively just to turn around one week later and decide that she needed another thing to control.
SD even went as far to forego visitation yesterday with DH's approval because she has a "cough" and is so sick. Her spring fling dance was the night before and no talk of being sick, but she has her 3rd hand at BM's now (cell phone).
Last night at dinner, DH mentions he's feeling a bit under the weather. I say it's possible, flu season was said to be peaking last month. I also added that SD is oh-so sick with her cough, too. I was laughing to myself, but DH was less than amused. Petty of me? Probably, yes.
DH knows that SD uses illness to get out of doing things and I told him he's a fool for letting her get out of seeing him for the second week in a row for a "cough". He knows not to be surprised when SD turns out to be a user just like BM.
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Comments
Plus a cough isn't a good
Plus a cough isn't a good enough reason to skip visitation. We've had the kids load into the car with a trashbag before because they were ill with a stomach bug. It's just a part of life. Now when SO's little on had the flu of course that's different.
A cough get's cough medicine and then your good go to. Letting her get out of a visit over something so tiny is showing her that time at her dad's doesn't really matter. That he's not actally a parent or that important as her family. He's a option.
Yes and he's contributing to
Yes and he's contributing to making himself a menial part of SD's life instead of actively being involved. He continues to blame BM for that and he's 90% right. The other 10% is accepting that BM wants to push him out.
I'm sorry but dang ok....it's
I'm sorry but dang ok....it's his business if he wants to allow her to skip visitation though right? Less stress for you not having her around. I really really wish you would stop making this damn cell phone issue about bm and HER control when your DH started it all. Maybe HE wants the control...or you? Geesh.....I get this is a venting place but I keep seeing the jacked up stuff you both are doing and then pointing at bm and skid. Your DH is raising her to get away w/anything she wants and manipulate-THIS is not a simple bm issue. Nothing you can do-you really need to learn to disengage and let them raise her how they want. As to how she turns out? Not your monkey not your problem-of course she'll turn out to be a user-because BOTH PARENTS raised her to be this way, and still re-inforce it at age 12. Your dh giving her a phone against the other parents wishes, him racing to give her the phone for 'pictures'-, him allowing her to 'sick out' of visitation. You have a DH problem.
I know I have a DH problem.
I know I have a DH problem. Will he be a totally hands off father if we have kids of our own?
Not necessarily. It seems to
Not necessarily. It seems to me dads will invest more parenting into their current relationship home/family. Nothing against it-but not every man that somewhat disengages from his previous marriage children does the same w/new bios.
It's such an odd thing to see
It's such an odd thing to see him disengage from SD. I never thought MY husband would be that kind of man. BM put him through so much hurt that I think he just wants a shot at really being happy in life without the unnecessary drama.
ILD, I don't know what to
ILD, I don't know what to make of your posts. One day, DH is the beat father ever and the only person who can provide SD with the life she deserves. The next day, he's a fool and being played. One day, SD is a great kid who you want to take out with friends getting mani/pedis, and the next she's going to be a user like her mother.
You want to be involved with SD, but won't do the things needed to make her a productive member of society. When BM is wrong, you can't help but stick it to her. When she is right but SD is wrong, you don't stand up for BM or to SD. SD rules two roosts, it seems, but you're not acting like some savior that is going to fix it all. You're ACTIVELY contributing to the problem by being petty and allowing SD to undermine you, her father, AND her mother.
I legitimately think you suffer from BPD given how all over the place you seem to be. Have you talked to anyone outside of here about your frustration? Your back-and-forth nature reminds me of my mother, who suffers from severe manic episodes, when her medication is not adjusted correctly. Seriously, I think you either need to disengage or find HEALTHY ways to be a SM.
Being a SM is slowly ruining
Being a SM is slowly ruining my life and I feel like I'm losing my identity in all of the dysfunction. 8 years I've dealt with DH submitting to BM and SD and them taking advantage of him just wanting SD to be happy and him being powerless in family court. I do not have time to seek professional help, currently, and am disengaging IRL as best I can.
You aren't trying to
You aren't trying to disengage. If you were, then you'd block BM from your phone, you wouldn't take SD and her friends places, you wouldn't worry about whether SD uses the cell phone, you wouldn't talk to BM about allowing SD to use it...
Face it, you HATE how your DH parents but you're too blinded by love or infatuation for him to acknowledge that HE is at least half the problem. It's way easier to blame BM and be petty than it is to ACTUALLY confront the issue in YOUR home, which is DH being a substandard parent.
And yes, you should be worried that this is exactly how he'll act as a parent to your mutual child, especially if you two end up divorced in the future. You'll be the one calling the shots, doing the heavy lifting, etc while he finds a new GF/wife that belittles your parenting just as you do BM's.
I have no doubt that BM is part of the problem, but you HAVE to acknowledge that your DH, and you, are part of the problem as well. Unless you do that, you'll never be able to disengage and your marriage will spiral out of control.
Thank you for your honest
Thank you for your honest advice. I didn't realize that DH is really not much better than BM until I came here. I will block BM from my phone right now. It is so easy to blame the other party and not accept personal accountability.
I really do care for SD and it breaks my heart knowing she'll never really appreciate all of the sacrifices I've made for her just for the sake of having a relationship with her. It does make DH happy that I care so much but it is also taking a huge toll on my mental state and I did tell him that I am stepping back. He agreed that I need to worry about myself and let him deal with them.