SD wants to see a psychologist
Or so SD says according to BM. I highly doubt SD12 (immature for 12) requested therapy. Maybe she did because she and BM have been butting heads for the last 2 years. SD says that BM and the boyfriend "pick on her" and are "rude to her".
BM and DH were never married and stayed together until SD was 5. BM PASed a lot in the beginning and tried to ruin SD and DH's relationship. DH has 50% legal so BM has to tell him if she schedules an appointment and the counselor should surely be aware that DH is in the picture, correct? SD should've gone to counseling when they broke up because of BM's games and toxicity but DH and I are CODs and we never went to couseling so we never pushed it.
DH thinks that once SD starts telling the counselor how crappy BM is and how she just wants to be with DH more that BM will pull SD out of counseling immediately. Can she do that? I just told DH to freaking document so that we can go back to court and prove how SD feels about BM and how uncooperative she is and is only in it for herself to MAYBE get closer to 50% physical.
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The counselor is not going to
The counselor is not going to be as open as you would hope with disclosing what is discussed in their sessions unless there are concerns for her safety or the safety of others. In general it’s a good idea to support this though- courts like when parents are on board with any sort of counseling regardless of outcome. Unless the Counselor specifically states that they fear there are concerning issues happening at BM’s home, I wouldn’t use the counselor in court. Some are super awesome and will go to bat for you, but they are rare. They try their hardest to not take sides with custody issues.
I figured as much. Thank you
I figured as much. Thank you for your response.
Considering that Bm says she
Considering that Bm says she wants it is BM going to foot the bill for the psychologist?
DH knows she's going to try
DH knows she's going to try to schedule and take SD to appts so he would not help in that case.
"DH thinks that once SD
"DH thinks that once SD starts telling the counselor how crappy BM is and how she just wants to be with DH more that BM will pull SD out of counseling immediately. Can she do that? I just told DH to freaking document so that we can go back to court and prove how SD feels about BM and how uncooperative she is and is only in it for herself to MAYBE get closer to 50% physical."
This is not court ordered counseling and the child is under no requirement to go under it, so yes, if BM and SD want to give it a try and decide after a couple sessions to not continue, of course they can stop.
What, exactly do you think you're going to document? That SD and BM decided to try counseling for a pre-teen that thinks her parent is "picking on her and rude"? Welcome to the world of pre-teen/young teenagers. Do you have any clue as to how many children this age believe their parent/s are the meanest thing on earth e-v-e-r.
In New Mexico a child of 14yrs old may request which parent she would like to live with, but it's just that, a request. It may or may not be taken into consideration by the court.
And FWIW, trying to use something like this to 'get to 50/50' aka try and bypass CS, would unlikely be viewed as in the best interest of the child.
That SD and BM decided to try
That SD and BM decided to try counseling for a pre-teen that thinks her parent is "picking on her and rude"?
That's my point. BM and SD can't just pick a counselor without at least informing DH right?
Well, sure they can unless
Well, sure they can unless Dad is going to have the cash to put up to fight her.
She has now informed him she plans on seeing about counseling. So if Dad wants to get some say in who he is gong to have to pursue his legal right of 50% say on the subject. Is he going to do that?
She obviously isn't too worried about Dad filing motion for contempt. However, sometimes a potential minor aged client has to show both parents agree.
Unless the CO says she
Unless the CO says she can't... then she probably can. It sounds like she is informing him of a need and intent to seek treatment. If the CO says he is responsible for 50% of the cost, then she may well expect him to pay half and he may have to.
If he wants a say in which counselor is seen.. he can try, but I'm not sure she needs that level of agreement.
I rememeber reading on here
I rememeber reading on here that a reputable counselor would make sure both parents are involved and not just a biased two-faced BM.
CO says nothing about cost except that the parties have equal legal custody.
If both BM and Dad have legal
If both BM and Dad have legal custody of their child, either of them can have the child seen without the other's consent during their parenting time. BUT if BM did that, Dad could argue that he should have been given an opportunity to participate in the selection of a therapist and that BM wasn't co-parenting, which would be cause (maybe not enough, but cause) for a custody modification, which would create tons of conflict and chaos for everyone.
Also, if Dad and BM share legal custody, he is fully entitled to access records and to meet with the selected therapist.
Our BM did this. DH showed up to every appointment she scheduled and demanded that if anything was discussed with BM, it had to be discussed with him, too. The sh*tty therapist BM chose didn't like that one bit and fired the skids as clients after a couple of months. LOL
If BM ever lets DH know about
If BM ever lets DH know about it. I told him that he has just as much right to know SD's issues and that he needs to be there for her.
A few things: Yes, perhaps
A few things:
Yes, perhaps therapy should have been an option for SD a long time ago, because a parent who engages in PAS generally causes children a lot of emotional grief. But, who would have been the parent with the final say? BM? The same parent doing the emotional damage? I don’t think so.
If it’s not court ordered therapy, and not a child psychologist appointed by the courts, there’s a slim chance to none that what SD says in therapy will turn around and be shared with BM or your DH. That’s not how that works, like someone else pointed-out. Now, if SD speaks about harming herself - that’s a different story.
Lastly, and sadly, this just reeks of another power play riff for BM and DH to lock horns about. If he has 50% legal, then perhaps he should look into what legal rights he has when it comes to helping SD get into therapy.
SD has never been involved in
SD has never been involved in any activities that would require the parents to make a mutual decision. BM even got braces for SD as a unilateral decision.
BM's text to DH said that SD has "anger issues" that she wants to talk to a counselor about. Again, I highly doubt this is SD's idea.
Which makes it all the
Which makes it all the more... interesting?
If BM has no desire to include DH when it comes to parental decision making, why start now?
Your DH should inform BM to move forward with getting SD into therapy, then. At the same time, and once SD gets into therapy, your DH should make himself all the more emotionally available to SD, ensuring she’s aware he is there to talk.
Great advice! BM thinks that
Great advice! BM thinks that counseling will solve all of her home problems and that SD magically won't want to see DH. Yeah. Right.
DH told BM that he wants more parenting time (for the 3000th time) because of SD's "issues" and that was BM's response.
Ha, the BM I have to deal
Ha, the BM I have to deal with decided several years ago that SD needed counseling b/c she was acting out at her house (not ours) but it was somehow our fault (well mainly tried to blame my son) that she was acting out at BM's house. At the time BM also lived with her BF and his 2 kids and that is where BM was having problems. SO has legal rights to her medical information per CO. So he called the counselor and let her know that he would be involved as well. BM had SO go to 1 appointment. After 1 session the counselor told SO that she didn't see any problems with how things were going at our home and since SD wasn't acting up in our home she didn't have much advice for him. However, she gave BM a few tips on things to do at her house since that is where SD was acting out. Next thing you know SD is no longer going to counseling! LOL! BM couldn't blame it all on SO so why waste her time with that anymore. Oh and BM called it SD's "feelings dr"...
It's totally BM's environment
It's totally BM's environment that the issues are coming from. She honestly just isn't a nice person and doesn't know how to parent a pre-teen oh, and apparently the boyfriend "attacks" BM. BM told DH it's "only getting worse from here" but he knows it doesn't have to be that way.
DH also said that she'll pull SD out the second she gets an unsatisfactory report. It isn't COed and BM will probably go with whatever therapist she chooses and not consult DH anyway. It's so sad that these mothers can't see that they're hurting their children.
It honestly disgusts me how
It honestly disgusts me how these mother's use their kids as part of their manipulation tactics and use the "in the best interest of the child" line. I am sure that you are right about shopping around for therapists that fit their agenda. My SD's BM tried to tell us that the therapist told her to keep SD away from my son and not let her visit when he was there and that she was going to call CPS on us. She also called us with all this information on our way home from our first family vacation (that she wouldn't allow SD to go on)...I don't doubt that the timing was intended to try to put a damper on our fun. Funny thing is she thinks she is brilliant and is used to easily manipulating SO with threats and him not questioning anything. She didn't expect me to actually call her out on her BS. My mom's best friend just retired from 20+ years working at CPS as a case worker. I called her to see what would happen if BM actually made a report and if a therapist would actually tell her that (after SO found out that SD hadn't even had a session with the therapist). Blew that lie out of the water! My CPS source told me that first of all they are used to HCBM's making invalid reports and can usually weed them out before even making a visit. She also wanted the name of the therapist b/c if the therapist had truly told her to violate her CO and not let SD visit on her scheduled time without a court order the therapist could lose their license and it is highly unlikely that any therapist would make that recommendation without having even 1 session.
Also, SD said that BM and her
Also, SD said that BM and her boyfriend argue and yell constantly and yell at SD and their toddler. When they went to Disneyland 2 months ago, SD said that she saw BM's boyfriend "attack" BM and so did GBM. If SD tells the counselor something like that, is that reason for the counselor to report abuse?
See my above response. Be
See my above response.
Be forewarned that this is a clustercuss waiting to happen. Your DH needs to support SD in discussing these issues with a therapist. I would advise your DH to not, I repeat NOT insert himself into whatever domestic violence or emotional abuse is going on between BM and her boyfriend.
Sadly, verbal abuse towards SD would be hard to prove. It’s a lot of He said, She said. It will most likely only make home matters worse for her, too.
If your DH is THAT concerned, perhaps he should seek legal counsel or involve law inforcement.
I would find it very difficult to be supportive of my DH right about now, if I were in your shoes, because this is a world of drama.
I am finding this very
I am finding this very difficult because he "gave up" and submitted to BM in court 3 years ago. He didn't have a lawyer and our court tore him down as a father so he left whatever the judge signed.
I am willing to fight BM to the end because I don't have to be nice to her and frankly, she can screw herself. DH thinks that she'll settle more custody time out of court. I don't think so.